Struggling with PTSD

Yeah so inspired by the Sythe discord shit tonight where people literally defended my fucking perps to my face (yeah thanks for defending the p*dophiles who preyed on me lol).

I've been struggling throughout the years with PTSD, the abuse started in school (and my father but not really, I have a father figure and have had since I was young that IS a great and amazing man) but... it never really stopped.

They would lock me in the back room of the office throughout the day if I misbehaved (which was always me just reacting "bad" to people bullying me - bullying started very young because I was a transfer from out of the country), LOCK me in there, with only water and maybe some snacks, and mundane work that I'd finish and be done with in like... an hour tops.

Constantly. Day in and day out. Locked behind the main office of my elementary school.

Because of this happening to me so young, I started turning to the internet at home for solace, and grew into a dangerous mindset of "I'm mature for my age, I can talk to older people" around 11. I accidentally catfished someone (I was told to always say I'm "18") which was kinda funny, it was some owner of a Minecraft server, but we've all since moved on and now consider it a funny memory.

It got worse from there, and now I have almost weekly nightmares if not more common, about either my father trying to kill us because we're all happy and he doesn't want that - or it's about the pedophiles or the school. Being locked in that room for so long.

I had been preyed on as well, 15-16, by two different p*dos. One named Bae Jera and another named InsufficientSanity. The info is already out there on both of them and I still have some of the proof on the Sanity guy (lying about his age, etc, threatened me and all that, which he followed through on) in the form of ... really old screenshots. lol

So yeah now I struggle with a lot of post-traumatic stress because of all of this and am a bit of a wreck, but it's only triggered when retards defend p*dophilia unironically. I can take a joke, but if you're that retarded that you're like "haha lol you're the one at fault because you were 15/16 that means you're mentally capable of realizing grooming right haha XD" when, scientifically and statistically, that has been disproved already.

It's upsetting to see how much Sythe has devolved too, because I feel like the devolving kinda leads to shit like this. Now I'm questioning the validity of what I've gone through, but not too much anyways. I know what happened to me, the grooming and all, was wrong. And no amount of Sythe random calling me "retarded" is gonna change that tbh.

Just wish there were more support networks out there for victims of p*dophiles and those with PTSD. It's hard enough with the other shit I deal with, but I've been on a waitlist for a Psych for like 7+ years and nothing's happened yet. Feels bad.

Like how the fuck are you supposed to process that in your head anyways? Are people really this fucking stupid that they're THAT okay with defending pedophiles? Because "oh the victim was stupid and dumb haha XD groom all the kids you want".

By that logic, the YOUNG CHILDREN and toddlers who are groomed and molested by p*dophiles are also retarded too. They're too stupid to know what's going on haha they're retarded kids! No.

That kinda shit is like saying "rape is okay" because "they know better than to EXPOSE THEIR MIDRIFF AND SHOULDERS! whores" or some retarded-ass logic some conservative twat wants to pull out of their shit hole.

Anyways I guess what I want from this is... advice? Sythe's got some really cool people, but holy fuck I didn't expect to have such a dilemma tonight. How could I cope better with the nightmares, particularly? The school I was abused in is only like 8 blocks away from me too, I live in a small town, so even though the school is long gone, the building remains... and so do the memories. I wish I could just forget, honestly. It sucks because there's a huuuuge lack of resources in the area too because it's so small, so I can't even be like "hey please social worker pl0x thanks".

I'm at a loss. I'm tempted to just surround myself with a bunch of nice material possessions and drown my sorrows that way. Maybe that's the only way right now.

 

You went through a lot and it must be a struggle to cope with all of that... I haven't experienced anything like that in my life but I have met some people who did and I can tell you that you are not alone.

I might not be the best person to give you advice but I can still try. I have recently been diagnosed with a disease in my 20s meaning that my life expectancy will be lower compared to others. I also have to take meds known to give some types of cancer. I was eating healthy, not drinking any alcohol, not smoking and I was training almost every day. I kept asking myself ''why me?'' and I kept wishing to be normal again or to find my old life back. I can't.. and you can't either. We can't change the past but we can look forward and make our future better.

As for sythe discord, there are some nice people but on the other side there's also bad ones. Some of them will make fun of you and your problems just to look cool and have that bit of self-esteem boost they can't get irl. Unless they make it an extent of sythe sections and change the main channel to be somewhat different than the spam forum, I doubt you will find any help there.

Buying a bunch of material possession will only give you a temporary feeling of happiness until you realise the problem is still there, inside you.

 

Thanks for the advice there. Nah don't worry about not being the best person, our struggles all matter and.. I'm sorry for what you're going through too. I just wish there was some way to better effect my future, I'm most likely going to look into a weight loss surgery as I have hormonal issues which extremely effect my weight gain/loss (weight gain more rapid, loss harder) and the depression/binge eating did not help. My stepdad and mother are both concerned for me which is soothing in a way... and he brought up that surgery idea which I agree with. Unfortunately there seems to be no other alternative atm since the system up here sucks (Canada health system xD).

Yeah, the material possession thing is just instant gratification. Like my favorite Dance Gavin Dance album, it's instant... but it goes away. For me though, I have hyper fixations so material possessions have... longer meaning to me? The effects last longer lol.

It is a struggle to cope. I'm hoping to find better methods... when I worked at McD's when I was 14-15 I just stress ate. Threw up in the work bathroom once and... knew I had to change. Stopped binge eating through willpower shortly after, but the damage was done. 90 pounds gained in like.. a year. It hurts a lot. :/ Now for coping I just listen to music and sleep lol, I guess it's better than binge eating.

 

I guess you have to find a way to control your stress with something positive. Could be listening to music while talking a walk or something like it. I used to feel a lot of anger and stress because of it and I managed it by running, lifting and doing hikes. I also used to sleep more thinking I would wake up to something better but it brought me nothing good.

For the weight issues, go with what you want to do. Don't do it for others or to change the way people will look at you. People will always judge you no matter what.

 

Sleeping I find actually releases a lot of stress, I've had issues with chronic exhaustion (I am not sure why, this cropped up before my unhealthy eating habits) since like 2015 no matter how much I sleep, 3 hours 5 hours 8 hours 10... nothing helps. Some days I've done 12-16 and nothing. No change.

But some sleeps... some are so refreshing. And I find it usually resets my stress anyways, no matter if I wake up exhausted.

I used to go on nightly walks with music but I started dissociating hardcore and had to stop sadly. I think it'd be different now though so I wanna try it again! I have a nice pair of bluetooth earpieces (earbuds but they hook around your ears, real nice) and walking with those is great. Just not sure when I'd start going again zzzz.

 

Also oops double post, but hiking is a good method too. I'm also an artist on the side, I paint and do graphics... but I find I've been super muddy lately with my creativity because of the exhaustion. I'm not sure how to juice that back up lmfao

 

I agree with you, sleeping does help. I have a lot fatigue from meds and I had to find what my best sleep schedule was and follow it. For me it was going to sleep at 9/10pm and waking up at 6/7 am. Keeping that schedule and not mixing it up helped me manage some of the fatigue.

Walking with music is a good idea especially with your nice BT earpieces. Walking at night might be a bit more dangerous if you are young. Creating things/art is also a great way to deal with stress.

Try doing one change in your life at a time and see how it goes.

 

Feel free to pm me brother or add my disc if you ever want to talk.

 

Meds, proper exercise and a solid schedule helped me a LOT. Walking helps a little but running seemed to lift my mood for the rest of the day once i got a couple of weeks into it. I don't know any ways to get around the nightmares though, sleep has always been my way of resetting after a bad day.

If I had to single out just one thing, it'd definitely be the proper exercise. Feeling way better physically throughout the day did a ton for my general mood.

 

hello there, i am a survior of abuse aswell, if you want ever want to chat, you could always contact me Moon#9098

i also know of some communitys online that have helped me in this regard some and might be of help to you.

you are not alone.

good luck out there.