Lost my bestfriend...

So its been 5 months since my bestfriend died.
He was more of a brother than anything.

He overdosed on a combination of drugs.
I knew that night he must of taken something so I decided to keep my eye on him. Put him to bed and slept on the couch next to him.

The next morning I tried waking him up, but it was like he was resisting.
I thought he didnt want to get up and tried shaking him.
I noticed he was stiff, and then the worse, I notice the blood from his nose, and a little pool of it on the sheets. He was freezing cold. He must have passed away for a few hours.

I have never been so depressed.

I suffer from bipolar and major depression. Meeting him was like my cure. I wanted to be like him, I looked upto him a lot. He made me happy, having such a cool brother. Not bialogically, but a brother non the less.

It may have been 5 months but, it feels like it was yesterday.

Ive already attempted suicide in the past, and have come close to it numerous times. When he came into my life, suicide was honestly the last thing on my mind. I actually looked forward to the future.

I don't know what to do anymore. They have tried all possible combination of medications, therapy, counseling, everything...
Im stuck. I still go to therapy/counselor twice a week but nothing is helping.
I feel this world is not for me anymore...
I sleep all the time. Usually around 12-14 hours a day. Its impossible for me to get up earlier because im just so sleepy. And the time I am awake, all Im wishing for is that I wasnt.

To tell you the severity of my depression, I am on disability regarding it. Meaning I get payed from the governemnt a little bit of money because I cant work due to my condition.

Ive been hospitalized 3 times in the past year and honestly that is not the way to life your life. When I mean hospitalized I mean in the psychward. Probably around 4-5times do to attempts.
I feel all is lost, and there is nothing more for me to do here...

 

Try finding something you have passion doing, something you look forward to everyday and some people have it way worse off man, every time I'm feeling down I just think that someone in some 3rd world country would do anything to be where I'm at.

Life's too precious man, imagine how you felt when your friend died, if you kill yourself you're family and you're loved ones will feel the same way.

 

My passion for anything has gone...
Part of me is already gone. I feel like an empty shell, a zombie, living on autopilot. I fight back tears with all my energy in the presence of others, and when finally no one is around, I can no longer hold them back, like a damn breaking, they flow an endless river...

EDIT: When you say think of someone in a third world country, I do, and I wish they or someone whos dying had my life, because its a waste on me.

 

I find music as a great escape for me, when I'm feeling down or anything I just put my headphones on and just walk around the city. Try finding a mellow artist such as Kid Cudi or whoever you like and just vibe out.

 

Yeah, Im doing that currently...
But it only lasts you so long.
Seeing my counselor tomorrow, but honestly I dont find seeing him helping at all. I talk about how I feel, but I see no benefit from this.

Im honestly am at an end here. No idea what to do. Really wish someone who actually wanted life was in my place and I could take someone who was like dying from Cancer or something. Its a shame, but thats how I feel.

 

Just try keeping your head up man, don't doubt yourself life's an adventure not a journey. You are probably still young and got a whole life ahead of you.

 

Well my condolences, I have too lost someone who I considered a very close friend (died when i was 16(over half a decade ago)). At first you feel so lost, but its important to remember that your friend wouldn't want you to be stuck in a rut like this because of him. It slowly gets better and better as time goes on, it also helps to talk to your (you and the departed) mutual friends as they are probably going through the same thing.

I personally got through it by taking it upon my self to carry her "torch" along with my own. "I got your name tatted on my arm so we both ball till' my dying days" -2pac. Something along those lines anyways, don't let the memories of the drag you down, be happy that you got to enjoy those times with that person. It takes a while and much age to change the philosophies that are engrained into us, but after a while you might see it like I do.

Committing suicide is not the right option whatsoever, any of your mutual friend will have been shit on twice in a short period of time, your families will be in a ton of agony ECT. Its a selfish and shortsighted act and it is the easy way out. Its really easy to let something like this destroy you, its super easy to just off yourself too, but turning a tragedy like this into a triumph in your life is a difficult thing to do and is a spectacular achievement, I don't know if you are like me but I rise to the occasion and I think everyone has that ability in them as long as they want to do it enough.

Start with simple goals like finding something you are good at and perfecting your craft whether it be fishing or carving things ECT and always try to outdue yourself every time. After you seem to have a grasp on that you should start feeling better, then you can try looking for a simple job to do like working at a grocery store or gas bar. The responsibility of knowing you have to do something along with the forced social interactions will greatly help you again. Once you have gotten setup in your job and you are starting to feel alright. Try going out once a week, (bar if you are of age) and just doing something that you remember enjoying. Remember though don't go out with the intention of getting shitfaced because that usually leads to alcoholism, just go out to have fun. When you start feeling more comfortable being out increase the frequency until you feel comfortable try finding a girl. By this time you won't even realize that you kicked your depression long ago and you will probably look back like I did and think "what the hell how could I let myself fall into that rut" (I never have attempted suicide and anytime any suicidal thoughts enter my brain I always strongly react against them, even with the post death depression).

Best of luck to you and just so you know there is light at the end of tunnel and you will be a stronger person for going through.

 

If only this unfortunate event was my only problem. Before I met this special person I have been going through depression my whole life. I was diagnosed pretty early. Ive had horrible things happen in my past that I am getting though, but the scars are still there.

When he came into my life it was like I was happy again. I had finally, what was missing in my life. What i yearned for for so long. A brother. Someone who would be there to protect me from the harmfull things in this world. Ive never had a father in my life. I mean I do have a dad, but hes been been part of the root to my problems. Very abusive man. We live in the same household but we barelly talk.

My friend was like me. He went through a lot of the things I did. I finally had someone who understood me. Someone who knew exactly how I felt. It was amazing to have someone like that in my life. We both held each other up when we were at out worst at times. With him there life suddenly became easy. We both got jobs. Supperted one another.

I feel like a bridge without my pillars. He was my pillar holding me straight. I honestly would love to keep his memory alive but I dont think Ill be able to on my own. My mom is the only other person really keeping me here. But I sometimes dont have the strenght to keep this happy mask on that I try to when Im around here. When she sees that im happy, shes happy. When she sees me suffering, she suffers. I hate doing this to my mom. I honestly dont know which is worse. Letting her see me this way or if I wasnt around.

Sometimes I have horrible thoughts. I would wish my mom was hit by a car or something... just so that I wouldnt have to be here anymore. Im a heavy smoker, and only cause Im hoping Ill get cancer or something. Isnt that fucked up? Yes it is, its not normal.

It takes all of my energy not to cry. It takes sooo much energy to keep that happy mask on. Everyone wants to see a happy person. No one wants to be around someone this sevearly depressed. I honestly dont have the strenght anymore.

I wish I was normal... I dont want to feel like this anymore...

 

maybe ur not a religius person but ur on my prayers dude

 

Sorry for the loss of your best friend, it's not every day that the closest person to you suddenly leaves you. I myself have experienced a similar painful event, my girlfriend passed away when I was in 8th grade (7 years ago). The event is stuck with me for every day of my life, but I've learnt to not let it take over my life.
It's better to live life to your utmost best potential. Your best friend wouldn't want you to be feeling depressed everyday and having suicidal thoughts.
Try getting involved in a lot of activities to get your mind off. Socialise with a variety of people. Only time can heal such a pain.

Your bestfriend would not be happy to see you like this. Be happy for his sake. Be strong

 

Damn bro, sorry to hear this... I suggest you to start a new activity that puts your mind in another place than your best friend. Try some sport you like, or go running so it helps you clear your mind.

 

Sorry to hear about this man But like Annex said, suicide is definitley the wrong option, I am definitley sure if your bestfriend could give his input that would be far from what he wanted, I get that it's hard but life is a lot longer than you think, and there is plenty of time for things to get better, best of luck man!

 

I know he wouldnt like to see me this way, but without him I really have a hard time doing things.

I try forcing myself to go out and meet other friends, but when you're so depressed no one really wants to be around you really. I put on that fake smile which I call my mask, but it lasts only so long untill you can see the pain in my face.

I try doing something I love to do, but it takes up all my energy and I feel super drained and super tired all the time.

Only thing I kinda do, is play runescape to get my mind of things. Since hes died I went back to playing and honestly its one of the only things keeping me sane right now. Its kinda sad that a game does that, but Im sure you can understand the escape it provides when one plays it.

One good thing that may happen is, my sisters work is hiring. She works at Shaw, for those that dont know what shaw is, it's an internet/phone/tv company in Canada. Basically ill be getting an interview in the next few days. Perhaps having this job may give me more motivation to get through this.

Im just afraid Im not setting myself for failure. Im worried I may not be good at this job, which is Tech Support. Im great with computers and I have a lot of experience dealing with costumers as those were my past jobs, but still Im very much worried and anxious.

Im so over the place.

 

My english is not so good, that's why I can't write so much. I would, if i could write this language better.

Man i know exactly what your going through and honestly the feeling being lost will always be there, but YOU HAVE TO LOOK FORWARD, that is my advice to you. Let me tell you, if you died and your friend would be alive, would you want him to die and be uppset and not live his life, no right? So you have to look forward and go on.. You probably never forget your friend, but you will do this!

EDIT: And if you are religious, pray, this helped me also..

Sry for my english again.. hope you understand it.

 

@X:X yeah I can understand. Thank you.
I'm not religious at all, it's kinda related, but a whole other subject, since the last time I prayed my friend died the next morning.

I know I have to somehow go through this, but no matter how hard I try I just can't seem to do it. And honestly if I was the one who died, I kinda believe he would have been stronger and would have been able to get through it. I guess Im weak... has to be it, just cant seem to do anything right anymore.

I know suicide isn't the option. I know what it would do to my family, but honestly my mom is the only one I care for.

Everytime I go to bed, I just wish not to wake up. This is horrible. Although I still play rs, which kinda gets me through a bit of the day. I guess it provides a kind of escape.

 

I lost my mother a few months ago from renal failure. Trust me dude, nothing could compare to the agony. I could only imagine how much more it would be for a mother to lose her son. To all your depression problems, I don't know what to suggest, everybody has their own solution. But to the suicidal thoughts I suggest you realize that killing yourself would destroy your mother for ever. I'm serious. She would never be the same. I've been through it except on the other side of things. I just know it would be so much more worse for the mother to lose her son. Especially since it sounds like you have a good relationship with your mother.

 

I know this is one of the main reasons to stick around, but sometimes the thoughts are so bad that even that isn't enough to stop me. My mom has been very happy lately so I am not able to tell her how I feel because I dont want her to be sad and worry. I feel like a lightbulb working at max energy and is about to burn out any second.

Honestly, sometimes I think about going to the hospital again, but is that really a life worth living? Hospital visits for a month each time and when you get out you last for a few weeks and bam, you're back feeling like this all over again.

What kind of life is this... why can't I be like a normal person who has normal friends and is optimistic towards the future. All I want is to be normal... I cant keep this up anymore.

 

Going to the hospital once a month is still a better life than living with such depression like you are now. It will help, you may not notice it but it may slowly help you get rid of your depression. Besides, going to the hospital once a month is not that bad. I've had to go the hospital numerous times in my life it's not even normal, I would get monthly hospital visits for numerous things. I'm very unfortunate sometimes and break bones, bad headaches, etc.

 

I'm going to break your idealistic mind and tell you that "normal" doesn't exist. Nobody is normal and everyone has skeletons in their closets. Most "normal" people just move on with their lives despite whatever messed up shit happens to them. Why do you try all day not to cry? Just when you get home and have some alone time just cry it all out, holding your poor feelings inward is exceptionally unhealthy and isn't helping your situation.

Suicide is also never an option period. Get that through your mind now and keep it in there. Not only are you severely hurting those around you by doing it, you are further incurring large financial expenses upon them for the funeral. Your friend would likely have been disappointed in you if you killed yourself.

It will get better, I was 16 when the closest friend I had ever had at the time killed herself. It was devastating, but after about 3 months I had realized that I couldn't have done anything about it. I still miss her to this day and I'll never understand why she did it. Once you logically realize what you are doing makes no sense and you start incrementally changing what you are doing, then you will eventually feel better about it and yourself and free yourself from your self dug rut.

 

Being stuck in psych is not a great place to be. There are people there going through psychosis and can get violent at times. It's just horrible.

I get hooped up on meds and time goes by x10 slower. Its hell.

I know no one is really normal, but I just want to feel anything but this.

Everyone says it will get better, but its been almost a decade and not much has changed. Infact it hasnt gotten "better" even a little.

All those drugs and counseling and therapy just does squat for me.
I seriously don't know how much further this can go on for. I know suicide isn't an option.

Abusing drugs was an option at one time. Opiates. Had been using them for a few years until family found out. Been in rehab 2 times, to detox countless. It's just another thing I suffer from that just keeps adding on to the weight on my shoulder. I just think its going to crush me one of these days.

I used this analogy a lot when Im at therapy, but I feel like a can of pop shaken, waiting to burst any second.

I have 1 bit of good news to report however.
I was at a job interview earlier today and did a great job. I have a final interview and was told I have a very high chance of being hired.

This job could be what changes my life. I really have high hopes for this, I just dont want this to be another dissapointment. I really fear failing and just wouldnt want this to explode in my face.

Or it could be just the thing I need.
FML