Share your lengthy jokes

[Darken Phoenix]

A girl walked into a novelty shop and was looking around and she couldn't find anything she liked...
So she walked up to the counter and asked "Do you have anything extraordinary"?
The attendee said well this is a voodoo penis, and you have to tell it what to do for it to work...
So the girl was like okay I will take it..
So the lady is driving home and she cannot wait to use it so she tells the voodoo penis... she says voodoo penis my vagina... and so the voodoo penis starts to get to work.. so the lady starts swerving all around the road and a cop pulled her over and she explained the story to him and he said voodoo penis my ass..

 

[deadzone]

I don't really know any jokes like these But I know a few that you play on others.

the first one is simple just tell the person you're telling it to to say "I'm a man after everything I say" then after you say each of these phrases wait for them to reply with the "I'm a man"

- you go to a bar
- you have a drink
- you have another
- you see a girl
- you walk up to her
- you ask her out
- you guys do some stuff
- you go to your house
- you have some fun
- you get into bed
- you have some more fun
- and she whispers in your ear

-----
Couple other little jokes are "If you had a uncle jack and he was stuck up on the roof without a way to get down would you help your uncle jack off"

or one for the guys " If I washed my cock would you suck it" If they say no, call them a dirty cock sucker.

 

[Pillsbury DOPE Boy]

haha nicejokes

 

[Dustein]

John and Jessica were on their way home from the bar one night and John got pulled over by the police. The officer told John that he was stopped because his tail light was burned out. John said, "I'm very sorry officer, I didn't realize it was out, I'll get it fixed right away."

Just then Jessica said, "I knew this would happen when I told you two days ago to get that light fixed."

So the officer asked for John's license and after looking at it said, "Sir your license has expired."

And again John apologized and mentioned that he didn't realize that it had expired and would take care of it first thing in the morning.

Jessica said, "I told you a week ago that the state sent you a letter telling you that your license had expired."

Well by this time, John is a bit upset with his wife contradicting him in front of the officer, and he said in a rather loud voice, "Jessica, shut your mouth!"

The officer then leaned over toward Jessica and asked. "Does your husband always talk to you like that?"

Jessica replied, "only when he's drunk."

 

[TrIggA]

ahahaha thats fricken good stuff.

..and she whispers in your ear.. im a man genius

 

[owain jones]

alright

so a duck walks into a bar and asks the bartender,got any grapes
the bartender replies, sorry we dont server grapes here
duck leaves

so the next day, duck walks back into the bar and asks, got any grapes
bartender sounds pissed yet manages to apologize saying they dont serve any
duck leaves

the following day the duck comes back, bartender already looks pissed
duck asks, got any grapes and the bartender replies IF YOU ASK ME ONCE MORE FOR SOME FREAKEN GRAPES I'LL NAIL YOUR FEET TO THE FLOOR
duck leaves

next day the duck walks into the bar, bartender tells him this is his final warning. The duck says, no no im just wonder, got any nails?
bartender replies: no
so the duck asks got any grapes?

 

[CodyX36]

Julie, the blonde, was getting pretty desperate for money. She decided to go to the nicer, richer neighborhoods around town and look for odd jobs as a handy woman.
The first house she came to, a man answered the door and told Julie,
"Yeah, I have a job for you. How would you like to paint the porch?" "Sure, that sounds great!" said Julie.
"Well, how much do you want me to pay you?" asked the man.
"Is fifty bucks all right?" Julie asked.
"Yeah, great. You'll find the paint and ladders you'll need in the garage."
The man went back into his house to his wife who had been listening. "Fifty bucks! Does she know the porch goes all the way around the house?" asked the wife.
"Well, she must, she was standing right on it!" her husband replied.
About 45 minutes later, Julie knocked on the door. "I'm all finished," she told the surprised homeowner. The man was amazed.
"You painted the whole porch?" "Yeah," Julie replied, "I even had some paint left, so I put on two coats!" The man reached into his wallet to pay Julie.

"Oh, and by the way," said Julie, "That's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

 

[Crayola Oblongata]

lol cody! Funny! Lold at that one!

 

[TrIggA]

@duck. wth lol

- cody - tuttut - i was just thinking of posting that one - amd i scroll and see it lol.



edit:
just dug this one up

Bill Clinton started jogging near his new home in Chappaqua, but on each run, he happened to jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner, day after day. With some apprehension he would brace himself as he approached her for what was most certainly to follow.

"Fifty dollars!" she would shout from the curb.

"No. Five dollars!" fired back Clinton.

This ritual between Bill and the hooker continued for days. He'd run by and she'd yell, "Fifty dollars!" And he'd yell back, "Five dollars!"

One day however, Hillary decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on his jog. As the jogging couple neared the problematic street corner, Bill realized the "pro" would bark her $50 offer and Hillary would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings. He realized he should have a darn good explanation for the junior Senator.

As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, Bill became even more apprehensive than usual. Sure enough, there was the hooker. Bill tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past. Then, from the sidewalk, the hooker yelled, "See what you get for five bucks."

 

[Darken Phoenix]

Trigga i laughed so hard with that one.. lolz

 

[Music Producer]

@duck. wth lol

- cody - tuttut - i was just thinking of posting that one - amd i scroll and see it lol.



edit:
just dug this one up

Bill Clinton started jogging near his new home in Chappaqua, but on each run, he happened to jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner, day after day. With some apprehension he would brace himself as he approached her for what was most certainly to follow.

"Fifty dollars!" she would shout from the curb.

"No. Five dollars!" fired back Clinton.

This ritual between Bill and the hooker continued for days. He'd run by and she'd yell, "Fifty dollars!" And he'd yell back, "Five dollars!"

One day however, Hillary decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on his jog. As the jogging couple neared the problematic street corner, Bill realized the "pro" would bark her $50 offer and Hillary would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings. He realized he should have a darn good explanation for the junior Senator.

As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, Bill became even more apprehensive than usual. Sure enough, there was the hooker. Bill tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past. Then, from the sidewalk, the hooker yelled, "See what you get for five bucks."

nice joke, grime luver.

five bucks... lol

 

[Louis]

A black guy and a white guy were arguing over what colour god was.
To settle their debate, they climbed a tall mountain.
They shouted "What color are you god!"
God replied "I am what I am"
The white guy said "Hah! There's proof for you that god is white"
The black guy asked "How is that proof god is white?"
The white guy responded "Because if god was black, he would've said "I is what I is"

 

[The Dark]

A small guy goes into an elevator, when he gets in he notices a huge guy standing next to him. The big guy looks down upon the small guy and says, "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, Turner Brown."

The small guy faints!

The big guy picks up the small guy and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him and asks the small guy, "What's wrong?"

The small guy says, "Excuse me but what did you say?"

The big guy looks down and says, "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, the name is Turner Brown."

The small guy says, "Thank God, I thought you said turn around!"

That one made me laugh

 

[Tic Tac Toe]

A girl walked into a novelty shop and was looking around and she couldn't find anything she liked...
So she walked up to the counter and asked "Do you have anything extraordinary"?
The attendee said well this is a voodoo penis, and you have to tell it what to do for it to work...
So the girl was like okay I will take it..
So the lady is driving home and she cannot wait to use it so she tells the voodoo penis... she says voodoo penis my vagina... and so the voodoo penis starts to get to work.. so the lady starts swerving all around the road and a cop pulled her over and she explained the story to him and he said voodoo penis my ass..

thats funny hahah

 

[Faculty3000]

A girl walked into a novelty shop and was looking around and she couldn't find anything she liked...
So she walked up to the counter and asked "Do you have anything extraordinary"?
The attendee said well this is a voodoo penis, and you have to tell it what to do for it to work...
So the girl was like okay I will take it..
So the lady is driving home and she cannot wait to use it so she tells the voodoo penis... she says voodoo penis my vagina... and so the voodoo penis starts to get to work.. so the lady starts swerving all around the road and a cop pulled her over and she explained the story to him and he said voodoo penis my ass..

Lol, a voodoo penis? This explicit joke cracked me up. Who would believe such nonsesne? Only a dumbie will do. Ty for sharing this joke.

 

[TrIggA]

A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a local gynecologist. The doctor took one look at her and all his professionalism went out the window. He immediately asked her to undress, afterwhich the doctor began to stroke her thigh.

Doing so, he asked her, “Do you know what I’m doing?” “Yes,” she replied, “you’re checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities.” “That is right,” said the doctor.

He then began to fondle her breasts. “Do you know what I’m doing now?” he asked. “Yes,” the woman said, “you’re checking for any lumps or breast cancer.” “Correct,” replied the shady doctor.

Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, “Do you know what I’m doing now?” “Yes,” she said. “You’re getting herpes; which is why I came here in the first place.”

 

[The Dark]

A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a local gynecologist. The doctor took one look at her and all his professionalism went out the window. He immediately asked her to undress, afterwhich the doctor began to stroke her thigh.

Doing so, he asked her, “Do you know what I’m doing?” “Yes,” she replied, “you’re checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities.” “That is right,” said the doctor.

He then began to fondle her breasts. “Do you know what I’m doing now?” he asked. “Yes,” the woman said, “you’re checking for any lumps or breast cancer.” “Correct,” replied the shady doctor.

Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, “Do you know what I’m doing now?” “Yes,” she said. “You’re getting herpes; which is why I came here in the first place.”

Oooh, dark.. Very dark.

 

[TrIggA]

Oooh, dark.. Very dark.

Naw not as dark as you dear sir

 

[Massacre]

AP and UPI reported that the French Government announced yesterday that it
has raised its terror alert level from "run" to "hide." The only two higher levels in
France are "surrender" and "collaborate." The increased alert was precipitated by
the recent fire which destroyed the French white flag factory, effectively disabling their military.






The French Government announced today that it is imposing a ban on the use of
fireworks at Euro Disney.
The decision comes the day after a nightly fireworks display at the park, located
just 30 miles outside of Paris, caused soldiers at a nearby French Army garrison to
surrender to a group of Czech tourists.

 

[Chantecleer]

Your mom is so fat that once she went to the pet store, and wanted to buy a fish tank, and she took it and went to the cashier, and the cashier said that the fish tank is $19.99. So she looked in her purse and realized that she only had a five and a ten. So she asked "do you take credit cards?" the cashier said "No." So she said "Do you take checks?" the cashier said "no." so she said "do you take paypal?" He said "No." so she said "If I go home and get another 5$, and come back, will you still be open?" The cashier said "We are open until 6 pm." So she looked at the clock. It said 5:45. So she ran home, and got 5$ more. She came back to the store, it was 5:58. She said "I got 5 more dollars, can I buy the fish tank now?" And the guy rings it up, and it says the price is $20.41 because of taxes. Then he said "Sorry I can't sell this to you because you only have $20 and the fish tank costs 20.41" So she said "But I just went back home and here to get money to buy it!" and the cashier said "No, sorry ma'am, you don't have enough to pay". So she got mad and went away.