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Post: My Self realization Trip
Forum: General/Off Topic
Assigned Moderators: Amethyst, yaroow, sypherz, Shoop, malakadang

Posted by: loganself5
Original Content:

READ THIS!!!!! I*added this paragraph when I finished typing the Story/excerpt below. Before you read all of what I've created*below*On my phone.... for 8 hours straight.... I want to let you*know I took MDMA for the first time, by myself, in my room. All of it originally started off as a log I'd keep and how the drug effected me. .*I had no clue what would happen. So*I started typing stuff that popped into my head, since I felt like communicating but had no one to talk to, I wasn't tired so spent all night typing,*creating massive hand cramps, but I hope it was worth it. The whole time*I wrote this I*listened to*the NATURE station on pandora it just*Calmed me down, and made it more enjoyable to type and concentrate. It might even*Help you understand*What I wrote better or make it more fun to read?*I have No clue though,*I'm not a*Hippy. I haven't gone back and looked at any what I typed.*I didn't revised It or make any corrections none of*That. I just typed it and let it be. That's a heads up on the grammar errors*. I basically recorded what my brain was going through during the trip. There is no specific topic at first I'm*Just freely writing like a journal. You can tell whenthe drug wasn't at its peak anymore. I start to stick to one subject and I think gets good. That's my opinion though. You'll soon find out im sort of a asshole and I know it . I've deserved everything*That's happened to me and even more. I've been having a hard time*Enjoying life recently so I just wanted to vent, but I don't*Have the courage to talk to anyone about this stuff*So I choose to type*This with my anonymity disclosed. I feel as if no one could understand me because I am myself which makes me Different from everyone else. I talk about religion a little bit and I'm not a bible thumper. I don't*hate every other religion. I think religion is the problem and god is the solution, because what's one of the main reasons war busts out?… I just choose to believe in god. You make*The choices*That makes you most happy, that's the important thing. So*If your allergic to god you might sneeze a bit, but don't focus on it too much, it shouldn't bother you. I'm a 16 year old teenager that uses drugs to try to block all of my problems out, maybe even making then worse. It's a stupid*Excuse but*It's true. I don't want anyones pity, I just ask if you don't like*Something or don't agree about something first, that you look at it from a different angle. I felt as if my view on what's important in life has changed while writing this, and hopefully yours will too in a good way. I also feel that propaganda is Corrupted and it's infecting everything Else in our society. Some of the stuff I typed your gonna read it*and think its a opinion which is probably true. But everyone's entitled to their own no matter who you are or what the subject is. If your ever trying to make a point support what you trying to say. I'm not expert at anything so anything I could've typed might be totally wrong in your eyes, it's just how I perceive it in my mind I'm not saying it's 100% true. I always thought MDMA/ecstasy was a party drug well it seemed to have a weird effect on me. I just wanted to talk to someone, but had no one. So here is my masterpiece, so to speak. I'm sorry ahead for the grammar mistakes, I'm choosing not to read what I've already typed until I go through hard times so I can surprise myself with what I've accomplished. I put in a lot of*effort even if it seems like shit to you, but that's your opinion Just try to have multiple mind sets when reading this cause that's how I wrote it. As long as I can relate to at least one other person I'll feel good about myself.
GOOD LUCK!

So I just took MDMA for the
First time. 40 minutes in feel like I'm sinking in my bed listening to red hot chili peps.*
About an hour and 40 minutes in a I'm listening to ocean waves now and I feel like learning stuff and spreading my knowledge if that makes sense I feel like moving my hands but that's the only part of my body that I wanna move. So I feel like ima write a story. Btw I feel the bet when I move my left hand to type like euphoric feeling in my elbow*

My View on Drugs*

By: Logan Self
The government puts all these ideas in our heads that drugs are bad. In some cases yes they are bad. But the main problem with drugs are the people that use them. Yes some a substances can be addicting making you want more and that's all you want, making it that the substance your body yearns for is the only thing you want in life. Nothing else. Yes that's a bad thing. But other drugs that actually opens your "souls eyes" so to speak giving you perspective of the world I don't think those are the bad drugs. Another reason we have it ingrained in our brains that drugs are bad comes from the people that sell them. They're not as much using the drug just trying to make a quick profit the easiest way. The. Some people need that fix so badly and it's ruined there life's already so much that they can't afford it. So they make other means to get it by stealing or killing the supplier. And then the media jumps along riots off that giving it a bad name. A drug that you dot need everyday, a drug that calms you down, opens your eyes, doesn't make you hate, makes you enjoy the time you had with it is a good drug. I feel that drugs such as cocaine, methamphetamine, speed, ectasy. Are drugs that were made for profit and not for the goodness of what a drug should be. You call a place where you get persrciptions a drug store and they offer you drugs. Drugs that make you better. So I reality drugs are good it's just the people that are bad. Myself am using mdma but not because I'm a raver because I asked for an eye opening drug myself shrooms but couldn't get it. Another thing that disraps drugs as bad things is the younger population getting into trouble with them. Yes I am apart of that younger population. I feel that my life is somewhat meaningless even though god has given me so much already. I feel the need to get people acceptance very badly that's why I first used a drug called marijuana which everyone in the world knows about. I thought I was cool getting "high" but there's a whole nother meaning for getting high. It takes you away from reality that's what I liked. For that time I had smoked the chemicals would let me forget about all the "problems" in my life. Even though my problems were petty and insignificant to the real problems in the world. As of now I feel that I have no real friends. No one I can talk to. It makes me feel alone. Even though I actually do have friends I'm not sure they even like who I am. Around other people I've always acted like a goof. Jokester not taking things seriously. I never realized the things I life that actually mattered I just wanted people to like me. Their acceptance into the pack while I was the lonely wolf. But when I'm alone I know that's not who I really am. I just want somebody who's just like me. I know my views on life and such are ignorant and I have little knowledge but this excerpt or whatever I'm writing helps me vent. I'm not sure what I even started it about. I don't feel like scrolling all the way up there that's the past. I need to learn not to look at the past and I need to plan on the future. I need to focus on what I'm good at and what I like and try and additionalize that to the future. I'm good at baseball. God has gifted me with an amazing arm. I can throw the ball far. And I know that if I post this on the Internet somewhere someone's going to have a different view on how I wrote this and think he's conceded. Well I'm not. All my life I've never really accelled at anything. My first years of childhood I was normal. I Goofed around alot and i liked for people to laugh at me. I can tell now its because I had a low self esteem. I care So much what people think of me it kind of cripples me, that's prolly another reason I take drugs is because I feel it hard to talk to people I don't know. Even though when I'm around people I do know I try to put of that bad ass enigma. Like I can do anything and not care. Well I really do care. Alot. About everything. I was so self conscious how I looked In the 5th grade I used to use hairspray in my hair because I felt it need to be perfect all the time. That I needed to be perfect all the time. Now that I look back on that year I can tell it was the year that was my downfall from goodness Into somewhat of evil not sure
If that's the right word. I started to do all the things I wasn't suppose to do. I cussed. I neglected my schoolwork. I was disrespectful to
My parents.

I felt that no one payed noticed a normal kid. But if i stand out and don't do the norm then people will notice me and I'll get attention. As I type this all i know the topic drifts alot and I'm not going to go back and edit and revise it. Because I want this to be all raw if that makes sense. I want it to be natural. Not to the readers liking but to how I'm feeling now. Back to the 5th grade. I put people down alot back then i remember making fun of their differences. Even though they couldn't do anything about it. We're born the way we're born. I'm being a hypocrite right now but physical appearance has nothing to do with the person they can't help it. As I type this I'm getting a revelation that I'm sorta bi-polar because I've made fun of people because how they looked or that sort, but there's nothing they can do. They were born just like you but with different genes. Not they're decision. If people were more happy the way they looked and more less self conscious then the world might be kinder. But it's true there is a big difference on physical looks. In your hear you all know that you'd rather have a attracting partner or friend than a non attracting. But I feel that in heaven or where ever a blissful place you can think of every one is equal it's just your soul that's your appearance. Not hair ears nose. Just your actions. No religion just your personality. Maybe if there was no physical appearance every one would be the same since there's no variables. I guess that's why are god created us different to show us who we really are. I think that when we're born we're all the same but when are brains start learning and remembering that's when we change. We listen to our parents talk, see how they act. The environment we live in. I feel that the way you grow up has a great effect how you'll raise your kids or you'll live in the future because you go back to your roots. But I feel that are some cases that you'll never have a life like the one grew up in. I feel that's the way ill be. I honestly feel sort of trapped in my home, not literally but mentally and vocally. I'm not aloud to say the words I think i live somewhat of a lie. I say I'm not off doing then things my parents instructed me to do, when I really am. I've always rebounded against the rules. I've thought that l they were unnecessary and have no actually meaning. And people's attention always goes to the rule breaker. It's always that out of the norm action that draws people attention. If your watching the news you'd rather watch the headline that says "man breaks out of prison with cell mate" than " women grows the largest carrot". It's just more interesting. But why is it really more interesting? Is it the things that we could never do that draws our attention. We don't want to the deed, but we want to see someone else do it. Sort of like a food fight. No one wants to put them selves out their and throw that first hamburger patty that's hard as a rock and even tastes like one, but they'll throw their tuna salad once everyone else does because they don't want to get the consequences. I'm done with that section. I know none of that made sense probably. I'm not going back to look at it or fix the mistakes I wrote that to vent and let you know how my mind wanders. In your head its probably a bunch on nonsense written by a teen who thinks he knows everything and is on drugs. Well that is mostly true I do at times think I know more than everyone else. I feel that it gives me an upper hand.

I've always been competitive. Being the best at something is what I've always wanted. And now that I think about it my competitiveness most likely links back to my self need for attention. Because people who are the best at something are looked up to. And I'm not sure if that's what I want. To be a leader. I'm weary about that stuff. An example in baseball I'm always talkative making jokes. Having a good time but also enjoying they game. As you get older stuff starts to get more serious in life and in sports. When your little everyone played soccer. That's what sometimes amazes me why? Well the parent is the one who signs the if up. Maybe to get his energy out because every toddler is wild or to see if he's above average at it. Sports always start with soccer. It's the biggest athletic team based game in the world I'd say. My opinion. The rules are simple you kick a ball in a net and prevent the other team from scoring. What's so special about that. Why are people so involved in sports? They want they're home town to win so they can brag to all their friends. Their team is the best. Even though they most likely have nothing to do with it. But It makes them proud. That's where they spent an important part of their life so it's almost like their sports team is apart of them. Apart of their life. But why do people fascinate so much over it. You have to be good at a sport to play professional so maybe the skill level of how much effort you have to
Put in amazes people and it draws their attention to it. Or it might be the money that's involved in it. Everyone knows that if your a professional athlete that your getting payed alot to play. And as a kid that person once had a dream of getting payed to do who they love. And everyone would love them. That sound like the life. You play a sport and get payed more money a year than a family spends an entire lifetime. Who wouldn't wanna do that? You have anything you want. It's a dream. I can feel my thoughts are dreading away from this topic or whatever I just wrote just letting the audience know. In my mind I've just been typing spur of the moment I haven't planned anything out. It probably wasn't grammatically correct but it
Gave me joy, but now I feel that I'm writing*This just so that someone might be*Like "wow that was good and revelating" then that makeshift Feel good. I'm sort of writing This to feel good but mainly to just show the world mind. I know that not
Many people will read this but one thing I strive to get out of it is self realization. I want to be able to do anything and not care what people think of me. I can make friends with people for who they are not they're status in life. I feel that if people had a different perspective kinda like goggles that were the same goggles that showed the trueness of things in their most natural state that people could put on when making a decision and make a better decision that proves a more natural meaning In their life that the world would be so much better. I feel that my view right now is just altered because of the mdma I've consumed at 12:25 and now it's 3:23 and when the effects of the drug go away all of this that I've thought of and created in my mind will go away. And I will go back to my old self. Someone who thinks to much, cares to much, neglects to much, masturbates to much, that's a little twist? I threw In a joke so when
Your reading this you would think it's all boring, but that's exactly the opposite of what i want to be. I want to be natural. Say the words I think not the words that would make me look best. And all of the stuff I've typed not taking a single break laying in my bed I've used phrases or placed words trying to make me Look intelligent not who I really am.

But I like being abnormal. Different from the pack. Even though I probably stated something
Previously the exact opposite of what I'm saying, I'm giving myself a revaluation. And now that I think about it that's what I want. I want to write this and try to depict the type of Person I am and who i want to be. I'm going to state what I want for myself and what I don't want for myself then ill be done typing since i haven't stopped at all.*
I WANt (in order of what I want most In this life as of now): I want to be the best baseball pitcher at my age so ill have a good chance of making it in a Respectable college and I could go
Pro and I'd make money to buy the things I don't need but what I want, so that I didn't have to put effort anywhere else. I could do what I love and get payed, people would respect me, look up to me, be jealous of me, that maybe I could be so good id be remembered forever. I want to be friends with the more popular people, I could hang out with them more, people would think I'm cool, they'd like me I could make them laugh, girls would want date me. Maybe I could meet someone who is actually real in the way I view real. Their minds worked like mine so I could talk to them and tell them stories we could hang out have fun, tell eachother things we'd tell no one else, someone I could trust, someone I didn't have to be embarrassed about telling them serious things I think about, and I didn't have to be judged, someone i could be friends with forever, someone who could give me advice on my fucked up life, just some one who understood. Stepping aside from the fact that there's plenty of those people who aren't popular but my minds so corrupted and socially entangled that I want to be friends With someone that's popular. Right now I'm wondering why do people want to be popular? So everyone would like them? But why do people want other to like thEm? So they feel superior or loved? So they feel better than everyone else? I feel that it's the human nature that you think your the center of the world. The only thing that matters is you. Well in your mind its true you must love yourself to exist. Your nature is to survive but now we've developed so much are goal isn't to just survive its to thrive! Did we get more selfish the longer we've been on earth? Adam and Eve ate the apple that god said that's the only thing they couldn't eat. They had everything why did they want feel the need to eat the apple I know that satan was the snake and told them that if you ate the ape you'd be like god. (I'm not sure of that's biblically correct just what my brain realized) the snake tempted them into breaking the rules. So does that mean we have disobedience or evil in our bodies I think so. Because everyone makes mistakes we're not perfect like Jesus is or was. I feel that god was mad after that happened he made earth everything in the universe and
Spent his time making it. He had to of loved his creation. And his biggest creation of all man/ human. We're told in*church or atleast i am that god Loves us more anything. He loves all
Us equally the rapists murders thieves, so he must've been mad that the first humans he made for his earth had broke the one and only
Rule he had. When they had everything else In the world. I wish I knew why they did that. It's easy in
The position your in to judge and Say "I would have never eaten that I had everything and more I needed" maybe there's things between the lines you didn't know. But never
The less I think god would be mad. But didnt he know that would happen Since he knows all things? He could have prevented it right? Or did He let it happen because it had a bigger effect than just eating an
Apple. But why did Adam and Eve have to suffer the first sin. It had to of happen of course but god loves all
Things equally so why them even Though they had free will to make the choice. I'd also like to put in that I go
To church very regularly and I know I don't know everything about the bible or religion or god. My thoughts are wrong but they're my thoughts that I've gotten from the information I've digested. I'm but justifying myself I'm just saying that it's what I thought. Everyone's wrong some people more
Than others (that's my case) and sometimes it not our fault where other areas it is.

Like not paying attention when you could be in school or church. Church for me in my opinion is boring even though that's a terrible thing to say and I know it's terrible but it's just the way you feel. I wish that I could truly enjoy it inu
Soul like a good hearty meal. But me being a kid would rather spend my time doing insignificant things that would get me nowhere but it's just my way and I NEED to change. I want to worship god and pray and do good deeds for the goodness of actually doing it not just to think in my mind that I'm Doing the right thing. I think of it as this : if it was written in the bible that no matter what you did you would go to heaven, everyone would go to heaven. You could kill rape rob and still get the golden ticket. Then no one would worry about Doing good deeds. Although there might be those people who genuinely have kind Hearts and want to do good deeds no matter where there going to hell or not. I want to be that type of person to not just believe in god but to do the things he asks us to do In the bible not out of fear of going to hell but to do it because its right. And I know that's a quote from some women I'm pretty sure but It really stuck to me. The right thing to do. I've always thought there was some sort of karma luck where something bad orUnpleasant would happen to you or effect you then something good or something*You would like, follow that no matter what. And I think it actually proves to be*Somewhat real so I try to do all the good I can no matter the importance of it so I can try to prevent the bad stuff from
Happening. Even though its inevitable to go without a struggle I your life. No ones life is Perfect we've all gone through hard
Times no matter how they varry. I believe god gives us those struggles to see how we react. Even though he know everything that will ever happen to us before we live. But when I think of that it make wonder why he would do that since he loves us. I hate using the phrase question his existence because I love God I love Jesus. The fact that someone
Loves us so much just draws me In and makes we want to learn more
It makes me wonder why he does the things he does. But I feel like I'm entitled to wonder why. He asks us to have faith in the things he does when we can't see him or audibly hear him. It makes we curious in a good way. And I'll believe In God for the rest of my life because he's great and
He listens.

I've only heard god once I think. I never know if it's him Or Just mind telling me these things. I thought I heard him at a church camp say I have you. It made me
Feel special and I did cry because it was an emotional time I was going Through. In my mind I Convinced myself that my dad didnt
Love me or care about me. He hurt me and I know I hurt him. Immature and I don't like to listen or it's hard for me to but I'm letting that be an excuse. I say terrible things about my
Dad really bad things such as I wouldn't even cry if he died, he doesn't love me I don't love him, I wish he would die, I wish he would get ran
Over by a train, the only reason I might be sad is cause he's the one making the money in my family. I would say that as a joke so people would laugh at it and maybe even Feel sorry for me. I look back at that now and feel ashamed. Even though we still don't talk alot now I still feel so mad at myself for thinking those thoughts for another person. That shouldn't be said for anyone that's not an excuse how you feel. Sure Your emotions make you highly irrational at times, make you say things you mean at that time but of
You were more calm and stable you would think it's outrageous. My dad try's to reach out to me but I just push him away and can't make
Him feel any better. And it's all because of me. I have a hard time Forgiving people or just him for some reason. My parents almost got a divorce 2 years ago and told me To my face it was because of me. I told people the things I heard them Scream about and the things they told me. I would even lie about the stuff I told them so they would feel even more pitty for me. I don't know why I told them. I almost got excited when something bad would happen between my parents so I could tell other people. I have no idea why. So they'd feel sorry for me? And like me? But why would they like me
For that?

I feel that through all this I've talked about very random Stuff, stuff that goes thorough my head almost like my thought process the way I view things In life and
I've also explained moments in my life that show me for who I really am. But I don't even know who I am I just dont like it. I feel that I'm a terrible person and there's nothing In my life that right even though I have it better than so many people and the only problem In my life is me. One of my friends sisters had gotten hit by a drunk driver and killed. She did nothing wrong and died. I never knew her but I heard stories about her that made a picture in my head that she was an honestly all around good person.
Well after the accident my friends Family was going through really hard times. His mom was depressed all the time, even though my friend appeared the same; happy and outgoing
Like he always was, totally unphased. Then out of nowhere his mom had an extremely serious stroke from stress. And everyone knew it was because she lost a daughter, it was such a sad moment For everybody even if you didn't Know my friend or their family it was
Just a sad thing to happen. The doctors said she was brain dead and had no chance of living at all and they wanted know when they were going
To take her off life support. And this was maybe 2 months after my friends sister had got hit by a drunk driver. So my friend, his dad, and his other sister were going to take their mom off life support. Everybody was Praying for a miracle myself included . I felt so low and useless that I wrote Down in my notepad app like I'm Doing now a prayer saying that I know the family couldn't bare to loose another life in their family so I would sacrifice my life for their moms so they could have their mom back because I knew her life was more important than mine and I knew they needed her. I said it didn't matter how
I died just that she would pull through the stroke. At the time I wasn't trying to be a nice guy or a hero I just honestly felt that my life was useless and un meaningful. I wrote it down in my notepad because I felt like written words might make it come true. A little off that subject at that time
If somewhat had given me a Choice to not ever be born at all my existence was never existed I would've chosen it to than live and
Go through the motions I was going through. I thought about that alot. Back to me writing a prayer in my notes app on my phone. So I wrote it because I just wanted to. Then afterwards I started to think maybe if I left it in my notepad someone would read it and think I'm a hero or I saved her. That's how selfish and cold hearted i was or am. I thought about being the hero when I'd be gone not on this earth. So the next day after that I was driving with my mom not wearing a seatbelt almost hoping to get hit. I know I'm terrible. But I never did. I later on got news that she had regained consciousness and was gonna make it. And I didn't die. And I don't remember for sure but I think I was almost a little bit disappointed I didn't get to save her. I think it that now and just feel almost disgusted with myself. That's not how anyone should live. So selfishly.

I want change I need change. And I think writing this helped me vent the way I feel and how I see myself. I pray alot how I want someone to talk to. Sometimes while I'm praying I talk to talk as if he's a guy id talk to at school sharing my wants and desires, my sins. I had a girlfriend In the 8th grade all the way Into
The middle of my 9th grade year. I'm now going to be in the 11th grade. She Was my first girlfriend and for my school that was pretty late for the 8th grade.*Before I dated her I questioned my self why I hadn't started going out with girls. This was before started to get self Conscious. I talked them alot I wasn't Afraid too. I was very wild and
Rowdy back then id always be Disruptive In class and I wouldn't be Embarrassed or anything I could talk to them easily. Then at the beggining of my 8th grade year I had started to care what people thought of me but I didn't change.....yet. If you would've told me the girls name I was
Gonna date for year It would've Taken my awhile to remember it, even though we had 2 classes together the previous year. But never the less this girl changed my life forever. We had the same art class and there was only 10 people In that class; my soon to be girlfriend, girl I knew vaguely, and the rest were
People From the special Ed class. So I sat at the table withy soon to be and the girl I vaguely knew. Within in 3 weeks being In that class I could
Tell that both girls kinda*Liked me. And I was new to that but didnt pay much attention to it. I was to busy being an clown. I guess I've been semi-popular through all school just thought*I would*LetYou knowThe group or people I*interacted with and know earlier i talked about wanting to be friends with the popular kids. Well you'll see eventually what I mean. So my soon to be girlfriend
Texted me one day out of nowhere.
I didn't even have her number we
Only talked in art class. She says I gave it to her one day which I never did haha and suggested that I forgot,
Which I believed at the time, cause later on she told she got it from one
Of friends. Never really thought much of her. I guess I kinda forgot
About her or just didnt give her
Any attention because one night I was feeling lonely and I felt like god wasn't listening or wasn't talking
To me so I prayed saying that if
Your real god you'll show me
A sign or ill have a dream with you in it. And I did have a dream about
Him. I think we were rafting or floating on a river and he was guiding me. That's all I remember. Never the less I was so happy he answered my
Prayer. The very next day I prayed
That he would give me a girlfriend I didn't even think of the girls who liked
Me. I was just going let god give me a girl. And the day after I prayed that
Prayer my soon to be texted me. She
Was kinda beating around the bush asking me who I liked and I said no one Really just thought her friend was hot (lack of a better term). Then she said she liked me. I then said I was to embarassed to say I liked her Too even though I honestly Didnt. Right after that I asked Her to go out. Over text. Romantic.
Well I didn't know what else to do then thinking back to my prayer. It
Was from god. Even i didn't even have feelings for her before I asked her out. I was new to the boy frosmd
thing. But she was my first kiss even though i missed the first attempt. My
Life then took drastic changes I felt
Serious feelings for her not just oh she has a nice ass feelings. I told her
I loved her I think the second week of us dating not knowing couples say it
When they actually mean it. I started telling her personal stuff about my
Family life not seeking the previous attention I did before but just to Tell her her everything. Things sexually started off slow then picks up speed insanely fast. She was my first everything but sex(came
Close) girlfriend, kiss, make out, other sexual interactions haha, and
My first love. She really got me into church since her dad sang there. And
If you were wondering go to sort of a
Newer church where your more interactive and lots of singing ect, non denomination. We would
Go every Wednesdays together
Me mainly going because she did.(I should tell you now that the feelings*
I say I have is the exact way I felt
Not holding anything back, I'm
Showing you the corrupted person I am. Not justifying anything I've said
It's all wrong) so she's got me going to these teenage church days everyweek with other teenagers
And I never liked them because I thought they'd make her not wanna
Do sexual stuff even though all we
Had done was makeout. I was thinking with mainly my dick back then. And I know it's such a terrible thing. At school we couldn't get out hands off eachother I had a clad with called office aid and we'd sit behind a big desk where no one could see us and do all sorts of stuff. We'd play hide and go seek with a gummy bear and she'd hide it In her shirt and I'd get it out. The first time I've ever touched boobs, and I hide it in pants and she'd grab my you know what. First person to ever grab it. We honestly did stuff like that all the time
Which I loved and I couldn't believe. Before I dated her I never really payed attention to her. But once I started going out with her she apparently instantly blossomed into a Beautiful flower I couldn't see any girl prettier then her honestly. I'm not just saying all this stuff, I meant it. For an example in the lockeroom we were having a discussion about the hottest girl in the world. Kim kardashian they were saying names like that but honest to god to this day I thought she was the prettiest girl In the world,(must've been under a trance, even though everyone is beautiful )*the first time I ever got head was at a track meet In the middle of a practice field. And
I was only 13!!!!! I know it's disrespectful but when I hit puberty late, got my first girlfriend late, then I get a blow job before everyone made
Me feel good. That was unheard of in the 8th grade. And I can say most of our relationship was based off sexual stuff. So it was summer and I agreed to go to a church camp with her. And all throughout out that school year everything around me
Was falling apart but that relationship. My family was a mess my parents were talking at all. My dad would sleep upstairs and never come out of his room. When he did talk it was to yell at me which I deserved or to talk to my brother which was the only person he seemed
To care about. My mom was crying alot trying to keep it together when she was trying to stay married to my dad when he acted like he didnt want anything to do with me. He had basically been like that since Christmas out of nowhere not explaining a thing. My moms mom (my grandma) my moms sister And my moms aunt all took us on a vacation to Florida to get us away from my dad. And to love on my mom since she hasn't gotten love for a whole year. And I'm guilty it's not that I didn't like my mom it's just it was so hard to talk to my parents. I've never really been close with them
Because I always thought the way they treated me was to over protective which in a way it was but they just wanted me to stay out of trouble which was the opposite of what I was doing. Anyway my moms mom, her sister, and her aunt take me and my brother to Florida to
Get away which she needed and
Didn't even Tell my dad we Were gone. Apparently he wanted us to stay which made no sense the way he was acting. On that trip I got ahold of my grandmas phone and read messages how she wanted
To kick my dads ass. Which surprised me because my grandparents are the most Christian people I know and don't even watch movies that cuss. It also said that my aunt was gonna call some of her husbands friends to make sure my dad didnt steal anything and just leave which surprised me even more. Eventually the vacation was
Over went back home to just hell the only way to describe it. It was
Such a bad time no one talked
To eachother no one was happy. So I went to a church camp with my girlfriend hoping to get away from Rules and be together alone which went more sex stuff even at church camp which is wrong morally. And Of course the first day we got to the camp it was my parents anniversary. We had I guess a church service and a band played I've never sang or raised my hands at church because I just Always think what other people will think of me when they would nt at all*I was just ignorant. And so i just let my self go there and worship and that's when I heard god say I have you. Those words meant so much because that whole year I just needed someone you understood even though i had a girlfriend. I burst into tears. Then we had the message and what do you know it was about problems with your fathers. God just loves making stuff like that happen. So I got a message on dads when I was having problems with mine on my parents anniversary when they were inches away from divorce. After the
Message he asked people to stand up if you had problems with your dad. I didn't wanna go up there still covered in fear of nothing but Satan. And during that whole spam of time
I didn't cry once. I've always Just kept my emotions bottled up. Acting the same when on the inside
I was dieing. I know from the stuff I've been talking about makes it sound like I'm a wimp or emotional kid Who cry's alot, but I'm the opposite I try to show that I'm not hurting when I am. And me talking about this helps Me become a better person and Lets me get it out. So I go and walk up to the front where the guys praying over everyone and telling Us that are earthly father and
Heavenly Father are different. It felt so good to feel week and vulnerable while feeling so strong in god at the same time. I've been baptized before
But night I gave my life to God. I wish that night would have made a
Bigger impact and stray me away from the bad things I continued to Do but it didn't. And i apologize for
This religious talk I know people are Atheist and I'm not telling you That you must believe in all this I'm Just saying its important in my life. Even though part of me Still Feels That its*Boring and people shouldn't Be forced into it they make decision because they want to. I feel that today in our times Christians are very close minded. Yes if everyone Believed In god that would be great. You can make a comfortable*Choice.
I admit I make jokes about other religions That Are stereotypes but I don't mean*It in a harmful I don't it Because I'm a shitty person. Back To the camp. No other night did I hear God or feel a connection. To this day I haven't heard him again but i know it's Of me. But the last day of
The camp I got head In a tunnel slide. Which was my penis talking*Not me. So that was the 8th grade not Sure why I typed all that but why did I really type any of this. I guess I'll
Let you know what happened between me and my at the moment girlfriend. I felt like while we were going out in Highschool it changed. Mainly just sexual stuff between us.
We would go into these bathrooms Under the football stadium everyday and she'd give head. Being honest again Always pressured into having
Sex cause it never seemed like a Big deal to me, but to her it was huge, we did come close though after School she had her pants and underwear off while straddling me When I was sitting down but she
Never went down and we never had sex. In a teenage boys mind it make me mad. But from a greater perspective it was the right thing since it wouldn't of been special for her even though I wanted to so bad. I was going through the motions of
Highschool. A close minded teen who thinks he knows everything and won't listen to anyone. I started care more of what people thought of me even though everyone does in Highschool. I felt like I wanted to Talk to different girls even Though i still loved the same girl for Over a year and I was super super
Protective of*Her. No one thought we'd break up, but sure enough. I started*To notice other*Girls, not like I Had*The guts to talk to them I just
didn't*See my girlfriend the way I*Used to. I was*Messaging a guy on Facebook and we were talking about dumb shit.*I was saying how I'd eat a sandwich off this girls ass in our grade (her butt abnormally big). And we Were*Also talking about another chick*In our grade. And I said if I was Going out with her I'd treat her so Good like a*Princess. Cause she was honestly one of the prettiest girls
I've ever seen and everyone else thought that too. Later that day I guess she got on my account and read the messages. Because she
Changed her Facebook status To single. That's how she broke Up with me. Not even a text after dating*For almost 2 years. I deserved it though. It didnt
Really sink in till I saw her at school. She started crying and I teared Up too. We went to go talk in private and I cried. And that the thing I hate the most is crying I never cry not even if I get badly hurt. Then I Have this girl making me cry. She truly was apart of me and I know It's the same old teenager getting dumped for what he deserves. And Yeah I did I deserved it. I fucking Pulled myself together and
I made it through the day.' Then when school was over I saw her walking with another guy I threw my phone Down on the ground as hard as I
Could. I forgot to mention in the 7 hours I've been continuously typing into my notepad on my phone that I have anger isusses and I break stuff alot. If you even get this far reading
And didnt die you should ask me About a story when I've gotten mad and broke something they're quite
Interesting. Back to girl problems since it all sorta ties together. She ended up asking me to forgive her which I did, even though she did nothing wrong. And we were together but not officially for about 4 weeks and I was an asshole to her and we just drifted away. That hurt The most. And as cliche as it sounds
I got my heart broke and it sucks. No matter who you are how old you are you can love. And if you can give love you, you can loose it. And that sounds like I'm some type of poet but I'm honestly not. These are the emotions that I've never told anyone, the type of stuff I'm saying i would Never say In real life it's like another language. But instead of talking
It's through text. After we Drifted I didn't know what to do. I was with her for almost 2 years so I didn't really have any close friends
Just people who knew me*From Baseball. But they didnt know me. I've never had a best friend, nobody to vent. And at that time I was Grounded for 3 months because My parents caught me smoking pot. Not even my fault my friends parents Were going through his phone and Remembered my name from when I spent the night and I guess they assumed I was stoned. So
Yeah I'm grounded and just ended My first relationship that lasted awhile. I honestly prayed to God every free chance to help me
Get back the girl that he gave me. You honestly never know what you have till it's gone. Another side effect is after all the head, and everything but sex that I was getting almost everyday for 4 months suddenly stopped. That killed too. Jacking Off sucks...admit it. And it didn't help that most of the stuff I remembered was Her naked. And she had such a Nice body my god. Weird saying
That after all that Jesus talk. Yeah I know I sin. Hard not to sometimes. So I had to go back to the hand. Which sucks. I'd say it was a 5 month Period where I was depressed. I was seeking attention at an all Time worst doing crazy stuff just to make people laugh. I was an idiot and I still act like that today. I smoked because I thought it was cool not Because I liked it at first. When I was Grounded I had no Xbox, laptop, couldn't hang out with friends. (Even Though didnt Care much for them) one day I was so down I actually got a pocket knife and I slit a small cut in my wrist. I don't why I did it. Self harm never made sense to me. There's no visible scar, but I can Still see the cut. Sure I thought life would easier if I wasn't living but suicide just seemed like I had
Given up. When I finally got Ungrounded the very first thing I did was go to friends house and Get drunk for the first time. Looking
Back it it was almost a spite to my parents. Then the day after that I was setting off fireworks on a gold course and people thought there was
A gang war going on and the cops took me home And made a*Big deal to my mom. Luckily I didn't get grounded. Or I might have ran Away. So my freshman year was almost over for some reason I find
It deathly hard to talk to girls by myself. But if I'm at a party with people I know and they're with me I'm fine. It's not that I'm a looser, what I'm describing sounds like one its just how I felt. I've only been close to one girl and I'm about to be in 10th grade.
I say I I want a friend to talk to but I see so many flaws in people now I just can't stand to be around them. I know no ones perfect it's Just everyone annoys me. So I'm either stuck in solitude or I get to be with be I barley like. I usually Choose solitary. Before I got I only really dabbled in drugs I smoked weed cause I thought it was cool. Then after I got caught I did
It so it was easier talk to people. Never made sense how when I was younger I didn't care what people thought about me no matter what I did now I care so much it's so pitiful. I smoke not to care almost to Be free. It takes me away from The bullshit on earth. God*Made us to be peaceful.*But this day in age we like to find ways to put others down. People use drugs because they're sad, sick, addicted, curious or They wanna forget the bullshit that happens everyday. Everyone is selfish myself included. It's almost how we're raised now a days.

So at 12:25am I took MDMA for the first time. I wasn't at a Rave or party I was in my room. I've been typing on my*Phone nonstop( one piss brake) till 8:25am 8hours. At first I didn't Know what I was writing about it just made feel good. If you made it this far you know there is no topic it just flows may not be gracefully*But it flows. I'm a normal teenager who took a drug that was made to fuck him up, but instead I realized*I was fucked up before I took the drug. I feel like I've written the ways*I view stuff in life which some might be completely different From yours but everyone's Different it's a Good thing. I've also written*A little bit about my life I went Somewhat In depth but what else Do*You do*When your On ectasy in your room. I didn't*Spend 8 hours trying To make a good piece of grammar wrote it to Realize I've made a joke of my Life so far and I need a change. I would Love for you to give me Feedback or advice if you have any. Maybe I even related to someone and If I did your not alone. I feel in today's world we only look at things in one Way, we never really open our eyes wider*Or turn our head, everything has to be such a rush*. It makes me mad to see ignorant people only believe*What THEY think is true when it's all much*Bigger than What they think . Everybody has a little bit of fucked up in them. I found mine and I Strive to fix it.
Will
You?
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R · Jun 28, 2013

Cleaned it up a bit

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