really feeling confused and lost

[Unregistered]

i am posting here because i really feel the need to let this out and share with others, i dont think i'll need any advice because the reason i am postin here is just to let it out of myself. i think i'll feel way better this way, so thank you for all your concern and please bare with me.

Right now i'm 17, really lost in my life, zero goals, nothing. I had big dreams as a kid, but i dunno man, since maybe 15 when my aunt got into some freak shit crap which left her paraylsed waist down and got sick like many times, so unreal, if you counted the times she went to the doc/hospitalised/take meds, you could count to a billion.

Also, i am a very emotional/empathatic person so little things affect me alot... And i really hate to be feeling this way. I feel so upset when i shouldn't, feel so responsible when i shouldn't be ( i think ) and sometimes i think a feel a little toxic guilt (i'm not too sure too)

I know as a 15 year old back then i should be more accepting of this. Afterall, this is life, and these happenings are part and parcel of it. But i really wasn't able to accept it. Back then i remembered days were gloomy and i always pondered about life. I really felt that if life was so fragile, what is the point really? Of course i , too , looked on the bright side - that is to treasure every day like it is your last.

Soon my great grand ma passed away and it was kinda fucked up. I never thought she would die you know, it was the first time someone close to me passed away. Previously my grandad (who i wasn't close with) passed away and i shed zero tears...

When great grandma was in the hospital i was really sad but i really felt frustrated staying in the hospital and visiting because i was doing nothing and i couldn't do anything... I always thought she would recover and come back home. Afterall, she has been through so much.

Before all this, i was a christian and was very proud to be one. I prayed and prayed and thought i spoke to god and told him to let my greatgrandma recover or give her another two weeks to live.

In the meantime, great grandma was ill and shit, i went by her bed side and i really wanted to talk to her or something. but im not sure if she was too weak or what, but she really didn't give me much attention. She loved me alot so i was confused... I loved her too but i was kinda angry (i regret) that she didn't pay attention to me in the hospital.

God i was so stupid and dumb. Then comes this shit, so i tell GOD to give her 2 weeks to live, and at that point my friend had a birthday stay over. I said i was going, and i really dont know what the hell i was thinking back then.

i really regret going to the stayover. it wasn't that i didnt care about my great grand ma, more of like i felt that she didn't want to see me ( ridiculous thought) and so i left.

at night my mom called to tell me she passed away in her sleep. i think it didn't sink it then... her funeral came and i was very upset. i loved her alot

so now my greatgrandma has passed away and my aunt was to be wheelchair bound for her rest of life. I still believed and prayed prayed. We went to church and stuff and prayed.

Ya right. She just went in and out of the hospital, in and out of surgeries, and its really fked up to see her like that. Now currently, although i do not talk to her much ( although she is living in the same house ), i really feel her pain.

i think of life so much, the fragility, the unfairness, everything....sigh.

if i were to put all my thoughts on paper, it would be longer than the bible..

i really feel so shitty, also for talking to her more. I am a boy , and another problem is my defense mechanism within me is too high. I am a fked up person, i keep my guard up too high.

I really want to talk to people, make friends with them, but i keep my guard too damned high. I think deep down i'm afraid to be hurt, or something, i really dont know.

and although i have a gr8 family, loving and understanding it sort of , i think, another reason why my defense mechanism has not been lowered. because i already have my family, so i feel it's enough, no real need for friedns.


but this isn't working out. we need family AND friends... and i am failing terribly at the friends part. I think most of my friends wouldn't realise, but i am. i am reserved in some areas i find sensitive and there's no one to talk to about them... sigh. i share with my family alot but some things, you need a friend.

also, family. family is all good and all. but really, it makes me feel guility.

i am just a boy, who wants to live. my family is there though, and i can't leave them or disappoint them. my mind is fked up and i am always thinking of just leaving the house and go homeless, be a hobo. like seriously, i really want that. i want to be a guy who has nothing to lose, so i won't fear anything.


i have regretted too much in my life, my life is filled with really many regerts and i HATE It.

each day, when i am idling, i think about that, and it brings me pain and misery. i can't turn back the fucking clock, nor do i have the guts to embrace rejection.


so sometimes i really wished i was an orphan. maybe then i will have no fear. no one to disappoint. just myself. against the world.


thanks.. i think i'll feel so much better aft posting the button.

i really appreciate if u guys just drop comments like "have a good day" or anything, just so i know someone out there is hearing me...


;( i am really a confused individual.

 

[Sun]

Every soul experiences pain. I hope things work out in the future for you; have a good day or anything.

 

It's really tough losing people in your life, believe me I've experienced it too. You're only 17. That's only a fraction of your lifetime, not many people your age know what they want to do right now, or they do but they'll soon find out they've changed their minds. Just go with the flow, do what comes to you.

As for making friends, what have you got to lose? If people decide after you talk to them they wont be your friends then they're not the kind of people you want to be friends with anyway. Everyone has their own crowd, and I'm sure if you just pick yourself up and go for it you'll find yours too.

Defence mechanisms are understandable, everyone has a natural defence mechanism regarding letting people close to you, in case you lose them or they hurt you etc. but that's totally normal. Death is a part of life, and you have to make the best of the time you have, so don't hold back. Yeah, sure, only open up to those you feel comfortable with and happy to let in and get to know you properly, but don't be scared to the point you're secluding yourself.


There's my 2 cents. And be reassured there are people who care about your situation. If you ever need someone to talk to in confidence then my PM is always open and my Skype name is RoaryNZ.

Good luck with everything & have a good day.

 

[Apith]

Losing someone close to you is a horrible experience.

I feel like you're trying to say God let you down, and that's why you said "Before all this, i was a christian and was very proud to be one".

Your great grandmother must have been very old, if she were to live for another 2 weeks, you should know that she would suffer the pain as she was sick. After you also saw her, where she didn't give you attention, I fear she was more sick than you thought. And you wouldn't have really appreciated an extra 2 weeks of her suffering, after you thought she ignored you.

I'm sure you snapped after the Aunt incident.

All I want to say is I've been down the same road as you, a lot of people have, specifically the road where you don't see a future, you think all is lost. I still do sometimes, all I can tell you is to keep your chin up and things will get better, it can't get any worse right? Once you can get a job, you can be independent rather than be a hobo, move out of the city/state, get away from things that reminds you of your past. This would of course require a lot of effort and initiative if you want to go anywhere.

I wish you the best of luck with life.