What do you guys think about this essay? [Capital Punishment]

Well I've had this project for I think around 2-3 months now, and of course like any normal teenager I didn't do it until now (it's due tomorrow). I'd just like to know your guy's opinions on this. Something I feel is off about it, and I honestly don't know what it is. I'm thinking it might be the organization, or the wording, or how I back up my ideas, but I'd be more comfortable with other opinions on this. Anything is appreciated in terms of criticism (as long as you aren't a dick, remember, I wrote 3 months of research and planning in a few hours. From new ideas to add to simple word changes are appreciated.).

Essay -

 

I'm guessing that this is the thesis?

"Our own Justice system shouldn’t be more sympathetic to the criminals who committed the crimes than to the families who deserve that closure."

 

General points as I go along (they're in sequential order ish)

Be careful with rhetorical questions, they beg the question. The second paragraph contains two. These are all good and well as a form of persuasive tool, but just be careful.

Don't use the word proven. Empirical evidence demonstrates is a good substitute. Or, after citing a study you could say this suggests, as opposed to 'proven'.

Depending on the essay type, in the third big paragraph (the 3000 countries), you may want to provide the other side of the story (This is typically good to show that you can evaluate and will give you higher marks). Though I see that you've split it up, the pros in the top section, and cons in the bottom section. It's a better evaluation technique to provide the pros and cons of each argument together. Just a tip perhaps, but the way you do it is still good.

first step to help them, not helping imo.

"Furthermore, people who aren't executed and are in prison can still kill." Weak argument here.

"The last benefit of the Death Penalty; control of overpopulation." You kinda have two sub arguments here. The economic argument (Saving money) can easily be countered as death penalty cases have a long appeals process, statistics can be put here. As for the overpopulation, it's a weird argument imo.

------------Against-----------

The first sentence of the first paragraph elucidates your bias. Be careful, as this may compromise your evaluation marks as you won't have given equal weight. Also again, rhetorical question at the end, even worse that it's at the end of a paragraph.

Second paragraph, first sentence you went to first person. Don't do that, compromises impartiality which can affect your marks.

Third paragraph, you should note that DNA has come under scrutiny recently.

Fourth paragraph, using I.

Fifth paragraph, the reason for their length is due to the appeals process.

Sixth paragraph, teenage and adult, bad analogy.

Seventh paragraph, your typical criticism of the jury system, which is good.


Conclusion, you should back up your statistics (if you already haven't). Rhetorical question. I've been told by many teachers that ending with a quote isn't the best, perhaps you should reconsider.


It's a good essay, but there is some fine-tuning stuff and ways to improve it. Personally, I also don't like some of your phraseology, but that's just me. I think the best way to improve it, aside from removing the rhetorical questions, first person, etc, is to give a more balanced evaluation. Your clearly bias in favour of the death penalty (if it comes across to me, your teacher will see it), and you have shortchanged your evaluation of the arguments against it. It's a double negative against the evaluation criteria, and if you can fix that up, you'll have a great essay. Hopefully I was helpful!

 

The point of the essay was to show a bias, and to try and persuade. Thank you for the details though, but sadly I already passed it in before I could get to this Ended up getting a 90 though so it's all good