Nice peice of descriptive writing.

I got bored and decided to write.
This is the start of a little something i decided to write about from my past; it's written from personal experience. I may decide to write the rest later.
What's your throughts?


It seems like just another ordinary night as the stars unravell across the lush, dark blue sky, revealling a spectrum of light which glistens through Lee's bedroom window. On the bed lies a young boy, still as the room he occupies. He curls up in a ball beaneath the smooth, furry surface of the blankets concealing him.

He dreams of the wonders of the world, the salt glaciers of Egypt. The blinding sun gleams in the little boy's eyes as he swiftly glides through the misty water. He hears the soothing lull of the singing water, echoing, beckoning him in deeper. He strides in deeper, deeper still, until only his slim outline, distorted in the presence of the calm current, remains. He opens his eyes to a blurry sea of light greens and baby blues.

He's running out of breath; his heart pulses violently and his bloodshot eyes widen, poised directly infront of him. Darkness creeps over the atmosphere, leaving the gorgeous sky blood red. His soundless cries are drowned out by the ice cold liquid filling in his lungs. He hears a calming, angelic voice, whispering in his ear "Awake, awake, awake..."

 

It's descriptive, but there are numerous grammatical errors throughout. And you shift between tenses also - is it future, present or past? Make sure you keep that constant.

 

I tried to keep it in present. Changed a few things. If you find any errore could you please state? Thanks for input

 

As stated before you shift through tenses. Also "On the bed lay a young boy, still as the room he surrounded," is the room surrounding him, or is he surrouding the room?

 

He is in the centre of the room.

 

The adjectives are really smart and pretty. And it is a good story. It could be improved upon though. When writing descriptive pieces I try to paint a picture in the readers mind, not trying to be rude, but yours didn't do that for me, not well anyway. I would say it's too short describe more stuff.

 

Language techniques... Language techniques
Vary your sentence structure...
Use dynamic lengths; as in, make sure your sentences are not all the same length. Use short, quick sentences to create certain effects; longer ones to instill others.
Adjectives and vocabulary are hardly the best methods to write a successful English piece.
Descriptive? Yes; very much so.
Effective? Not optimally, I'm afraid.

 

Very nice, really brings you into the story. However make sure you check for any grammatical mistakes.
Aside from that, very nice

 

Thanks guys. Like i said, it was just a quick thing. I may work on it later.