The Book of Inappropriate Short Stories

This is a compilation of short stories I have made. They are highly inappropriate, and I do not recommended them to people who do not fancy inappropriate content. Please rate these stories based on your own thoughts.

The Man with No Nipples.

It was an odd day for young Devian Groenwoud. Well, that's to say odder than usual. He awoke at approximately 7:30 A.M. feeling groggy, and he was dieing for a nap. Good thing he has a stash of 5 hour energy. He walked downstairs, opened the cabinet door, and cranked open 16 bottles. After finishing his unusual amount of 5 hour energy's, he walked upstairs to take a shower. He turned the water on, making sure the temperature was just right. Lord knows what happened last time, his penis still hasn't recovered from the burns. He stepped into the semi-warm shower, and started lathering his extremely white and unattractive body with Axe body wash. After scrubbing his body, he began to wash his hair, when he saw his reflection in the shower head. "Hehehe, not a bad look- WHAT THE FUCK! WHERE ARE MY NIPPLES?!" he shouts. He began to jump out of the shower, but get's hung up in the shower curtain, and falls flat on his cock. He ignores the pain, stands up, and looks in the mirror. Sure enough, not a nipple on his chest. He was a skinny little guy, no muscles, just pure skin and bone. Now he's scared. He runs into his room, forgetting to dry himself off, and puts some clothes on. He sprints downstairs, grabs his keys to his Spongebob Gas Scooter, and heads for the local grocery store. He walks inside, and goes to the pharmacy section, to speak with his friend Douglas. Douglas was a cool character. He towered at 6 foot 7 inches, muscles the size of watermelons, and his hair, boy his hair could make a woman wet in under 5 seconds. He started speaking very frantically "Doug man, I need to tell you something, it's horrible, I can't believe it, I just can't, what will my future wife, well future anything think when they see this! I don't even know if it's possible, it's just like the shower incident, expect my junk didn't get burned. YOU GOTTA HELP ME!" "Chill bro!" shouts Doug "It really can't be that bad. And hey, you never know, you may just wind up bagging yourself a hooker or something. STD's aren't that bad man!" he says. "Yes they are, and that's not the point! Look at this!" Devian then lifts up his shirt, to reveal his nippless chest. "Sweet Jesus what the fuck! You have no nipp-" "Shut the fuck up man! It's bad enough that I told you, don't go shouting it to everyone!" "Dude, you seriously need to like get away from me, I don't know if it's contagious, but I kinda like my nipples, and I don't want some voodoo shit swiping em off!" Wow, real mature Doug, I thought you were a friend, W/e, see ya" cries Dev "GOOD LUCK WITH THE NIPPLE THING!" Doug turns to one of his co-workers "What? He has a problem, I was just wishing him luck, man what the fuck I helped you when you fell off your skateboard and that nail went right up your corn cave, now get back to work..." Devian then speeds down the road, and starts to make a left toward his mothers house, when he get's pelted in the head with a rock. "FUCK! What the fuck was that!" "Hey faggot" says Tom Stapleton "What the fuck do you think you're doing? Driving down my road without authorization. I thought I told you, only the men I sleep with are allowed down this road. Didn't I tell you that?!" "Ye- Yes sir Mr. Tom sir..." cries Dev "You best be going the other way then, before I plug your mouth full of meat boy!" "Yes sir! Right away sir!" Dev then turns around, then abruptly falls to the ground, shaking violently. He feels foam smothering the outside of his mouth, and his breathing starts to dissipate. He then sit's up, he's in his room, his mouth is dry aside from a little drool, and his head isn't pounding anymore. "Was it just a dream?" He lifts up his shirt, feels his chest "FUCK! Oh god damn it!"

End


Sane People use Paper

Dreams. A fascinating subject, really. Although, this dream has to be one of a kind. The name is Tom Stapleton, and I am a future artist. This dream I speak of, will literally have you gagging. Do enjoy…
You see, this dream started off normal. I was sitting in my study, head in hand, debating on what to draw next. Now if the drawings on the desk weren’t odd enough, the objects used for the drawings were a little more… sadistic. These drawings were written on flesh… Human flesh… The floor, well the floor was hidden by several ‘sheets’ of crumpled up skin. I was just about to put my pencil to the test when A knock at the door put me at a momentary pause. I opened the door, and sure enough, my supplier, Devian Groenwoud ‘s face appeared.
“Good evening there Tom, just got your latest shipment, want me to bring em’ in?”
“Yes please do, just set them here on the floor.”
Moments Later
“This shipment was a little rough, ran through a few problems”
“I hope these…problems, were resolved, and my supplies are good as ever?”
“Yes, yes of course.”
I grabbed my handy box cutters, and began to tear open the first box
“Oh yes, this is fine, very fine. Polyester lining, and a nice lemon polish?”
“First of it’s kind, or should I say the only of it’s kind.”
“Very nice, who’s was it?”
“One who goes by the name of Axel Fox, some crazy programmer, really annoying, and very evasive. Trapped him in the bathrom in the end. Not much a fight though”
“Not bad my friend, not bad, what else do we have”
“Dev, what the fu- what the fuck is this shit? It’s fucking black man!”
“Yeah, about that. They were very reluctant to be…Captured, so they uhh, well they jumped into a pit of fire…”
“A pit of fire? Where the fuck was there a pit of fire?”
“Oh well, it was a Sunday, they were doing some annual box burning. It’s easier to dispose of then wasting 100’s of dollars having someone come and pick them up each week.”
“This is completely useless, I am not paying for this, get this shit out of here…”
Alright, alright, well I can assure you the rest is fine.”
“And the cost?”
“Well, this shipment was rather easy to get, so I wont charge you for all the hassle, as for the product itself, for these 6 boxes, It comes out to $312.16…”
“Fuck… shit get’s more and more expensive each week… I am going to have to write you a check , that fine?”
“Yeah, no problem, and use the regular checkbook, I am tired of bank tellers asking me what product was used to make the checks, skin isn’t exactly normal to them…”
I then wrote out the check, ripped it out of the book, and handed it to him
“There you go, thanks a lot. Nrxt time, keep the black shit to yourself okay? Make yourself a nice err coat…”
“Alright, pleasure doing business with you.”

I then walked back downstairs, into my study, boxes in hand, to begin my work. The floor, well, it can be cleaned later. Anyways, I pulled out my first sheet of the finest skin I have ever used. The nice polyester lining, and lemon polish gave it a real fine texure and smell. I placed the sheet on the drawing board, and began to work. It was absolutely incredible, the
way the pen slid across the paper as if I were writing on air… Then, yet another knock on the door.

“Jesus, what the fuck… Can’t a guy work these days?”

I walked upstairs, opened the door, and literally fell back against the wall. It was a male…or female, with no clothes, on, no hair, and… no skin…
“Wh- who are you?!”
“The name’s Axel Fox… I heard you buy skin from a man named Devian Groenwoud? You boys thought I was dead eh? Thought I was an easy target? My skin, where the fuck is it?!”
“It- it’s down in my study, bu-“
“Shut the fuck up, and bring me the skin…”
“Bu-“
“Just get it!?”
I ran down stairs, full speed, grabbed the box of skin with polyester lining, and lemon polish, and rushed back upstairs. “
It’s right here sir.”
“What the hell is wrong with it?! It smells like shit and looks like someone rubbed it with a rag! It’s thinner than paper!”
“Well…You see, I use skin…as paper, for my drawings…”
“Are you insane? You had some lunatic chase me around my house, and shred off my skin, so you could use it as paper?!”
“Well, yes…”
“Heh, well, you use skin for paper? I like coats, Tom… Skin coats… You know what that means don’t ya?”
“No sir, what?”
What he did, utterly shocked me. After raging and ranting about, how I was insane for using skin as paper, he beats me over the head with a baton, drags me into my study, and begins shaving away my skin. I look up, barely able to muster a sound due to lack of breath, and the man starts sewing buttons into the finely shaven skin. Just when I thought it would never end, I awoke, sweat pouring into my eyes. I look around, my study looks normal as ever, drawings tacked to the walls, my desk just as untidy as I left it before, and my skin, thank god I had my skin… I hopped on my computer to type this crazy story, but alas, on ebay, skin coat for sale… Buttons and all…

The Legs Within

Yeah, I may not be the coolest kid on the block, and hey, I am not football material, But there are qualities in me that no one else possesses. I have the Legs Within. You see, you'd think that others would put me down, because I cannot walk, when in reality I walk on everyone. You see, me being in a wheelchair, means I can sucker 75 year old ass holes into picking my ass up when I fall over. That's the whole trick, you see. I wheel myself out into the middle of the street, tip myself over, and have sorry pricks like you guys feeling sorry for me, and picking me up. Who am I you ask? Why, my name is Zion. It was the oddest day in the world, well as far as odd days go. You see, it started off normal, you know, me wheeling over to my badass limo, pulling down my automatic conveyor ramp, and settling down with a nice frappe, enjoying my smooth ride to the grocery store. It actually seemed to happen to fast. A black escalade, with 80% tinted windows, black rims, and even for some fucking reason, a black license plate, pulls up next to my limo. Now, it wouldn't have been wierd or anything, if they hadn't cut us off, parked the vehicle, and got out. Now, I see two huge huge son of a bitches climb out of the SUV and walk over to the Limo. They are few inches away from me, and I start reaching for my Airsoft pistol, which of course doesn't count for shit because those things do absolutely nothing. They knock on the window, which was pretty unusual, and I roll it down. "Excuse, are you Mr. Zion Hericz?" says the man. "Umm, yeah that's me, who are you?" "Wh- Who am I? Are you seriously asking US that? You can't recognize who we are, when we clearly have an american flag on our Escalade, and the picture of the Presidential Seal on the side? Are you fucking kidding me? We are secret service!" He rants "Secret service? Well what the fuck do you want with me?!" I reply "Well, that needs to be discussed in a more... secret location..." "Alright, give my Driver the directions, and we will follow behind you" Little did I know this "Secret Location" was the fucking McDonalds Play Place... "Alright, that's it, you clowns are really going to try and pull off being the Secret Service, when we are clearly sitting in a fucking ball pit?" I shout "Sir, please lower your voice, and this is the only location available. We can't exactly waltz right into the whitehouse with some random kid in a wheelchair acting like everythings hunky doory!" "Okay, okay whatever, just tell me why you brought me here..." "It's the president, he needs a special favor from you. And it might seem insulting at first, but just hear us out." "Go on..." I reply "The President needs to borrow your wheelchair." "Alright, back the train a quarter mile, what the fuck? You honestly mean to tell me, that you followed me from my home, bring me to a god damn ball pit, to tell me you need to borrow my wheelchair? There are a billion wheelchairs out there! Why not go use one of those! "Number one, you have some pretty kickin spokes on that bad boy, and number two, there is actually something very unique about that wheelchair. It has a radar transittor, and displays the location of one said Osama Bin Laden." "Yeah, hop of my cock man, you actually think I am going to believe that? I bought this wheelchair at a fucking walmart, don't bullshit me." "We realize where you purchased the wheelchair, it was actually meant to be purchased by Stephen Hawking, but the bastard called hover round, and got a electric chair..." "This is not happening... Look, whatever, say this is actually happening, and you do take my chair, what do I get in return?" "Number one, you get to eat lunch with the president." "Already a bad deal, who the fuck would want to eat lunch with him? He'd walk in there and put the whole corporation into bankrup-" "Let us finish... Anyways, you will also get to customize your very own wheelchair, no matter what the cost may be." "Any cost? And I can add whatever I want? YOu got yourself a deal." "Then let it be done, pleasure doing business with you, we will send you a catelog, where you will be able to select any attachemnt you wish." "Alright, I will be waiting" So as if that was awkward enough, I wake up the next day, with a catelog sitting on my dresser, my room surprisingly spotless, and the same man standing over me, with a tray of pancakes..." "Please, feel free to begin filling out your catelog at any time" "Just pass it here, let me get this over with..." *Hmm let's see, MG105 Turbo Engine, 2 cup holder, electronic slide out flat screen TV, with additional pop-out computer monitor with touch screen, a seat warmer, a metal outbox covering with built-in fireplace, own personal butler, and I will also take... The assorted tabletop refridgerator.* "Will that be all sir? Well, I didn't see it in the catelog, but I did fancy my old rims, mind if I can get a set of those?" "Anything sir, oh and you also need to fill this out" *Pencil Snaps* Damn! "Have a spare pen/pencil?" "Sure" "Oo nice pen!" *Click* BOOM that's when the lights go out, I keel over, and next thing I know, I am waking up all over again, except my room is slightly less clean, and there is no man standing over me. I look over on the floor, and there is a package. I open it up to find a message, and a box of chocolates. "Sorry we had to daze you like that, but it was for your own good. You do not remember anything that happened I presume, that's to say if anything did happen, and you will be recieving a new wheelchair ASAP. You may not remember, but you did customize it yourself, hope it comes to be a surprise to you. Take care. Sincerely, Anonymous. "What...The...Fuck..."


End.

 

lmao, wow did you make these up?

 

Yes, I wrote all of these. Granted they are all inappropriate, but they are quite funny.

 

haha i laughed pretty hard at the first one, and im blazed so me and my friend are geeking right now.

 

Interesting stories, quite a few grammatical mistakes though. It's also a bit hard to read cuz of the font. Maybe put the stories into paragraphs.

 

The bright white text really hurts my eyes..

 

Text has been edited. Yeah, I realized the grammatical errors, I just haven't edited them. Yeah turtles, I was stoned when I wrote these.

 

These stories are definitely inappropriate as you put, but they are pretty interesting. I can tell that you were stoned when you wrote these

 

Hah, yeah, I was pretty stoned.

 

"He began to jump out of the shower, but get's hung up in the shower curtain, and falls flat on his cock."

i nearly died hahahahahah

 

I have a morning ritual that I need to share. I call it 'the terminator'. First I crouch down in the shower in the classic 'naked terminator traveling through time' pose. With my eyes closed I crouch there for a minute, visualizing either Arnold or the guy from the second movie (not the chick in the third one because that one sucked) and I start to hum the terminator theme. Then I slowly rise to a standing position and open my eyes. It helps me to proceed through my day as an emotionless, cyborg badass. The only problem is if the shower curtain sticks to my terminator leg. It ruins the fantasy.

 

Only read the first one because the size of the font and it not being double spaced was killing my eyes.

I like where you're going with them, clean up the grammar and redo the format then you're golden

 

I only read the first one. It's quite funny, but you jump around between the present and past tenses beyond belief!

 

Wow. You definitely were not lying when you said inappropriate, I found the first one funny though

 

None of them were really funny or...
inappropriate.
Or interesting but thanks for posting.

 

Funny stories

 

Lol these are actually pretty funny. Keep writing please

 

I liked the nipple one :love:

 

leern to grammer plis