My rap/song (Need advice and tips)

[gtdarkpunisher]

I find pleasure in my solitude, place with no mood
Really don't expect anyone to understand my attitude
But I'll still stand here, between lost and found
In a reality where everything is completely sound

No need to face problems we didn't mean to cause
No need to wonder why we're feeling so lost

But I still love it when people make me smile on my darkest days
But even then damn Misery has its own tricky ways
Pretty soon I cant say at least its not my worst day
These clouds follow but soon it'll clear and let it shine my way

One day

One day I hope there will be peace
A day where this madness will cease
Where we could talk to one another
Where we can pass the love to each other

Put these difference aside, peacefully reside
When will we find that state of mind?

Til then I can only dream of a day of serenity
While my mind is stuck in state of insanity

I've kissed Death plenty of times to get that feeling of rebirth
Wouldn't believe the crazy shit Ive managed to pull on this Earth
Danced with the devil a few times these past few years
I've been in the worst pain and agony but shed no tears

I am happy, that's just the saddest lie
Don't mind me I'm just passing by
Seems like no matter what I do I'm against world
Maybe someday Ill find the answer and make it my own
Tired of being called a devil but hell Ill tell him you said hey
...Thinking about it, I think I just saw him the other day.

Ill be the devils advocate and show you reality for what it is
But you'll need your mind set to have the mentality for this
If all goes well you'll lose fear of even Deaths Kiss
You'll see clearly, no longer living with ignorance as a substitute for bliss

Trust me you can only fool yourself for so long
Before you see everything you've done wrong
But it seems this world has no problem living in lies
No care for those hollowing cries

But who am I to tell you
Who am Ii to save you
Who am I?
Who am I?

Should I just stand back and watch the world burn?
Or take part of it and enjoy my turn?
Fuck it, I'll take a walk through the fire.
Isn't that your true desire?

Maybe one day I'll be able stand strong
Til then so long.
Wait a minute, hold on.
Fuck this shit I can't go on.

All I want is peace in my reality
Yet my thoughts are tainted with insanity
To cause my mind to be hit by such calamity

These red eyes see more than past the lies
And these hands are capable of reaching past the skies
But I'll keep low, never too high
Because that's when the problems arise

So I keep a steady thought that will never die
Fuck the world I'll live my days getting high
Hell, that's my reality
Fuck, just call me Insanity

Fuck the world, things never change, so why even try?



Ill take any advice and tips. I want to polish this so I can rap or sing it. I know its not that good, that why I am asking for constructive criticism and advice. Once I see I polished it enough I will rap it. For now help me edit/change the lyrics.

I plan on offer a small reward to those that actually help me build this into something better.

I appreciate all help.

 

[Nympho]

It'd be better if you actually rapped it. What makes a good rap song is 50% lyrics and %50 flow..

 

[OBH]

It'd be better if you actually rapped it. What makes a good rap song is 50% lyrics and %50 flow..

lol agreed..

 

[Mantitz]

Yeah just reading the lyrics and not being able to hear the flow makes it kind of hard to get feed back.

 

[whogoesder]

It'd be better if you actually rapped it. What makes a good rap song is 50% lyrics and %50 flow..

he said he wants to perfect it so he can rap it? :\

 

[burny]

Lacks purpose.
You'd need a really good beat or strong flow to pull it off because its basically a pointless rant.

Add a metaphor.
Everyone loves a well placed and relevant metaphor.

^constructive criticism ^
don't take it the wrong way and keep working

 

[the_dealer]

Ok, bro. Try keeping the sylabble count similar, and also the rhyme pattern. An occasional line that breaks from the pattern is fine (although the line should have some particular significance)

Try messing round with rhyme patterns, instead of just doing

a
a
b
b

etc.

 

[RHsituation]

even a death kiss.*

 

[gtdarkpunisher]

^

Dude, say something constructive or gtfo. He wanted some advice or tips. Quit flaming people just to increase your own postcount..

/rage

Ok, bro. Try keeping the sylabble count similar, and also the rhyme pattern. An occasional line that breaks from the pattern is fine (although the line should have some particular significance)

Try messing round with rhyme patterns, instead of just doing

a
a
b
b

etc.

Thanks. I realized this was a rough draft and needs a lot of work, I know it sucks as it is. I still I'm going to start from here and change it to have a good order and better rhyme patterns.

I will be editing my first post as I edit and find better verses, so I would appreciate that those who actually can offer constructive criticism to come back every so often. In the end I honestly hope to make this polished enough be a decent rap.

I edited right now since a few days after I posted this I had added things in notepad, but didn't have time to come back and post it.

Please don't come in here and just say it sucks, I want help not some asshole telling me it blows.

 

[the_lox]

sounds like a poem lol