Serious Help - Life-Long Addiction?

After reading many online stories, I am at least happy to say I am noticing/doing something about this problem this early on.

I've come to realize that I have a problem. I am addicted to adderall [amphetamines]. The first time I took any adderall was around 7 months ago. At this point, it's become such a vicious cycle that this week I binged hard for the first time and stayed up for 3 days straight with little sleep on the 4th day. Before this, I had never actually gone without sleeping because of the drug. This made me realize how much of a crackhead I don't want to fucking become.

I feel my life is being struck by the negative effects more and more as I continue abuse. Family, friends, female relationships, school, work, having fun. My libido is shot. Not from hours of masturbating on adderall (did this only a few times), but as long as I take any I have no sexual desire and can't get it up.

I bought 5 pills of vyvanse (nearly identical to adderall) from a girl at work. As she hands me the 5 pills, a bunch of people from my work come out of no where and see this. Suddenly I am KNOWN as the crackhead at work. They tell me "This is how it starts...", "You're going to start sucking dick for adderall..." etc. One co-worker said, "I hope you're not blowing lines of coke in the bathroom." He was clearly joking to exaggerate my behavior, but I have actually snorted many lines of adderall in the bathroom before.

Even if I want to use adderall to benefit schoolwise, I'll take some before my long drive to school so I can enjoy the euphoric effects kicking in as I play music in my car. Then, I'll do some schoolwork before saying 'fuck it' and go off to hang out with friends or do something fun.

I read that now that I've gone beyond the extreme beneficial effects of adderall, I'm going to stay permanently addicted to this drug for the rest of my life. Here's a quote on someone's stance on amphetamine addiction:

"For starters, you never really make the "transition back to your true self" after popping the first pill. The feeling of adderall induced euphoria is permanently burned into your subconscious and you will NEVER forget that feeling. Unfortunately, you will likewise never get that feeling back, regardless of how many pills you take or how long you have been abstinent. You will always feel that something is "missing" in your life, since adderall has effectively raised the threshold. Tremendously. Your brain will make every effort to block out all the bad moments associated with adderall in an effort to get you to start taking it again.

The diminishing returns associated with amphetamines are PERMANENT. Most people are going to go back to taking adderall even after quitting for months. It is during this period of relapse that most of you will realize that the adderall is NOT what you were hoping it would be. All of the bad effects of the drug will still be present and at full strength, but none of the good ones. It is this vicious cycle that keeps the user forever trapped and unable to break free. It is absolutely imperative that you realize the severity of this mental addiction if you are to have any success at all in quitting."


I am already noticing how true this is. Even after taking a break from adderall between semesters, everything I did for fun I had the mental note "Shit, this would be even MORE fun on adderall!"

It's honestly pathetic. I abused adderall last semester so much and I promised myself that after my friend gets more and sells them to me, I would restrict them to study uses only and just do amazing in school and in life! Know how that went? I took adderall BEFORE school even fucking started again. Not even that, I ended up eating some cotton swab out of a nasal inhaler, Benzedrex, that is another type of stimulant. The cotton swab wasn't supposed to be eaten though, and I went to the emergency room because my intestines were blocked off or something (I'm fine now). I don't see how I didn't realize how fucking retarded I was to do that, let alone CONTINUE abuse after that!

I've told myself countless, countless times that I would quit. I set up dates that I would quit so many times. I still haven't quit. If anything it's gotten worse. I still have 1 pill of vyvanse and a 10mg IR adderall pill. I realized that if I truly want to quit, I can't "finish my stash" and continue. I'm going to get rid of this pills myself (and NOT by using them lmao!).


Sorry for the essay. I have no where to turn. I'm not going to family and there isn't much my friends can do. It's all on me but some advice/moral support is always appreciated on multiple levels.

 

Let me guess, you're a little follower of Wiz and you wanted to be just like him eh? Well, look how that turned out for you... Honestly mate, you say you can quit, you'll be able to quit. Mope around and say you can't? you can't quit. Simple. It's not about getting support, it's about doing something about your problem.

 

His music is good too.

And I completely agree. Outside support is my first step to doing something about it.

 

Wow, I read your whole post. I feel bad for you but there is no point telling anyone or yourself you re "going to quit" you have to want to quit and want to change your life around. I think you can make your life better 100% never to late. Also everybody would be different so perhaps with the right help and support you wont get that "something is missing" feeling. Goodluck man and if you need anything that i could help with dont be afraid to pm me

 

Appreciate the support man. I'm going to edit my post a bit. I created it the day after that longest binge ever, so I was clearly feeling depressed from lack of drug/sleep/realizing what I had done.

Gave away my pills to a friend yesterday with no problem and not looking back.

 

Just stop hanging around with the people who give you those pills. The first step to stopping an addiction is stopping your connection to those who have/can supply you. I don't believe in the whole permanent, "something is missing" bs because everyone is different and not everyone face situations the same. Just stop the root to those pills and stay clean. Make new friends, hang around people who are clean. I know you're able to quit. You will end up fucking your life if you don't stop now.

 

Well, you have admitted you have a "problem" now i would recommend that you stop hanging out with the people whom are encouraging/supplying you with these drugs that is your second step.

 

Just want to give a huge thanks to everybody here. I'm gonna go ahead and say that I over-dramatized a bit with my OP; I have no desire to continue use and everything has been great recently. Thanks guys

 

Glad to hear it, let me know if you want this re-opened