Depression at an all time worst...

About two week ago... my best friend... MY BROTHER... died. (not real brother, not by blood at least, and im a guy sry about name, ex gf, heh w/e)

I found him the next morning in a pool of blood. Cold and stiff as a board... dead. I still cant sleep properly without having dreams of that morning. I blame myself alot for not being able to save him. He died from a drug OD. I was the one who put him to bed... before when he would take drugs i would stay up and make sure he was breathing the whole night before i would go to bed, cause id have bad anxiety and worry non stop... this time i took my medication and was out cold within an hour...

I keep thinking what if i didnt go to bed, what if i stayed up like all the other nights, maybe he would still be here with me...

My friend... my brother literally saved me. I have had attempted suicide in the past 4 times... he literally made me love life again. When he came into my life after those attempts... i was ready to go again, but he changed me. We made plans. We were gonna move out of our parents houses and get our own place. Get jobs... go to school... get GFs... and be best friends and brothers and in each other lives forever.

MAN it was beautiful. I LOVED this guy so much. He was my family and everything to me. I would do anything for this guy. One time i did drugs with him, when i didnt even want to, ONLY only to be with him... yeah fucked up aint it?

Ive had major depression problems... ive been molested... physically and emotionally drained and abused... drug problem... abandonment... homeless... the list goes on. Ive been on so many medications i could have started my own pharmacy. Ive been on 8-10 different medications at the same time. The most was, 19 pills i had to drink everyday. It was ridiculous. And from all this my buddy saved me.... when i met him and began hanging out with him.... i reduced all that to 2 medications... yes 2 pills a night... and methadone... and i was happy again.

I had this new promising life... i had things to look forward to.... i had FAMIL|Y in my life again. I LOVED again... but of course... with all my luck... he ended up dying on me.

Ive never been more depressed in my life than i am now. Im even more depressed now than when i tried suicide the first few times. Yeah i know, fucked aint it. To top it off... 3 days ago i get into a car accident. Going home i swerve to aboid hitting something or someone and hit a power poll... totalling my car and .... and.... breaking my right foot. Now i cant go anywhere and have to wear a cast for 6 weeks.

So now im here writing this... depressed more than ever... thinking of things WORSE than ever... and i feel like i just cant go on anymore...

I want to be with my brother again... i miss him too much it hurts. It litterally hurts just to think about him. I loved him so much... so so much. Im crying right now as i type this. I cant go on without him. I know ppl say "well he wouldnt want u to suicide, and what would he say right now to you" but.... no hes gone..... i mean... he cant say anything.... he cant come back as a ghost and say.... "hey bro dont do it... live for me".... he is GONE.

I dont believe in god... because i dont believe "god took him" i mean that would make him a monster. Beacause my brother was the most beatiful and caring person i have ever known. Sure he had his demons... dont we all... but he had a huge heart, i remember telling him this. Telling him how important he was to me.

Now he is gone... and ive never felt more alone in my life...

I feel dead again.... more dead than ever.... and nothing.... NOTHING will make my heart beat again. I really want to join him guys... ive been in contact with docs and therapists and counselors... was even admited to hospital... they wanted to admit me because i was suicidal, but i didnt want to go because hospitals just feel like prisons. They dont really help you... just pump you full of pills and send u to ur room. I know... ive been there before....


All im asking right now is........ a one last "what can i do.... to save myself?"

If i do nothing... i know i will be joining him one way or another....
But what can i do? everything ive tried thus far does not make the pain go away. THE PAIN IS TOO GREAT. Its too much for me to handle... i dont want to hurt anymore but its too powerful and so great that i will explode.

My parents are aware of my feelings and would do anything to save me, but they cant. Ive told them i dont want to be saved... part of me doesnt... but i only say this because ive tried everything and nothing is working. So i say i cant be saved. My parents keep thinking is a money thing and saying well sry we arent rich and cant give u a house and shit. If they gave me 1m... hell 10m it wouldnt change a thing. Id still be super depressed. Probably only kill myself faster with drugs. Oh, yes definitely die faster with drugs. Id be thankful for the money... but money isnt everything. I know me dying would destroy my parents. But i am suffering too much. I cant live for them anymore... living for someone elses purpose is too much. I cant do it.... i cant live an empty... zombiefied life for my mom just so she will be happy. She keeps saying dont do anything while im alive.... well fuck.... ur not gonna die for another 20 years.... i cant live that long. Thats what i think... instead of being concerned about my mom, i think well how soon will she die.... its that fucked up. Thats how great my pain is.... it has to end... and end soon...

What can i do?

 

That really got to me, I'm lost for words.
All I can say is your a intelligent young man, Things can and will only get better although it might not seem that way but they will.

 

Yeah ive been told that before...

'It will get better in time'

Well its been 7-8 years now... and its only gotten worse....

 

Don't do anything you will regret, Set goals occupie yourself with sports although its a tough loss it will help you later in life.

 

I'm in no way an expert. But anybodies words can mean something. I've had depression in the past but not like this. At this point you want help but won't fully accecpt the fact that it will go on. Don't get me wrong this is very sad. But you need to look foward into the future. Yes maybe things could of been changed, maybe not. You don't know and you never will. Dreading never solves anything. Don't ignore what happened but keep it mind that its how you take the problem that affects not only you but everyone around you. Hit me up brother anytime or email me and i'll talk. I'm more than happy to help you out. Good luck man.
Andrew

 

I cant set goals... because i dont see a future for me at all anymore...

Part of me really wants to join him... part of me already has...

In the past when i was suicidal or this depressed i always looked for help... and went to the hospital, got admited couple of times. But is that what my life has to be like from now on? Hospital after hospital visits? Pumped full of drugs... thats not life. I dont want that. I see no hope........

Its depressing just to think about heh

 

Seriously , don't think about suicide , do you believe in god?
It's strictly not good to attempt to suicide
You have more in life , I lose $6000 when I was only 16 , was gambling was money from my mother.
I was about to attempt suicide but then my religion saved me please dont do it.

 

First and foremost, i really am sorry for your loss. When i joined the army i spent 6 months with 49 other guys. living, sleeping, eating. i spent everyday with them. once we got our orders some of use were together but the others got sent all over. we keep up with facebook, iv had 10 friends pass on and even more get injured over seas from ieds. One of the guys i was very close to in basic as we both went in over weight. we droped over 50lbs, we pushed each other to graduate. I got a medical discharge, stop checking facebook as i have a family i had to support on my ass from the army giving me the boot. btw the medical discharge was forced on me by dick faces. any way i log on one day to see my friend had lost both legs and his right arm to an ied. i was late by 2 months. my heart droped. worse feeling in the world. after that my brother's squad hit an ied delivering a prisoner. he was uninjured but lost his best friend. He has really bad ptsd. post traumatic stress disorder. he would just break down and cry randomly. what im trying to say with this long ass post is it's hard to lose a friend, a borther, or someone close. but you don't take selfish actions and end your own life. you know how your feeling right now thats how your parents and friends will feel, your parents would feel 10x worse. if my son or daughter ever did that to me i wouldn't be able to function, so think about it like this your not only ending your life your taking your parents with you. cold hard truth. Life is worth living everyone has bad times and good times, its the good times that make the bad times worth living. So buck up, life "WILL" get better if you put your mind and some effort to it.

 

Your brother would hate to see you like this. You know that right? Ain't need to be able to speak to the dead to know this. That he wants you to live your life to the fullest and stay happy. He wishes that you will pick yourself up and move on, because you have to! He needs you to stay postive and strong at this moment and it hurts him to see you depressed.

He loves you and wants you to tuck your chin in, dry those tears and move along. For your brother, let's do this, shall we?

You have to take the first step to recovery, it's going to be the hardest and most painful step. But if you manage to do it, the subsequent steps will be smoother, and each step you take will lead you and your brother to happiness.

You must do it, not for me, not for your family, but for you and your brother.

 

You know i think about this a lot of the time. People who have gone to war and killed others or seen horrible things and get ptsd or lost friends or lost their limbs. These people have an actual reason to be so depressed and in pain. WHY why am i like so? Ok so i had some hardships growing up... so why am i so depressed? I hate it so much... i even think about 3rd world countries... kids who dont have anything to eat and are dying everyday. I have foot on my plate and a roof over my head... again why am i like this??? It depresses me even more when i think about this. People who are way worse off than me and yet they still are FIGHTING and want to live... where as all i think about is giving up. What is wrong with me -_-''

I know what you mean but... I told him if anything was to ever happen to him id be joining him. Its not that i have to keep the promise or something... i told him this so that he wouldnt do anything stupid, yet he still did. and now i feel like that. I just feel like i cant live without him... its so fucked up i know. Ive been diagnosed as Bipolar and Borderline Personality Disorder and apparently you do sort of think like that about ppl close to you. That you "cant live without them" and so on and so on. I dont know how to change this. Ive gone through so much counseling and so much therapy that nothing seems to help.

Again why am i like this?? *sigh*... i just want to be normal... but im anything but...

 

I'm so sorry to hear that.

I've read a book similar to your situation about a girl who loses her friend from suicide and she doesn't know how to move forward. The book is called 'Hold Still' by Nina Lacour.

I've honestly never been in that kind of situation before, but the only way to move on with your life is to actually pursue it. Please don't make it seem like it's your fault for him not being here, it was his decision.

Sometimes therapy does not work because they push you into 'feeling better' their way. Find a hobby or build something out of scratch. When you open new doors, you also close old ones.

I don't think your friend would want to see you like this. Be strong for yourself, and for him.

Please don't give up on life, imagine how your parents will feel when they walk onto your shoes.

I hope that you'll find something that would make you start a new path. Do something that you want to do and hopefully it'll grow from there. I hope to hear more about your progress!

 

Tough read. Here I am thinking I've been having problems, but you know what, we all do. I'm sincerly sorry for your loss, but please excuse me for not being sensitive to the suicide issues. I understand it's something you you can't really wrap your head around unless you're in it, so it's hard for me to judge. But from the outside, suicide always seems like the cowards way out. It's a selfish act and it affects more people than you realise. Life is a game to be played man, you can't just throw your cards in when it gets tough, even when it seems like it's all gone.

You've been through a lot and it's nothing I can relate to, but if I've learnt anything, it's that there's nothing wrong with asking for help. It doesn't make you any less of a person for needing a hand to get through a tough spot. You've been going to counselling, don't give up on it. Those people are there to help and even though you say it's not doing any good, keep at it, something will eventually go your way.

I have this problem that when I feel a certain way about something and there's so much I need to say, I can't do it verbally and need to actually write it down. It gives me time to write what I really mean. I'd encourage you to do the same and take that with you to your counselling sessions.

It seems like it's you against the world at the moment, but the only way out is to put your game face on and kick some ass. I wish you the best.

Ryan

 

I can understand why someone would say suicide is a cowards way out, not considering your family and all. Ive thought about it a lot. What if your family was one of the main sources of your pain? What if you have a mother that tells u such things as "i wish i drowned you as a child", or a father that says "i dont care about you, you can hang yourself for all i care"... and then get drunk and kick you out on the highway at 1am only because you asked him to slow down. What if he even beat you and sometimes, still to this day, gets violent with you. What if you've considered moving out, but cant because you would be quickly kicked out on the street? Not even two jobs would be enough to have a normal life here... this city is very expensive to live in. You have no money as is so you cant escape to anywhere... even if you were to somehow endure all this... you have other problems. Like not being able to sleep at all, and when you do, all you dream about is the times you were sexualy molested... or dream about your dead friend you discovered that morning ODed... still cant get the images out of my head... and i know its not going to get easier, because the molestation happened 17+ years ago, and still remember and see it like it was yesterday. Countless hours spent in therapy and counseling and on every possible different medication and nothing seems to work, not even the slightest.......

maybe i havent given up yet, because im writing my story here and hoping someone may know what i could do... but honestly what can i do? I know for sure something has to change because i cannot endure it anymore... that is all im saying.... i cant endure this anymore.... whatever happens, happens... Ive been hospitalized 3 times only in the past 12 months for my mental health, let alone my life time. Is this the way life is meant to be lived? No, its not... yet no matter what i do i cant escape this fate. It seems as though im meant to suffer this life....

Its a sad thing i know... but im also tired of complaining... one day ill stop asking for help and then what will happen? *sigh* this isnt even the beginning of what ive endured in my life... im just too emberassed to post it. Yeah too embarassed to post online where its anonymous... bleh

 

It sounds like you have gone through a lot. There's got to at least be one thing that keeps you from still living.

Do you honestly feel the urge to be happy again? Yes you've gone through terrible things, but the only way to move forward is actually taking the step to ignore all those dreadful things that has happened to you.

The more you look back in your life, the more time it actually takes for you to step up.

If parents, counselors, or anyone for that matter can't support you - then you must find strength in yourself.

 

Honestly... i dont know if i have any urge for anything anymore. Ive wanted it so badly in the past but for years i was unable to achieve it. Ive just about given up. How can i find the strenght within me? I feel like ive used it all up. Ive been going through this for nearly a decade... the strenght is very very much depleted.

 

*sigh*

still cant get the image of his face and his body as i tried to wake him up, not knowing he was already gone....

i miss him so much .... it kills me