Lately

I wento the movies with my girlfriend today.
I realized how much I hate her.
It's almost like i'm with her because I don't know any better, It would be weird not to be with her.


I thought about suicide.
Not about committing it. But what it would feel like. I almost convinced myself to do it. Just to see what it would feel like.

Im a good looking guy, Im in shape, in boxing. I go swimming all the time.
But yet I don't see myself like that. I look at myself and see myself as disgusting. And see all my imperfections. But why? At the same time I know im fine. But then the other part of me tells me the opposite.

I wake up in the morning. Check my facebook. Rarely reply to anyones messages anymore. Even though I used too.

Then I go downstairs. Make something to eat. I only eat half of it.
I go sit on the porch.

Stare.

Stare.

Keep staring.

Almost to the point where my mind is completely blank except for the thought that tells me it is not blank.

I receive text messages on my phone.

"hey how are you"

I dont reply.

I go to the imax today.
And I feel crowded. My friends ask whats wrong. I just look at them.
Then go back to regular business. Then feel crowded again.
Finally I leave.

I take a shower. I feel so dirty. Not physically dirty but mentally.
Although I don't think I have done anything to make me feel that way.

I feel like I have something to let out. But I dont know what it is.


My dad is sick.
Yet I dont care.

Why?
He hasnt been there for me since i was young. But shouldnt I still care?


My mom only calls to put me down. Yet I reply with agreement to her words, So i dont have to argue. It doesnt affect me. But it adds up.


Im not happy with anything about myself. ALthough it used to not be that way.

I just dont find enjoyment in the simple things anymore that I used too. The only thing I look forward too is going back to sleep.

Girlfriend says I need to talk about whats really bothering me. I dont fucking know what is. Obviously all this? She says its deeper.
But I cant find anything deeper.




Anyways sorry for the blabber.
It was a release to type this all out.

 

I'm saying you're 15-17?

It sounds droll, but trust me when I say it's completely common .

Hell, I think I was in that stage at around 13...

Basically, smile, pretend you care, and go on with your day. Eventually it comes back and things go back to being easy pie. It's all part of growing up.

 

18, thats what I dont understand. Havent felt like this since i was young.

 

Hmm, get out. You probably just feel routine and no one likes to feel trapped =/. Not trying to make what you're going through seem less than what it is, but there's usually an underlining issue involved.

 

Your probably right, Thanks.

 

Smoke weed.

Seriously.