I'm very depressed, I don't feel as if I serve a purpose

I don't know where to begin, I don't have anywhere where my voice matters. Everyone thinks they understand and tells me that I'll grow out of it. Maybe one of you will.

I've been recently struggling with depression, and its hitting hard. I've been in the US Navy for about a year now, and I've never felt so alone. I feel so alone mentally, and physically.

The navy has given me so many opportunities to meet new people, and when I try I feel like I just give off this vibe of zero self confidence, depression, and anxiety, and thats where I tend to stop trying. Every day I come home and the only thing I look forward to is to crawl into my bed and sleep. I have no interest in anything, I have no motivation for anything, It feels like I'm dragging a ball and chain around everywhere I go.

It's even gotten to the point where I go into public places by myself, and I feel as if everyone's eyes are on me, picking out every detail thats wrong with me.

I have been in a commited relationship for 2 years, and half of that has been a distance relationship. I love this girl, and she loves me. But we only seem to be genuine when we are together, I've seen her only about 4 weeks total in the past year. We both want us to work but the distance is so hard...I'm terrified what might happen when I have to go on deployment, and on top of all that, she battled depression so she knows what its like, and when things are going good, she's the ONLY thing that can put a slight smile on my face. But, more times than not, we end up in such a small argument that gets blown out of proportion. On top of that, my fucked up mind goes nowhere besides the fact that she might be messing around with someone else, I have no justifiable proof, nor any reason to believe she is, but I can't help but going to that place, where I think she is. I couldn't imagine life without her though, I'd be at a complete loss, and probably end it all.

It feels like im stuck in an endless loop of just "surviving", im just here...what purpose do I carry? What am I doing in this life if I can't bring anything to the table for anyone...?

I live alone, so that doesn't help, everyone around me is so interested in partying and going out, nobody feels genuine. I feel as if I bring nothing to the table, and thats why people look down upon me. I'm so tired of this, I try to play video games to take my mind off of reality for a bit, and nothing helps. I'm 21 years old, I haven't tear'ed up since the loss of a family member years ago, and that's all I want to do at night when I lay down to go to sleep. I'm just at a loss of what to do, of course I get "those" thoughts, but I only get them when it gets out of hand, which is normally at night, every night. I just want to be free of this pain.. I want my normal life back. I want to be happy again.


UPDATE:

I've requested a close on the thread, everyone's kind words helped immensely. Thank you all, if you are battling a similar issue, please take a read at what everyone had said below. It truly helps. Don't be afraid to talk to someone, you're not alone.

 

First off, if they think youll just grow out of it and it will get better with just time, they are wrong and probably dont get what your going through fully. Its important to keep talking to people about it, be it online, with ur gf or wherever.

Ive been thinking about how everything is pointless for a while and i cant see much point often either. I made 2 ground rules i live by now and it really helps. 1. do many things that make me happy and 2. do as many things to make others happy.
Helping others and seeing them apprieciate that is one of the best ways to feel better when you feel useless. Even the smallest things can go a long way.

And about the part with everyones eyes on you, i used to be excactly like that but ive gotten a bit better now. The thing that helped me is the fact that, at the end of the day, all those people you think are judging you etc. dont even notice you in the first place. Everyone lives their life with themselves in the center of everything and 99% of the people you encounter or walk past dont matter.

Cant give you any advice with the gf part as im also really terrible with those things. Hope things get better for you tho stay strong man!

 

This hits home with me. I used to be this same exact way with depression, anxiety, and loneliness for a majority of my teenage years until I was 21. First off, your voice does matter, you just have the feeling it doesn't. I was the same way, you have this subconscious anxiety that makes you second guess yourself and your capabilities, which makes it feel like you don't matter to anyone. In reality its the complete opposite, you do matter to a lot of people, and your voice does matter. For me it was always a problem of speaking up and I was always a quite person most of the time because I convinced myself that my voice didn't matter. I learned after the years that my voice did matter though, a lot.

I also used to come home and try to play video games, mostly runescape and world of warcraft. This was to escape reality for just a while, because being alone and unimportant was the worst feeling ever. The thing I learned though is that you just have to throw yourself out there. I only recently did it 10 months ago and I can tell you my life has gotten 100% better. Just go out with your friends and don't doubt yourself about your voice mattering, once you start conversing on a regular basis it'll just become second nature and you won't think your voice doesn't matter. For me, I had never tried to date until 10 months ago, but I eventually said fuck it, I don't care if they don't like me, someone will, there's a person for everyone. After a few tries with some girls, I found one that I truly could connect with and we've been dating ever since. She is now my fiance, we've been dating for 8 months and engaged for 3 months.

I haven't had a long distance relationship, especially one where you cant see them but for 4 weeks out of the year. But if it helps, my fiance's brother is married and he has been in the same situation. He just always has trusted his wife, no matter how far apart they are. They've been together for 6 years now, the whole time he's been in the air force. They are happy as ever, things will get better over time.

The main thing with depression and anxiety, which I've found out since I suffer from both of them, is that you make yourself believe stuff that is completely false about yourself. The things I have done that helped me are:

1. I started exercising and concentrating on my health.

2. I started going out with friends and meeting new people, even though it felt like the worst thing ever as an introvert.

3. I started to not care about what i thought people thought about me, because most of the time you make up something in your head that's completely false.

4.( I don't recommend this but I did it). I started taking medicine to ease these symptoms, It helps a lot but the side-effects and withdraws from these medicines are horrible. If you can battle it without medicine, do so.

Things will get better in time man. Just keep your head up, I've gone through much of what you are talking about and things have always gotten better. The thing that helped me the most is getting away from video games and stuff that keeps me from actual personal social interactions. I still play video games but in moderation now, not like 12 hours a day throughout my teenage years.
I hope the best for you man, and wish you the best of luck with battling this, as I know its not easy.

 

Hey man,

Reading those kind of confessions is never pleasant and you deserve some positive words from the community you're a part.

When you go through hard times, always take the time to remember who you are and where you come from. Turn yourself towards your family and spend some time with them. Haven't seen them in awhile? Pack your stuff and go spend a weekend with them and trust me, this will do you some good. If you're in constant contact with them, maybe you should try to open up the topic and ask for advice. They know you better than anyone else and they usually know how to reassure and help any situation.

If family isn't an option for x reason, what you should try is a therapist/psychologist. By the way, many may think seeing a therapist will look bad or some may even feel ashamed of themselves, but this could very well be the reason why they found their way back onto the right track, dare should I say are alive.

Some other tips would be finding yourself a job or a passion. They will cover a lot of your free time while you wait for your deployment and will occupy and stimulate your mind, which is a great thing when you go through hard times.

Think about the future you want to have with your girlfriend because yes, there will be one once things fall into place.

You'll get through this.

 

Working out and exercising will definitely help with our lack of self-confidence. When I was in high school I felt the same way like everyone was looking at me. When you start working out it changes how your mind interprets it. Instead of thinking "these people are looking at me because I'm weird" it will change more to "these people are looking at me because I'm god dam sexy" lol.

 

Consistent exercise is a game changer.
Don't listen to your brain when it makes up every possible excuse not to go .

Just get yourself out the door, and repeat until it becomes a habit. Best of luck man and just hit me up if you need to talk!

 

I appreciate all the positive replies. It was a nice read this morning. I've been taking it day by day, things haven't been going well with my relationship now, so I decided to go out with the one person who seems like they will speak to me here. I had a few drinks and well, alcohol doesn't mix well with depression. It was a struggle that night I got home, a very rough night. I'm starting small first. Trying to lift my head when I walk, posture, and attempting to wake up earlier, though I don't sleep much at night. Day by day I suppose.

 

Mate im so glad you are trying! That is the key! Not to give up! Every one has a purpose who knows you might save some ones life next week and the guy you save cures cancer,

Just because you do not see your purpose you do have one! How many people do you think you talked to when they felt suicidal? And you talking to them made them feel better?

Who knows what your purpose is but trust me we all have one! We just do not see it all the time!

 

Firstly, just wanna say I'm here if you ever need someone to talk to. I'm interested in what you have to say and you matter.

Forget what you're doing for anyone else; we could all spend our lives trying to do things for other people and get nowhere.

What do YOU want? What makes YOU happy? Are you where YOU want to be? If not, change it.

At the end of the day you're born alone and you'll die alone with just yourself for guaranteed company, other people will come and go but you need to make yourself content first.

 

This is the best advice. Working out was probably the best thing I ever did for myself. I started right after I left high school (I was in sports throughout but we never lifted), when I first started I was extremely self conscious and felt very out of place. Thats probably what helped me the most, was being pushed past my comfort zone and forcing myself to try new things. Everyone is unique, if you feel you are stuck in a loop try and break free from it and see where it takes you

Give it an honest effort, it takes months to notice a change but people who haven't seen you will definitely notice.

Good luck

 

@NabeRs

OP listen carefully because what I am going to say is going to hurt:

You have lived without a purpose for so long that this girl is your only source of happiness. Her knowing that gives her the upperhand. You have thoughts her cheating and admitted it will destroy you. Being said, most likely she is because reality is no one would enjoy only seeing the love of their life 2 weeks in 2 years. You only feel a genuine connection with her when you meet in person which means you are most likely the guy shes seeing on the side. Girls of this era are very deceptive and they will play you like a fiddle. If the day comes around you find her cheating (would be hard since you live so far away) you'd prolly resort to suicide. She prolly knows you hate partying and the hoe lifestyle so she does it when you are gone since thats what most chicks are into nowadays.

What you need to do to fix this: Start going to the gym, you will balance your hormones and feel better overtime. Its a healthy hobby and will meet new friends who dont like to drink and party and be sluts. You need to break up with this girl before she breaks up with you. Don't do it impulsively but realize its the best decision. Most likely she is cheating on you because the very little arguments you have that escalate out of proportions shows that. Only time a girl acts like that is when she has another guy on the side who is doing whatever she asks and doesnt fight because most likely its just a physical relationship and not an emotional or vice versa. This gives her the false sense that she can treat you like shit or "always be right" and no matter what you will still be attached to her. You seek love from the creation when you should be seeking love from the Creator. She is just another Delilah...Remember.. 1000 men couldnt defeat Sampson... but all it took was 1 woman. Don't be another Sampson.. Turn back to God and seek his pleasure and he will fix the problem you are in.

Why you should believe me? For years all I have done is cared about my own pleasure and desires. Heavily into weed and the next high while at the same time someone who loved me lost interest in me due to my negative habits and lazy ways. It lead me to where you are: feeling without purpose and attached to her in the end. The way I fixed it (still working on it) was walking away from her as much as I loved her and focusing more on rebuilding myself through Gym and Constant worship towards God. A heart only finds contentment doing what is their purpose. If you ever need someone to talk to add my skype in my sig below.

 

Im getting better everyday, wow, I never thought I'd be called shipmate on sythe, Props to you. Semper fortis

 

I'm going though the same thing mate, sucks arse, just feels like theres nothing more to do in life

 

UPDATE: I have never been better! I came to realize what was putting me down was my relationship, I couldn't see past the good in her to realize what was bringing me down. I've ended the relationship for almost 2 weeks now, and my confidence has started to come back, my drive to be myself has came back. My focus for my career has came back. I started going to the gym, and focusing on myself. I've set some short term goals in the midst of a long term goal, and that's what we're working towards, thank you to everyone for the comments.

For the rest of you, it gets better, push yourself, trust me, its the best thing you'll ever do.

Thank you all.

 

Depression is hard but its all on you to snap out of it man I believe that fully....I was there many times hit rock bottom and climbed my way back to the top so many times I lost count... life aint full of sunshine and rainbows its a very mean place and it doesnt care how tough you are it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it...

You have to train your mind...

If I were you I would take up a habit... bodybuilding really helps.

 

I suppose you didn't see my comment before your comment, but digging the rocky quote

 

Glad to hear things are picking up, keep at it

 

My thought is, you don't need to serve a purpose to anyone specifically, just live life to make yourself happy man That's what I do, who cares what others think, who cares if you're not going to do anything super big in life, just live life to enjoy the world around you.

 

Nabe, I would really enjoy speaking with you. Can we PM?