I don't deal with death properly, how do I fix that

So today I lost my best friend in real life to an overdose. He was not depressed or suicidal, he was one of those guys that just thought nothing ever bad would happen to him and that he's untouchable.

When Lime died (@Lame for those of you that don't know him), it hit me hard. I lost one of the probably only 2 guys that knew exactly what to say at the right time. Now that I've lost this guy, I've lost 100 percent of that support system.

I live alone. I am estranged from my family. Not by my own choice. I have not actually seen my father since 2014. Barely spoken to him if at all in those 3 years, and when I experience personal permanent loss such as death, I'm finding I react absolutely horridly to it. I have had to fend for myself since 2010. I was able to bury a lot of my problems in College, pseudo-adulthood that lets you shirk a lot of responsibilities.

Not only did I completely melt down on here, to what I later learned was nothing short of jesting (granted it was at my expense), but I snapped at people I am personally close to in real life as well.

I tend to have a self-destructive personality when I get manic. It has literally permanently ruined friendships, the metaphorical corpses of those friendships haunt me daily.

Now with my support system in tatters, I'm scared. I am scared I am going to fall even further deeper into darkness. What should I do? Most of my IRL friends do not even live in the same state anymore. I cannot afford any type of counseling and even if I could afford some kind of medication, I'd be too araid of the side-effects tbh.

I need some natural, HEALTHY ways to deal with loss. Because I am becoming a real bitch when it happens to everyone around me.

I'm going to start by taking a small break from this place, I clearly need one again. But I really want advice, so I'm going to stick around for a few days to get it.

 

Have you tried getting in touch with your family and talking to them? Maybe not your father, even I have father problems but my mom has always been there for me. Idk your full story but sometimes just talking it out wit someone you love can really help. If not, what're things you enjoy doing?

 

So my mom died when I was 8 years old. Everybody in the family kind of changed personality wise after that. Not so much my immediate family but a lot of my extended family did (but my dad was never the same, he's like a completely different person, even just being 8 back then I could still see it). Then when my Dad got remarried a few years later, that bad blood in the family escalated quite a bit (my moms side of the family was furious). I've tried reaching out a few times but I don't get much bite. I only really talk to my sister anymore but she has her own demons to face and I don't want to drag her into my problems.

Growing up without a mother (my step mom was not a warm maternal figure) definitely hardened me more than I'd like to admit. I can be short with people and have a short fuse, but I'm usually able to manage it. Unless I get manic, if I get manic all bets are off. This is why these two people I mentioned in particular were so crucial to me. I wouldn't say I relied on them for happiness, but I relied on them to tell me when I was acting like a moron. And they knew what to say to help me stop acting like a moron.

I think I bury my head in trying to get out of my school + personal debt + this forum + playing video games too much and I try to ignore personality flaws we all deal with. I generally opt to be anti-social instead of addressing them. I'm scared if I do that this time I'm going to do something really stupid. Like start drinking for the first time. I don't drink because my sister + extended family have an extensive history of alcohol abuse. I don't know how hereditary side factors in but I don't even want to take the risk. Plus that is just another EXPENSIVE luxury that I cannot even afford.

 

I do know someone who is in the same position as you.

There was a guy here called AwsumGFX (not sure if his parents are still alive or not) but last summer he lost his best friend. He became extremely depressed and resorted to cutting and even almost committing suicide. He ended up having to go to classes to help deal with the depression and even a psychiatric hospital. He was put on medication to deal with the problems and in the end he ended up quitting school (for where he was becoming a chef) and turned to Graphic Design.

At the moment he currently rents accommodation with his girlfriend and he has a son.

The best advice that I can give to you is look into therapist or counselling where you can explain your problems to people facing the same problems or even just a person who can explain the best way to cope with your problems. You might feel a bit sad in the beginning but eventually you will become a happier person in the long run.

Although I did state above to look into counselling what I meant by that is see if there are free classes out there. I wouldn't go for medication or pay for classes like these unless you enjoy them. If they aren't free try looking and searching for 'counselling taster sessions' to see if you would enjoy going for it.

The only last piece of advice I could give you is to turn to something enjoyable. If you like WoW then play it. I would suggest trying to work in real life to get some money in a position where you'd enjoy working and then once all your Sythe debt is paid off, just start a service thread or something of that nature (like an online company).

 

Tbh, your situation sounds a little like mine except your older and one of your biggest family members has died. I'm a 15 year old kid, divorced parents, my dad has a gf and I absolutely hate her for reasons I don't want to get into right now. You also said you bury your head in video games, which is something I do too, and it can be good sometimes but not if u are constantly playing. You said your Dad changed when your Mom died, so maybe try reconnecting with him? You really need someone to talk to and I stick by my first post when I say family can really help. Find someone in the family who is like a best friend to you or can be one and start talking to them. Maybe even you and your Dad can go out to the game, grab some lunch, or something that's just the two of you and have a nice chat. I am always having problems but sometimes just hopping into a game of Dota with my cuz, or anything can really cheer me up. It seems like your a ticking bomb and are trying to look for a way to stop that which is great but there is no such thing as ticking bomb defusing itself. You need another person to "cut the wires" and help you to defuse.

 

As Seraphic already said, try going to a professional and talk to them about it. I know in the Opening Post you say you dont have the money to get councelling and dont trust the medication, but its still the best thing to do. I have seen how much of a difference it can make, going to a professional or not going to a professional.

Something you can do, which is completely free, is to call 1‑800‑273‑TALK (8255) or use their Live Online Chat. Trained crisis workers are available to talk 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Your confidential and toll-free call goes to the nearest crisis center in the Lifeline national network. These centers provide crisis counseling and mental health referrals.
Source

Beside the above, as Sneaky Fish already said, if there is anyone you can talk to in real-life do it. A friend, girlfriend, family member, anyone. Dont be scared to open up to them, I am sure anyone that cares about you would rather know you are struggling and help then to you see get worse and worse.

 

Thanks Seraphic, I will look into these options. The business side is a good idea, with my current job I don't really have a lot of free time but I do try to spend my free time brainstorming ways to get out ahead of my debt. That's the hardest and most stressful part of it all. I just need to find a way to get solvent and I'll be okay I think.

You're extremely wise and intelligent beyond your years at that age. Wow. I wish I had that kind of wisdom when I was 15. Thanks for the advice, and I agree completely. I can relate to having a maternal figure that does not really encompass what a maternal figure should. I didn't grow up in an overly toxic environment thankfully, but I do think I came out of the environment fractured.

Interesting, did not know that about the livechat. That sounds perfect for me since I don't have the budget for anything else really. Thanks man

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And just in general to anyone else: I wouldn't say I'm depressed ONLY because of my current situation. I've been struggling with manic depression for at least 6 years. It manifested itself in College.

 

Haha thanks, I get a lot of my wisdom from my Mom. What an amazing lady! I hope you can find that shoulder to lean on in your life cuz trust me, it makes everything better.

EDIT: Might wanna come check out the discord and get a few laughs

 

Feeling a lot better today, but still really worried about my support system being in tatters.

One of the biggest problems I've found is people like my buddy and Lime are very rare. It takes a certain demeanor and understanding to get through to me it seems.

 

By certain demeanor and understanding, is it a problem on your end where you have a sort of "thick skin" and don't wanna let people in, or you feel that other people don't care about u enough or something to that effect? I'm glad to hear that your feeling better though

 

I think it's a bit of both. I think a thick skin has developed after being screwed over by certain people I've confided in over the years. They'll wait until I don't do something I like and then they'll throw that in my face and try to get me mad by doing that. So I am very careful of what I tell to people nowadays. That's why Sythe is actually pretty good for this. I can get unbiased and impartial feedback. Sadly a lot of people claim to have your best interests at heart but in reality that's only true if it benefits them in some way. If that makes sense.

 

That's the worst, but what can you say. Online friends can and sometimes will do things that can hurt you. That's the bad thing of being online. The good part is that we all have problems and are able to talk freely about it. I think though, that you may be a little tough on yourself and not let ANYONE in, which is a bad thing. At this point, I'm not sure what other advice I can give other than finding that one person you can confide in. Idk you that much but if u ever want to talk/ask me anything else feel free. I really hope it works out for you dude, and all the best.

 

Thanks man, you've helped A LOT.

 

Hey, man, I'm sorry to hear you're going through a rough patch in life. Dealing with death is difficult because many would say, psychologically, what you're going through is very normal in response to a death and time will heal the wounds.

One thing that really helps me when I get depressed is exercising to exhaustion. When you exercise, you'll release endorphins which is essentially a natural defense mechanism to depression. Taking long runs as well as doing cardio or even lifting weights while I'm in a bad state of mind has really helped.

Something else that has helped me while I've been depressed is just taking on more activities. Schedule what activities you'll want to do for the week (be it fishing, hiking, going out with friends/making new friends) and stick with it. When you're occupied, your mind doesn't have time to be depressed.

Lastly, get in the routine of a healthy sleep schedule and diet. A side effect of depression is the inability to fall asleep. If you're having this problem, don't resort to sleep medications as you can build up a dangerous tolerance to them. I would recommend a natural sleep hormone such as melatonin which is naturally secreted by the pineal gland in your brain. Studies have indicated that you cannot overdose on melatonin and your body cannot build a tolerance to it. Also, melatonin is extremely cheap and a bottle is only 5$ and it's enough to last your weeks. Eating a healthy breakfast, lunch, and dinner will also keep your body in its best shape to fight sadness.

I'm confident that you'll get over whatever you're going through even though it doesn't seem like it while you're in depression. I used to think depression was a joke and that it was "all in your head", however, I've had one bout of depression for around four months during my freshman year of college and I wouldn't wish it upon anyone. I thought it would never go away, but knock on wood, I haven't had a depressive episode since then for 4 years. It WILL get better.

Please PM me if you need to talk or ask for my discord. I don't use Skype. I'll always be there if you need an ear.

Edit: Forgot you're DNT and you can't PM me. Let me know your discord if you ever need to talk though.

 

Aye thank you buddy. Exercising is excellent advice. I always thought it was just a cookie-cutter response but it REALLY does help. I actually have aspirations to do the trek to Everest Base Camp either this summer or the next summer (Probably next summer, I don't have the money for it right now). So I've been training for that, and it's really really refreshing. I spend myself wanting to be outside more than I want to be stuck in side doing whatever. Have taken up hiking, kayaking, and paintballing recently. All very positive outlets. That's definitely where I'm meeting the lions share of people too. There's a generational gap where I work, not a lot of millennials where I'm working ( at least at my location).

 

Hey duke, sad to hear about the hardships your currently experiencing in life, I'm always here for you if ya need me. I may be reiterating what others have said, but I'd definitely try and rekindle your relationship with your father. We all go some day none of us know when that'll be, live every day like it's your last =]]