LIFE

this is going to be a huge rant... but honestly, nobody in real life really helps me, or understands my problems.

Im 26 years old, i have 2 daughters (aged 1, and almost 2 weeks old) I also have 2 step sons and I am married.
Life is miserable. It pretty much always has been. I have no goals, no aspirations, dont even really know what that word means lol but anyways.

I went to college, before i was with my wife, about... 4-5 years ago now. I ended up quitting when there was only 2 weeks left to the first year. My grades were pretty good. I actually enjoyed it. I am good with numbers and math, so accounting was fun to me. What had happened was i was depressed, i drank a whole quart of whiskey in about 5 minutes. While sitting in the hospital parking lot. I then took a bunch of pills. I tried to go into the road and make a vehicle hit me.. (this makes me feel disgusted in myself) I also told the security at the hospital that i had a knife... I then blacked out, and woke up sometime in the morning, my parents standing around me... it was the most disgusted ive ever felt in myself. I ended up staying in the mental health section of the hospital for 3 days. I got out, talked to a professor and he told me that i could take my time coming back, but i ended up never going.. I was too embarassed, worried my classmates would ask me where i was or what happened.

FAST FORWARD

Ive had a few different jobs since then. Nothing i really enjoyed. I had one job where i had the opportunity to use equipment such as loaders, mini excavators, etc. That job was not terrible.
Now, i have gotten my class 1 license and i drive tractor trailers, but its not something i really like. I do not like sitting there driving for hours, its boring. I just feel like im living a pointless life. Im going nowhere, im just living until the day i die. Its hard living like this, especially when i know that i could end all of the pain, but i also understand that the pain would be put onto others. Im just a real unhappy person and i dont know what to do about it. I want to find a career that I actually enjoy. I would love to either take an IT course, with the concentration of programming. Or finish my business admin course. I just dont know if either of those options are even possible now with kids and such. I wish i could make some sort of income off the internet or something, like if i could start a youtube channel, or start a dropshipping business. But i know how hard that is.

 

there are a lot of free online qualifications if you look around, you could do them during your free time and build yourself up to get a job you want. being a in a job you dont like is probably tough and having nothing to give you joy is worse. my only advice to you is find a hobby that you like, you need something to look forward to when you finish your job whether it be playing with your kids or some sport. join some social clubs in your area and look to make friends as ive heard many adults saying they stop having friends after college.

i hope i helped

 

Dont end your life man. The point of your life now is to live happy and create a nice living environment for your kids. Do what you want to do ofcourse you can still finish your study if you want

 

Go back to college? Ask family/government to help with funding.

Alternatively look at moving to a European country where this education is free/cheaper. Work a part time job to support your family and study on the side.

You are in a bad place, and the only way to get out of it is to work extremely hard. Don't give up, ever. There are people who depend on you, if you successfully go through this process then your children will live a good life, and won't have these problems when they are older.

You can do it and I believe in you. If you ever need to talk send me a DM.