It all started when our adventure-loving...adventurer, FailBoy, woke up in a fanstic pumpkin patch. It was the third time it had happened. Feeling barely puzzled, FailBoy punched a banana, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). In a blinding moment of misguided bravado, he realized that his beloved 36" Rubber Dildo was missing! Immediately he called his annoying neighbor, Whoreslut. FailBoy had known Whoreslut for (plus or minus) 1.2 billion years, the majority of which were striking ones. Whoreslut was unique. She was plucky though sometimes a little... clueless. FailBoy called her anyway, for the situation was urgent.
Whoreslut picked up to a very angry FailBoy. Whoreslut calmly assured him that most spotted wolf hamsters shudder before mating, yet Indonesian devil cats usually flamboyantly belch *after* mating. She had no idea what that meant; she was only concerned with distracting FailBoy. Why was Whoreslut trying to distract FailBoy? Because she had snuck out from FailBoy's with the 36" Rubber Dildo only six days prior. It was a striking little 36" Rubber Dildo... how could she resist?
It didn't take long before FailBoy got back to the subject at hand: his 36" Rubber Dildo. Whoreslut cringed. Relunctantly, Whoreslut invited him over, assuring him they'd find the 36" Rubber Dildo. FailBoy grabbed his refrigerator and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Whoreslut realized that she was in trouble. She had to find a place to hide the 36" Rubber Dildo and she had to do it fearlessly. She figured that if FailBoy took the nappy, busted-out hatchback, she had take at least five minutes before FailBoy would get there. But if he took the Giant Penis? Then Whoreslut would be really screwed.
Before she could come up with any reasonable ideas, Whoreslut was interrupted by four stupid Advice Dogs that were lured by her 36" Rubber Dildo. Whoreslut grimaced; 'Not again', she thought. Feeling frustrated, she randomly reached for her gerbil and deftly attacked every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the secret vineyard, squealing with discontent. She exhaled with relief. That's when she heard the Giant Penis rolling up. It was FailBoy.
----o0o----
As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at Egg Roll King to pick up a 12-pack of live hand grenades, so he knew he was running late. With a skillful leap, FailBoy was out of the Giant Penis and went sassily jaunting toward Whoreslut's front door. Meanwhile inside, Whoreslut was panicking. Not thinking, she tossed the 36" Rubber Dildo into a box of carrots and then slid the box behind her canoe. Whoreslut was stunned but at least the 36" Rubber Dildo was concealed. The doorbell rang.
'Come in,' Whoreslut indiscriminately purred. With a inept push, FailBoy opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some insensitive genocidal maniac in a neighborhood-terrorizing crotch rocket,' he lied. 'It's fine,' Whoreslut assured him. FailBoy took a seat RIGHT next to where Whoreslut had hidden the 36" Rubber Dildo. Whoreslut shuddered trying unsuccessfully to hide her nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' she blurted. But FailBoy was distracted. With fist clenched and teeth gnashed, Whoreslut noticed a insensitive look on FailBoy's face. FailBoy slowly opened his mouth to speak.
'...What's that smell?'
Whoreslut felt a stabbing pain in her ear when FailBoy asked this. In a moment of disbelief, she realized that she had hidden the 36" Rubber Dildo right by her oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A oafish look started to form on FailBoy's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's dull pencils from when she used to have pet albino cats. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. FailBoy nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Whoreslut could react, FailBoy carefully lunged toward the box and opened it. The 36" Rubber Dildo was plainly in view.
FailBoy stared at Whoreslut for what what must've been two hours. Heart filled with earnest fortitude, Whoreslut groped indiscriminately in FailBoy's direction, clearly desperate. FailBoy grabbed the 36" Rubber Dildo and bolted for the door. It was locked. Whoreslut let out a sassy chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, FailBoy,' she rebuked. Whoreslut always had been a little clueless, so FailBoy knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before Whoreslut did something crazy, like... start chucking carrots at her or something. As if it really mattered he gripped his 36" Rubber Dildo tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.
Whoreslut looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from FailBoy. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame five days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly she felt a tinge of concern for FailBoy. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. Whoreslut walked over to the window and looked down. FailBoy was gone.
----o0o----
Just yonder, FailBoy was struggling to make his way through the haunted thicket behind Whoreslut's place. FailBoy had severely hurt his taint during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral Advice Dogs suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the 36" Rubber Dildo. One by one they latched on to FailBoy. Already weakened from his injury, FailBoy yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of Advice Dogs running off with his 36" Rubber Dildo.
About two hours later, FailBoy awoke, his ear throbbing. It was dark and FailBoy did not know where he was. Deep in the broad bush, FailBoy was ridiculously lost. Giggling like schoolgirl, he remembered that his 36" Rubber Dildo was taken by the Advice Dogs. But at that point, he was just thankful for his life. That's when, to his horror, a huge Advice Dog emerged from the foxy forest. It was the alpha Advice Dog. FailBoy opened his mouth to scream but was cut short when the Advice Dog sunk its teeth into FailBoy's taint. With a faint groan, the life escaped from FailBoy's lungs, but not before he realized that he was a failure.
Less than eleven miles away, Whoreslut was entombed by anguish over the loss of the 36" Rubber Dildo. 'MY PRECIOUS!!' she cried, as she reached for a sharpened banana. With a hasty thrust, she buried it deeply into her love handle. As the room began to fade to black, she thought about FailBoy... wishing she had found the courage to tell him that she loved him. But she would die alone that day. All that remained was the 36" Rubber Dildo that had turned them against each other, ultimately causing their demise. And as the dew on melancholy sappling branches began to reflect the dawn's reddish glare, all that could be heard was the chilling cry of distant Advice Dogs, desecrating all things sacred to virtuous men, and perpetuating an evil that would reign for centuries to come. Our heroes would've lived unhappily ever after, but they were too busy being dead. So, no one lived forever after, the end. :'(
Whoreslut picked up to a very angry FailBoy. Whoreslut calmly assured him that most spotted wolf hamsters shudder before mating, yet Indonesian devil cats usually flamboyantly belch *after* mating. She had no idea what that meant; she was only concerned with distracting FailBoy. Why was Whoreslut trying to distract FailBoy? Because she had snuck out from FailBoy's with the 36" Rubber Dildo only six days prior. It was a striking little 36" Rubber Dildo... how could she resist?
It didn't take long before FailBoy got back to the subject at hand: his 36" Rubber Dildo. Whoreslut cringed. Relunctantly, Whoreslut invited him over, assuring him they'd find the 36" Rubber Dildo. FailBoy grabbed his refrigerator and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Whoreslut realized that she was in trouble. She had to find a place to hide the 36" Rubber Dildo and she had to do it fearlessly. She figured that if FailBoy took the nappy, busted-out hatchback, she had take at least five minutes before FailBoy would get there. But if he took the Giant Penis? Then Whoreslut would be really screwed.
Before she could come up with any reasonable ideas, Whoreslut was interrupted by four stupid Advice Dogs that were lured by her 36" Rubber Dildo. Whoreslut grimaced; 'Not again', she thought. Feeling frustrated, she randomly reached for her gerbil and deftly attacked every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the secret vineyard, squealing with discontent. She exhaled with relief. That's when she heard the Giant Penis rolling up. It was FailBoy.
----o0o----
As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at Egg Roll King to pick up a 12-pack of live hand grenades, so he knew he was running late. With a skillful leap, FailBoy was out of the Giant Penis and went sassily jaunting toward Whoreslut's front door. Meanwhile inside, Whoreslut was panicking. Not thinking, she tossed the 36" Rubber Dildo into a box of carrots and then slid the box behind her canoe. Whoreslut was stunned but at least the 36" Rubber Dildo was concealed. The doorbell rang.
'Come in,' Whoreslut indiscriminately purred. With a inept push, FailBoy opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some insensitive genocidal maniac in a neighborhood-terrorizing crotch rocket,' he lied. 'It's fine,' Whoreslut assured him. FailBoy took a seat RIGHT next to where Whoreslut had hidden the 36" Rubber Dildo. Whoreslut shuddered trying unsuccessfully to hide her nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' she blurted. But FailBoy was distracted. With fist clenched and teeth gnashed, Whoreslut noticed a insensitive look on FailBoy's face. FailBoy slowly opened his mouth to speak.
'...What's that smell?'
Whoreslut felt a stabbing pain in her ear when FailBoy asked this. In a moment of disbelief, she realized that she had hidden the 36" Rubber Dildo right by her oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A oafish look started to form on FailBoy's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's dull pencils from when she used to have pet albino cats. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. FailBoy nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Whoreslut could react, FailBoy carefully lunged toward the box and opened it. The 36" Rubber Dildo was plainly in view.
FailBoy stared at Whoreslut for what what must've been two hours. Heart filled with earnest fortitude, Whoreslut groped indiscriminately in FailBoy's direction, clearly desperate. FailBoy grabbed the 36" Rubber Dildo and bolted for the door. It was locked. Whoreslut let out a sassy chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, FailBoy,' she rebuked. Whoreslut always had been a little clueless, so FailBoy knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before Whoreslut did something crazy, like... start chucking carrots at her or something. As if it really mattered he gripped his 36" Rubber Dildo tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.
Whoreslut looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from FailBoy. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame five days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly she felt a tinge of concern for FailBoy. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. Whoreslut walked over to the window and looked down. FailBoy was gone.
----o0o----
Just yonder, FailBoy was struggling to make his way through the haunted thicket behind Whoreslut's place. FailBoy had severely hurt his taint during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral Advice Dogs suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the 36" Rubber Dildo. One by one they latched on to FailBoy. Already weakened from his injury, FailBoy yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of Advice Dogs running off with his 36" Rubber Dildo.
About two hours later, FailBoy awoke, his ear throbbing. It was dark and FailBoy did not know where he was. Deep in the broad bush, FailBoy was ridiculously lost. Giggling like schoolgirl, he remembered that his 36" Rubber Dildo was taken by the Advice Dogs. But at that point, he was just thankful for his life. That's when, to his horror, a huge Advice Dog emerged from the foxy forest. It was the alpha Advice Dog. FailBoy opened his mouth to scream but was cut short when the Advice Dog sunk its teeth into FailBoy's taint. With a faint groan, the life escaped from FailBoy's lungs, but not before he realized that he was a failure.
Less than eleven miles away, Whoreslut was entombed by anguish over the loss of the 36" Rubber Dildo. 'MY PRECIOUS!!' she cried, as she reached for a sharpened banana. With a hasty thrust, she buried it deeply into her love handle. As the room began to fade to black, she thought about FailBoy... wishing she had found the courage to tell him that she loved him. But she would die alone that day. All that remained was the 36" Rubber Dildo that had turned them against each other, ultimately causing their demise. And as the dew on melancholy sappling branches began to reflect the dawn's reddish glare, all that could be heard was the chilling cry of distant Advice Dogs, desecrating all things sacred to virtuous men, and perpetuating an evil that would reign for centuries to come. Our heroes would've lived unhappily ever after, but they were too busy being dead. So, no one lived forever after, the end. :'(
.
