English Final Exam Essay (need proofread/feedback)

david493 · May 2, 2011

I found myself in that old familiar situation, again. I was waiting outside the mall with my fell art aficionados waiting for the latest wave of Armani Exchange clothes imported from Europe. The legendary guitarist Jonathan Gallant heavily advocated this new style of clothing called â€œFlipâ€ describing them as â€œthe clothes every urban hipster should wear.â€ Being a mindless consumer, I waited with my close friend, Nikolai, for the mall to open.
9am finally came around, and I soon found myself decked out in Flip clothes. My fashion satisfaction only cost me $1900 this time. As always my mother assuaged this worthless spending saying â€œI should save up for college.â€ As usual, I shrugged off my motherâ€™s advice and took my wheels out for a spin. I turned on the pinnacle of all punk rock in existence, Billy Talent, full blast and sped on to my girlfriendâ€™s apartment, so she could see my newly acquired attire.
Thereâ€™s something about Ben Kowalewiczâ€™s voice, I donâ€™t know if itâ€™s the style of his singing or the lyrics he sings, but I find his music so endearing. Ben is my obvious idol, whom I listen to nearly every second of every day. Thatâ€™s when I heard him for the millionth time vocalize the most important set of lyrics Iâ€™ve ever heard: â€œThrow all your luxuries aside, you cant take â€˜em with ya when you die.â€ From this song brought on an epiphany, how I donâ€™t need all of these aesthetic, material objects to claim my happiness. I realized how much of an arrogant, self-entitled, materialistic child I was. This wasnâ€™t the first time Ben Kowalewicz has inspired drastic changes, but it was the most life changing. Iâ€™m not waiting in line with Nikolai this month for the next wave of Flip clothes, but instead I am focusing on what matters.
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This is honors 10th grade level. I appreciate any initial feedback. I am not seeking major changes but I am open to suggestions.

Confuzzled77 · May 4, 2011

I'm on my phone, so I don't feel like typing a lot. There are a few grammatical errors, commas before some quotes mainly, and that first sentence just doesn't sound right, but it's fine. The only real problem is when, in quotes, you say something about saving for college. You need to change the I to "you"

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English Final Exam Essay (need proofread/feedback)

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English Final Exam Essay (need proofread/feedback)

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