Girl shit, again

[kill dank]

Background info:

So my girlfriend and I have been together for almost 3 years now and we spend every day together as well as sleep together all weekend. We go to the same college and stuff, but we're not together when we're each in our own classes. We've hung out literally every day for the last 3 years, with a few small exceptions.



Problem:
She says we spend too much time together. I agree but have trust issues.
Says she needs alone time. I can understand, but she never tries to be alone.


The rant::

Every time I have given her alone time, she does shit she knows I don't approve of or want her doing. Specifically regarding the people she chooses to hang out with. I can talk about so much shit but I'll try to only do some small ones.

The most recent time, before school started, she had expressed that she needed some alone time to me at about 12am when I was over at her house. I figured it was too late so I just stayed the night anyway. Normally she will sleep until like 2pm whenever I'm around. So the following morning, I woke up at about 10 AM before she did in order to give her some alone time in the morning when she wakes up. I didn't tell her I was leaving, I just left and went home (like 5 minutes away.) About 10 minutes after leaving I get a call from her saying she's awake. I ask what she's doing and she tells me she's going to go get gas. In my mind I'm thinking "why the hell would she just get up 5 hours earlier than usual and feel the need to go get gas??"
Then, after getting off the phone, she texts me and tells me she's going to hang out with her friend Nick.

Nick is this guy who's a year older than her and "gay". They fucked like 4 years ago "before" he was gay but I still have a hard time thinking he's gay considering how many girls he's fucked that I know personally. He pops pills and shit all the time and that's pretty much the only drug usage I'm against. Every time they hang out she starts acting bipolar and I have to deal with getting treated like shit. I basically see him as a bad influence. They try to hang out behind my back and have done so numerous times. They've known each other longer than I've known her and had some (apparently) pretty close times during sophmore year of HIGHSCHOOL. We're both in college now.

Now, she knows how I feel about him(and he's the only one of her friends I have a problem with), but this just goes to show that as soon as she has 5 minutes alone, she can't help but do the one specific thing I have a problem with.

ANYWAY, we argue on the phone for like 10 minutes and she goes to see him anyway.

After basically compromising with her the last time this shit happened, I told her we would both chill with him together to give us both a chance to clear the air so that maybe I could be cool with him again and wouldn't have a problem with him, just so she wouldn't hang out with him there.

I have been pestered almost every weekend for the last 3 months to hang out with this guy. I simply don't want to have anything to do with him and I don't want her to either.

NOW, she's back on her "I need some alone time" and "we need time apart" shit.
She wants me to spend time doing my own thing while she does hers. The only problem is that I don't trust her as much as I should considering how long we've been together. This stems almost 100% from the way I get treated on a regular basis. Bottom line, our relationship is falling apart and I see it, therefore it makes it harder for me to trust her knowing she isn't fully committed.

Today was the first day we've been apart for more than a few hours and I went home after she said she wanted me to.

I'm scared she's going to try and hang out with Nick sometime this week and put me in a bad position.These conversations typically go like:

meg: Uhm, I think I might go hang out with Nick for a little bit. ---- Basically telling me what she plans on doing rather than asking so if I say no, then I look controlling.

me: I'm not really comfortable with that. ---- For some reason it never matters how I feel and she already has her mind set on it.


meg: well I wanna do my own thing

me: well I want you to respect my feelings and that I'm not comfortable with it. (a million and a half reasons why I feel this way)

meg: ((((some bullshit reasons that don't back up anything and end with her giving one word answers to me and only giving those out if I end my statement with a question. Basically being a passive aggressive bitch because in the end she always just says)))) "yeah well I'll text you when I'm there"

me: (feel like shit because no matter what I say, she has her mind set and takes nothing I say into consideration)



I mean, it's not like I'm telling her she can't hang out with anybody, just this one person because of what has happened and keeps happening..(though would probably be equally displeased if she were trying to hang out with some other guy I've never heard of.)




Okay so I don't even know what question to ask.. Thoughts on this situation? type anything you want.
I will elaborate on anything if you ask and sorry this is so damn messy, I'm just typing as I think.

 

[Listen to Young Money]

I will edit this later, but wasn't this same exact thread already made before?

 

[kill dank]

To an extent.. Everything kind of blurs together for me. This is a typical disagreement so I wouldn't doubt it.

 

[Meeder1]

You said you would elaborate on things, and I feel like its something that should be asked.

Does she do drugs with the guy? By drugs I mean the kinds you don't approve of. As stupid as it sounds, it would just add to the number of reasons she would want to hangout with the guy, and something for them to bond over.

Would it really be that bad of an idea to sit down with her, and have a dead serious conversation, asking about rather she has feeling for/or is sexually involved with the guy at all? Or why she specifically hands out with someone your don't like her being with( Cuz its my thing is not a valid reason). I understand that could be hard to think about considering its been a long relationship. A second possibility to this is doing the same thing, but with the guy she's been hanging out with. From the OP it sounded more like you had problems with him, not vice versa.

It sounds like something that your going to have to sit down, and talk through.

As far as the original 2 problems, trust issues is something your going to have to work out; and the only way I can think of doing that I've already said. You have to sit down with her, or the guy, possibly even both, and have a serious conversation about whats going on. As far as the 2nd problem, it sounds like when she wants "alone" time, she just needs to get away from you a bit. Which if you ask me is completely understandable, given the amount of time you said you two spend together. With that much time being spent together, your lucky you don't have a lot more problems than what you've mentioned.

Hope this helped, feel free to PM me with any possible questions, or whatever. If you quote this and i don't respond, you might have to pm me as some sort of notice.

 

[kill dank]

Yes, she did do drugs with him all the time. That's my main issue, but not the only one.

I do need to sit down with him but based on our previous interaction I feel that it would be a very hard thing to do.
She doesn't want to talk and when we do talk all she tries to do is link everything back to being my fault because she can't see that I do what I do because of what she does. Everything's a vicious circle with her it seems like.

 

[Sanctity]

You know even if it's just one guy you don't want her to hang out with it's still you asking her not to hang out with someone that has been her friend for a while. Your best option is probably talking to her, telling her how you feel, you should be more confident with where you guys stand. With as long as you guys have been together you should be able to trust her with anyone. If she does something wrong to you (cheat on you with the gay guy) then that should be your answer. You can also consider hanging out with them more together as a group.

You seem like you need to trust her more. I understand that you don't want her to do the drugs. Leave it at that though, because if you're trying to take one of her friends away it might become a choice between choosing you and her gay friend.

I agree with Meeder1, with as much time as you guys are spending together you're lucky you don't have more problems.

 

Have you considered breaking up?
From personal experience my friends and I have had the same relationships in an out, they always end up badly.
If she won't listen to you even though she knows it's hurting you, she isn't right for you. I would personally say break it off with her.

 

[kill dank]

I have definitely considered breaking up, but I'd rather try and fix things than just say "well there's too many problems and they're never gonna get better so I give up" That's what she's doing and I keep telling her it can be fixed and that she's not really thinking about the problems individually but as a whole, she just doesn't try.

It may come down to that, but I don't know what I'd do..

 

To be honest I think you should break up, she is being ignorant and no matter how much you try, she won't. You need 2 for a relationship, but all I see is you.

 

[kill dank]

It hurts to even think like that, but you're exactly right.. I don't feel like anythings working but I always see that shimmer of hope that maybe it will all work out.. =\

It really messes me up though

 

[Meeder1]

Yes, she did do drugs with him all the time. That's my main issue, but not the only one.

I do need to sit down with him but based on our previous interaction I feel that it would be a very hard thing to do.
She doesn't want to talk and when we do talk all she tries to do is link everything back to being my fault because she can't see that I do what I do because of what she does. Everything's a vicious circle with her it seems like.

If shes doing nasty, hard drugs, and you've tried to get her out of that but she refuses, its not someone you want to be involved with. Yes, you give a loved one an intervention, but if they deny the facts in front of them, that they are hurting their loved ones and themselves, you kick their ass out. As hard as it may be, you do it and life goes on.

Would it be hard to sit down with him because hes unreasonable? Because you are? Or because your not confident enough to do it? Whats the reason you think it will be hard. Relationships aren't easy, and for one thats lasted as long as it has, I would be prepared to put a lot of effort into trying to fix this if its what you want.

The way I'm seeing her viscous circle act is that you seem to be enabling her.

me: well I want you to respect my feelings and that I'm not comfortable with it. (a million and a half reasons why I feel this way)

me: I'm not really comfortable with that.

If it was me in those quotes, I wouldn't be so passive about it. Just like parenting calls for you being stern sometimes, relationships do to. If it sounds harsh, it might just be, but that might just be the things that gets her to listen. Telling her SHES making you feel like shit is going to have her thinking a lot more than "well I feel like shit".

If you've taken all these things into consideration, and you've really put effort into doing them (if you still want to save the relationship), and she still doesn't understand, then it's time to end it. Might as well start the recovery process now if you know its not going to get any better. You cant have a relationship where one weekend you spend all your time together, and then that Monday shes goes out with someone you disapprove her of being with. If she cared about you, she would care that you don't want her with this guy. Which she obviously doesn't thus far.

 

[Sanctity]

It can be fixed if he trusts her. He needs to let her hang out with who she wants to hang out with though.

The only time I would end it is if she's continuing to do drugs. If she's just hanging out with a guy you don't like, and that's the only problem, there is definitely a way to fix that. It involves you trusting her with a guy you don't like though.

 

Well, you know what I think, but I'll say it again so you can always see it.

Break up.

 

[dylanchisman]

Well I can actually sympathise with you on this one. I'm in a similar boat as you. My girlfriend hangs around with a guy who she says is 'gay' but i'm pretty much certain he isn't and we've been together about 4 years now. I know it sounds controlling and whatnot, but my girlfriend did some similar things to yours (sneaking behind my back to see him etc.) and I basically said to her, look... why do you feel the need to see him behind my back? If you feel you have to sneak behind my back to see him, then clearly you recognise that i'm not comfortable with it, and we've been together for years now and I love you, and I think you love me... I can't go on with all these lies and sneaking around so it's either him or me.

I know it sounds bad, but I couldn't cope with all the lies and deceit (which I always found out eventually). Anyway, she chose me

 

[kill dank]

We went through that part before where it was me or him. She picked me, but this was like 2 years ago and now she's trying to pull the same shit again. She can't let go of this bullshit highschool relationship.

 

[Sanctity]

I don't know if it's because you are all guys or what. Your girlfriends seem to be sneaking around because you won't let them do what they want. If they're cheating on you with the guy then you shouldn't be with them in the first place because they obviously don't love you. If she's not cheating then you shouldn't care who she hangs out with, and you should trust her. You shouldn't make your girlfriends choose between you and another dude.

 

[Slurpee]

i agree with shoopadoop. I had sort of the same problem as you, and this is how i fixed it.

Me: I dont like that you hang out with that pot smoker.
Jess: Well i like to hang with him, i dont smoke or anything
Me: i know your smoking i can smell it on you
Jess: They smoke when im around
Me: Well dont go over there, and if you dont respect my feelings then we are done.
Jess: Okay, i wont go over there anymore.

Basically i said respect me and my feelings and if you dont then were done. Dont take shit from her man, take charge and if she doesnt want to listen be done with her. She is not a good girlfriend if she doesnt respect you and your thoughts and feelings.

 

[kill dank]

I agree slurpee, but it's to the point where we've been through that more than once and it doesn't work. She's starting to think it's not worth it because god forbid she want to be with the person who's closest to her instead of bullshit acquaintances. My thing is, I'm always willing to compromise, she just doesn't try to compromise. It's either she gets what she wants or she's pissed off all day and takes it out on me.

 

[Slurpee]

I agree slurpee, but it's to the point where we've been through that more than once and it doesn't work. She's starting to think it's not worth it because god forbid she want to be with the person who's closest to her instead of bullshit acquaintances. My thing is, I'm always willing to compromise, she just doesn't try to compromise. It's either she gets what she wants or she's pissed off all day and takes it out on me.

Dump her. Dont drag out what is inevitable. To what your saying is she doesnt give two shits about you unless she gets what she wants. Thats your only answer at this point if you have done what everyone as told you to do. Its clear she might be using you for something. Sorry man, wish i had more to tell you and im the type of guy just like you, im willing to compromise to achieve equal goals for both partners, but she just doesnt care.

 

[ѳмеgд]

From my opinions and personal experience, I would say dump her. Break up. What good are girls doing drugs anyways?

I wish I could tell you the good news, but from what you're saying here, I can only summarize up a few words in my mind, which is breaking up with her. Just do it. I mean, if you do it, she might realize that all of a sudden, what she really needs is you, because according to my personal studies of psychology and lessons of AP Psychology, when somebody goes missing or gone wrong, another person will start to treasure the values or respect towards the person. And so when you break up with her, she's gonna realize all she ever needed was you, and she's gonna start to realize she's missing pieces in her life. If she feels that way, she's gonna come back to you, say she's sorry, and most likely, she won't do "it" again. If she does it again, you can just end it there.

The above reference would be like when Steve Jobs died, people start to realize his values and what an amazing feat he had actually accomplished to bring such a marvel to humanity.