A letter...to a girl...or myself...who knows.

If you want to read this, go ahead. Just needed to put it out there. It's long. That's what she said.


Dear Joseph,

As usual you are writing this letter in a state of passion—also as usual, sadly, it is a painful and negative passion—and on top of that you are feverish. And drunk. And high. Bad combination. Who cares though; let this be a sort of informal declaration of your feelings – a canvas on which to sketch and paint and splatter the utter, fucking death and decay within. Fuck girls. Fuck alina. But not really, because I like her so much it hurts. Who cares, though? I’m just a dumb, fucking boy who trapped himself in the same dumb, fucking situation. I promised myself this wouldn’t happen but whaddya know, big surprise – FUCK. I think it’s time to inform you (in case you forgot – unlikely) of the history between this Alina character and yourself. So this little bird (I’m only going to use this nickname once so as to not get myself too depressed to write) came into my life on a certain New Years – ironically the New Years that would push my mother OUT of my life. Haha. But that’s a different story. Anyway, so I hosted a New Years party that was pretty goddamn sick (you know it’s good when the damage hits the quadruple digits, hehe) though I barely enjoyed it. So I was hanging out in my sex soiled (not from me, obviously) bed when out pops a girl – cleary drunk out of her mind – who proceeds to start chatting with me. Much to my amusement, several other people came into the bed and got in on the all-EXCLUSIVE action. My first impression of the girl who has been tearing me apart inside over and over NOW, without even time to heal, by my own fucking mistakes and doings; the girl whos been treading on my heart like a fat chick on a treadmill without even knowing about it was WHAT A DRUNKEN, UGLY SLUT. Haha, I’d laugh were I not on the verge of crying. (You know, it’s too damn bad this impression changed – maybe life would be a bit easier now.) Anyway, I ignored the shit out of her and she kept talking the shit outa me (if that expression even makes any sense). The night passed through relatively uneventfully….besides the relentless slaughter of my house… and in the morning I said bye to that stupid, fucking bird (yeah, yeah, I used it again – whatever). Sources (oh look at me) told me she was perhaps slightly sexually attracted to yours truly, and wished to engage in scandolous, premarital relations that would have church members running for the hills, not to mention god. Haha, god, what a joke. Anyway, I didn’t really care. Two months or so pass. Yadadaya life sucks. Then one night I decided to spontaneously message her, I’ll always remember the first message I sent her – “how do you pronounce your last name?”Ahhh…..tears. Long story short, we got to talking and became close friends. Very close friends. Ahahahahaah, this fucking bitch. Whatever. Anyway, we talked 24/7 – and I mean 24/7 for 4 months. What a great friendship: I was loving it, I THINK she was loving it, and my feelings remained totally within the “friend zone” (fuck that word, by the way) and nothing changed. Stupid fucking skank. By the way, just to clear things up, all these insults arent really meant – it’s just a spasm of emotion that goes through me. Bitch. So soon she gets a boyfriend. That’s cool, I was happy for her and she seemed happy. For the sake of time I’m going to skip through all the stuff, but I think their relationship had quite a bit of drama, though it was certainly extremely fulfilling. Emphasis on filling. Hehe. So couple months in we go on a trip with friends. Cool, it’s fun. First night we get extremely wasted and end up making out.
----------THIS IS WHERE IT GETS FUCKING DEPRESSING-------------------------------------
I remember that first time I kissed her. Ahh…maybe it’s just my romantic side but I felt something shift in me. It was like all that time, I was held back like a horse fighting against the reins of his rider, struggling and struggling, and finally I managed to spit the bit out, and buck that fucking rider off my back. By the way, I feel badly for horses. So needless to say I fell for her. I fell for alina dyatlova, the drunken slut who popped in my bed and started annoying the shit out of me. – and I fell hard. Ahhh…finally got to say those words. Not really say, but write. Sadly not to anyone, and oh how I’d like to say, write, scream, cry, even fucking gesture those words to her. But I am cursed.
---------THIS IS WHERE IT GETS FUCKING INTERESTING-------
So this bothered me for a while. Maybe a month. Then I worked up the courage to tell her. Ahh, that day I told her. It was an interesting day….I don’t remember the weather but I don’t really care, frankly. Anyway I told her I liked her but restrained myself from saying all the things I wished I could have said. But I was content with that. Anyway, her response was that she used to like me before her boyfriend (I know,right, painful) but who knows, it may still be in the back of her mind (her words, not mine). So I became pretty fucking depressed all the time and I couldn’t get over her because of how bloody much we talked! Jesus, talking to a girl more than your damn family reinforces feelings like I wouldn’t have imagined. Heheeee. Well things kept going like that, till we slept over at our mutual friends house, and kissed for about 30 seconds and then cuddled and shit. Rather intimate in my mind (intimate, not sexual); but probably not hers. Then my feelings really took a turn for the INCREASE, hehe, and yeah, talking to her and going through the day became difficult. Until…..SHE BROKE UP WITH HER BOYFRIEND
------AND HERE’S WHERE IT GETS REALLY CRAZY-------
Oh boy, the emotional rollercoaster from here, lemme tell you…So I consoled her and stuff like a good friend, and then we went to a party. We both got drunk and had a pretty intense make out session for most of the night followed by certain other things, but not sex. Hehe. So…Then my feelings intensified further. Then the next day we hung out with people and the same thing happened – feelings intensified even FURTHER. Then, two weeks later, another hang out, --by ourselves-- and we had (in my opinion) such an intimate time…she even kissed me goodbye which melted my heart (what was left of it). Then we talk on the phone that night and she tells me that she likes me, but shes just gotten out of a relationship and is not going to commit, and shes going to hook up with other boys. The brutal blow it dealt me, I tell you, ahh jesus. I just wanted to hold her and kiss her and just breathe in what she is, but no, no, OTHER boys. Coolbeans. Fuck you alina. NO THANK YOU. Oh god, I’m going to start shedding tears here; ahhh the chaos of youth, you love it, you hate it.
----NOW HERES WHERE IT GETS FUCKIN WEIRD----
So now we’re at today. The whole talk was actually last night! Isnt it interesting how weve just summarized 8 months of my pathetic, unmanly life. And I just ruined things further. If I played my cards right I wouldn’t have put pressure on her; I would have just gone through my life and let her hook up with her boys and shit and let myself sit on the sidelines like the emo faggot I am and yeah…GOD DAMMIT I PLAY MY CARDS WRONG AND ITS KILLING ME.
So now I’m sick at home, depressed alone, drunk, high and shes drunk texting me, while telling me she likes me, yet saying theres a cute guy with her, and I’m pretty fucking sure theyre hooking up. I’m now sitting here, just texted her these words “I want to be the one kissing you right now, not someone else…”. WHY DID I SAY THAT. Time to go die.

“THE RESPONSE”
“Lol I’m not even hooking up anyone right now” (right now, hehe)
“Too crazy here”.

THE FUCKING BRUTAL NEUTRALITY OF IT ALL JUST TEARS ME APART. Either welcome me into your life and fall into my arms like I’ve wanted you to or SLAM ME THE FUCK DOWN.

Now to finish my little life outcry, I want to describe my feelings for her. She is amazing, to be sure; but even if I found someone more amazing I want to be with alina, not the other person; she is beautiful, to be sure, but even if I found someone more beautiful I would still want alina; she is my little bird, but even if I found someone who could be my magnificent bird, I would still want alina.

P.S. I said it again, I know.

P.P.S. Fuck you, Alina
P.P.P.S But not really


Yours truly,

Anonymous

 

This alina girl, she seem's to be trying to get you jealous. I think you should come clean face to face, and tell her your worth the commitment. If you get a negative response, she's not the right one bud.