Advice regarding gay friend

Discussion in 'Personal Support' started by frjqdqdqwd, Jun 30, 2019.

Advice regarding gay friend
  1. Unread #1 - Jun 30, 2019 at 7:19 PM
  2. frjqdqdqwd
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    Advice regarding gay friend

    I've got a friend who's my age who i've known for at-least a decade now, I've always found him to be a very reliable and smart guy and he was into the same stuff i was so naturally, we became friends.

    I went abroad for college and we kept in touch playing things like LoL over voice-chat so we always remained close, he even came to visit me twice while studying abroad in summer, fun times

    I had a girlfriend throughout college and right after graduation she left me for some other guy, i was heartbroken. A month later my dad gets too violent with the family and my mom tells him it's time to get a divorce. I let my friend know about these events and how i was having a hard time.

    Heartbroken, a little depressed and having just made some money with some investments. I decided that i'd use some of that money to rent an airbnb at the beach in my home country and try to relax and meditate. I had a nice entire place for myself so i told my buddy to reach. One night we came back really drunk from a nightclub and my friend thought i passed out on the bed or something but he basically tried to reach down my pants and grab my salchicha. Everything suddenly clicked as my friend had always had absolutely no game with girls.

    So I'm like 'wtf u doing.' and he burst into tears and told me he was bi. I consoled him and told him he should consider coming out.

    Feeling betrayed by love, family and friends, i felt like i couldn't trust him or really anyone for while, so i just focused mostly on my career and on meditating the personal and family issues i had at hand.
    This led me to push him a bit away for about two years. I ended up returning back to my home country after graduation. My friend found himself a job and moved cities and is now a 4 hours drive away so i see him around every two weeks.

    I felt like i had to talk about it with him again to set things clear because i still want us to be friends. About a month i had this talk with him while drunk at a party, i told him how much i valued our friendship and asked him about his sexual orientation.

    He arrogantly said that being bi was better than straight because he had more room of opportunity.

    Ever since, he is being again more and more affectionate and attentive towards me to the point it makes me uncomfortable (redirects group attention towards me, offers to pay for my things exclusively when in a group, and he is being more touchy too)

    Yesterday, like a group of 7-8 friends and I all decided to drop a tab of lsd and go out later in the night. One of my friends had invited a gay guy and his boyfriend to join the plan. These guys were extremely funny and got along with everyone just fine. One of the gay guys turned out to be the owner of a very expensive club and invited us and offered us basically unlimited alcohol and a nice table. We all thought it'd be jokes to go there while being high on acid and put everyone out of their comfort zones. So we did.

    I went there without any broads unfortunately so i got hit on a couple time, it was one of the weirdest experiences in my life lol. We constantly joked about the setting all night with my friends and my friend was acting weird and needy throughout the night but i thought it was just cause he was tripping on the drugs too much.

    We ultimately changed bars and called it a night, my friend ordered an Uber and dropped me off at my place and suggested we'd watch the new Toy Story movie the next day with his brother who is also a friend of mine by now, i was like "ok" and went to sleep, it was 5 am.

    My mom wakes me up the next day letting me know that my friend is on my moms couch saying we were going to the movie. It was only 11 am I was kinda left with no choice i wasn't even feeling well, had enough rest or any breakfast yet but he offered to pay for my breakfast. We went, and it was the kind of theatre where the seats are reclinable and kinda made to be shared by couples cause they are kind of joined together in sets of two. Of course my bud sits next to me and tries to pull some weird fucking moves again. I didn't say anything because this time they were not as forced but i can feel he's escalating again.

    I'm really starting to wonder what to do, I'll talk to him again about this probably next time i see him and point out the exact behavior that's making me uncomfortable.

    What to do Sythe? I value this guy's friendship a lot and he constantly provides me with good advice. However, i don't know if this guy might have a crush on me and is someone that i need to push away again for while and give him some space, maybe even stop communication all-together.
     
  3. Unread #2 - Jul 1, 2019 at 3:17 AM
  4. Hex
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    Advice regarding gay friend

    If hes truly your friend he will respect honesty. If he keeps doing it after you’ve told him you are not interested is he really a friend of yours? Might wanna second guess it then
     
  5. Unread #3 - Jul 1, 2019 at 4:46 AM
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    Advice regarding gay friend

    If the guy is being persistent then you simply cut off, because from what I read you can't be straight forward to him enough and are too nice to him. Seems like you're giving him the opportunity to direct your decisions which might lead him to believe that you might be liking him secretly.

    If you want to keep him as your friend you need to be firm in your decisions, and of course be straight forward. I'm not really sure what else I could advise you. Good luck with your gay adventures.
     
  7. Unread #4 - Jul 1, 2019 at 4:49 AM
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    Advice regarding gay friend

    Hi there, I also had someone come out not too long ago to me that he was "bisexual", and I was like fair enough thank you for coming out to me.

    The problem is by the sounds of it in this case, although you accepting that he likes both types of sexual preferences, he isn't 100% accepting it himself unless he can seemingly have it with you. Where you are "close friends" if you will, he feels somewhat safeguarded by your presence and for which want's to continue this train of feelings even if it means being somewhat attracted/trying to attract to you.

    I will assume you have said to him when you're not under the influence of something that you are not interested or do not see him in that way if you was two of the same type (both gay/bisexual). If he knows he is making you feel uncomfortable it may be that he is trying to build confidence in himself to make a bigger picture of it, but at the expense of your friendship without understanding the extent of which he is doing, and at the same time with the whole boyfriend thing as another scenario could be trying to make you jealous without possibly understanding you're not.

    I would highly suggest as you said yourself, speak with him and explain to him despite you are happy with him for coming out to you and so on it isn't your "thing" you're into. It honestly just sounds like the language barrier isn't there, as you are intoxicated each time the encounter happens.
     
  9. Unread #5 - Jul 6, 2019 at 5:13 PM
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    Advice regarding gay friend

    For me, I personally don't think that pushing him away would be the best course of action. Since you and your friend have that level of friendship that most people do not, I feel that simply talking it out would be best. But not any regular talk, i'd want for you to start off by actually saying how much you value him as a person and the friendship between the both of you. By doing this you will help your friend remember or possibly even realize that there is more for him to lose than just a "partner" in his eyes.

    I feel that once you help him realize this, you can break it down on how his actions don't make you feel comfortable and you just want to be friend's. This will most likely break his heart though, considering he came out to you, and as such you'll have to do some damage control. From my experience, when my friend came out to me, I made it a point to keep communication as a high priority. Because I knew that he felt betrayed that I didn't share the same feelings as him when I said that I was straight.

    What I also did was make it a point every once in a while to just go out as friends and just be... normal quite honestly. He was hurt at first, but he actually came around and grew to respect how I didn't treat him any differently than anyone else and I feel that would be a good thing for you to do. I feel that as long as you respect where he is coming from and show understanding as well as firmness on your own stance, your friend will come to understand and in the end actually respect you for it. It worked for me, I surely hope that it does work for you. :p
     
  11. Unread #6 - Jul 8, 2019 at 1:02 PM
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    Advice regarding gay friend

    If you value his friendship then work through it, in the future I am sure you will both Joie about that moment... Lol
     
  13. Unread #7 - Jul 10, 2019 at 1:24 AM
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    Advice regarding gay friend

    Any relationship that makes you uncomfortable is not worth having. Although a chat would solve any problems just tell him your not into guys he should respect that. I mean you can always prospect guys for him size them up ya know the friendship stuff. Just anything you do with your friends do it out of love and it will work out.
     
  15. Unread #8 - Jul 11, 2019 at 10:09 AM
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    Advice regarding gay friend

    It is hard, but the lines should be made clear once again when SOBER - Not drunk.

    Make sure you talk when sober, so that excuses / removing responsibility of actions cannot be blamed on alcohol.

    You need to make clear you will be here for him as FRIENDS, but if he continues to pursue a sexual agenda, it will ruin the friendship and you will have to cut him off.
     
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