Chuck Norris tried to round-house kick me in the face once, but he’s really old, so I moved out of the way and he fell to the ground and just kind of laid there. Chuck Norris has yet to find the G-spot. Scientists find it perplexing that Chuck Norris doesn't know his way around his vagina. Chuck Norris was born Chuck Stevens but took his wife's name when they were married. Chuck Norris once had sex with a man, not because he was gay, but because he had run out of women. When he let the man cum in his mouth, that was because he was gay. Chuck Norris always insists that he's joking when he sniggers in his camp voice, "I'm going outside to have a fag, and then I'm going to have a cigarette." But we all know he's not joking. It is no happy coincidence that Chuck Norris and LaToya Jackson have never appeared in public together. Richard Simmons once told Chuck Norris to quit acting like such a fag. When asked what his favorite movie was, Chuck Norris replied, “The Notebook. No, no, no, wait I’m just kidding! It's Garden State.†When Chuck Norris jumps in a pond, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet, the water gets soiled. If you say "Chuck Norris" into a mirror ten times on Friday the 13th, Chuck Norris will show up behind you with an axe. Then he'll try to sell you the axe to support his various substance addictions. Chuck Norris's favorite Mario Kart character is Princess Peach. Princess Peach's favorite "Walker, Texas Ranger" character is Jimmy Trivette. Although Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick is extremely effective, he has two right feet and can therefore only use it if his enemy is on his right. Stand on his left and Chuck Norris is as dangerous as Barney the Dinosaur's yellow friend. Chuck Norris has to employ a legion of Mexican landscapers to suppress the wilderness that is his back. In preparation for his future role as a gay cowboy, a young Jake Gyllenhaal spent a year as Chuck Norris' understudy on the set of "Walker, Texas Ranger." Chuck Norris was the studio's original choice to play the lead role in the movie, "Boys Don't Cry." Hilary Swank replaced him because test audiences found him to be gayer than 9 guys blowing 8 guys. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, you may not realize how much he's actually aged. Chuck Norris attempted to count to infinity. Backwards. He didn't know where to start. Chuck Norris is currently suing ABC, claiming Hope & Faith are trademarked names for his left and right breasts. Chuck Norris' mom was in labor for three more days following his birth: one for his ego, one for his intelligence, and one for his talent. The latter two were stillborns from lack of oxygen. Only Chuck Norris' ego survived. Michael J. Fox didn't have the heart to tell Chuck Norris that his acting in "Walker, Texas Ranger" was forgettable, so he just told the world that he had Parkinson's. Chuck Norris has no friends on MySpace. Not even Tom. Chuck Norris once fought Vin Diesel...and got absolutely fucked up. Chuck Norris goes to bars and slips roofies into his own dirty martinis in hopes of getting picked up. As a child, Chuck Norris was often caught spooning with other ginger kids during nap time. When they asked Chuck Norris to be in Brokeback Mountain 2 he simply said "How many sex scenes?" Chuck Norris' farts are silent and deadly. Deadly because of their potency, silent because his butthole is extremely loose. When Chuck Norris uses Verizon Wireless, you can't hear him now. Chuck Norris once burned his lips on the tailpipe of a car while trying to blow it up for a movie. Chuck Norris folds pocket aces pre-flop. Chuck Norris is the only person whom the Axe Effect Deodorant Spray will not work on. Chuck Norris bet on Poland in both World Wars. A shepherd once accidentally spilled his coffee on Chuck Norris' lap and refused to apologize. Chuck Norris went to the man's field and fucked every one of his sheep. Chuck Norris wasn't trying to get back at him; he just loves to fuck sheep. If you yell "Chuck Norris" into the Grand Canyon, it echoes back "is a pussy." Chuck Norris will fight you any time of the day. Except when "The View" is on. When the boogie man goes to sleep, he looks in his closet for Chuck Norris. Chuck's ass is still sore from the last time he was found. During World War II Chuck Norris once tried killing a Nazi soldier by pointing his finger at him and yelling "Bang!" Many stuntmen who have worked with Chuck Norris complain on set that Chuck Norris makes far too many so-called jokes about "exchanging blows." Chuck Norris doesn't go hunting because hunting implies that you might kill something. Chuck Norris goes bird watching. Chuck Norris came up with the idea for his look after many years studying the Brawny paper towel man. Chuck Norris has 2 speeds. Hard and harder. He uses these when making love to other men. The leading causes of death in the United States are heart disease, cancer, and AIDS. Chuck Norris has all three. Chuck Norris doesn’t go hunting. He goes fly fishing in a wading pool wearing a Tilley hat. Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck to ballet practice. Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. He runs inside to his quilt at the first sign of a chill. Call 1-900-CHUCK-NORRIS for hot gay action and support a bankrupt has-been. If Chuck Norris were gay, his name would be... oh wait. Chuck Norris was once trapped in a paper bag for 3 days. When Chuck Norris and Christy Brinkley make Total Gym commercials, Christy uses a higher setting. And spots him. During his first night at college, Chuck Norris drank a beer and puked all over himself. Thus, the phrase "chucking" was born. Chuck Norris proves that everything isn't "bigger in Texas." Ray Charles once looked at Chuck Norris... and decided he'd rather never see again. Chuck Norris and Michael Jackson have been known to recreate the hand-to-hand combat scenes in Star Wars using their penises as lightsabers. Chuck Norris thinks that hot rod races are circle jerks. Accordingly, he shows up in drag. Freddy Mercury wrote "Fat Bottomed Girls" after a passionate night with Chuck Norris. The National Weather Service once mistakenly issued a Volcano Warning in response to Chuck Norris flushing his toilet. Chuck Norris likes to get a good night's sleep... with as many men as possible. Chuck Norris loves hemorrhoids. He calls them "speed bumps." When Chuck Norris gets angry, he finds a revolving door and attempts to slam it shut. Inevitably, the door swings around and kicks his ass. Chuck Norris once decided to donate sperm, but Heath Ledger refused to take it. Chuck Norris once lost to Lance Armstrong in a sperm count. Chuck Norris’ farts smell like Vaseline. Chuck Norris has never ridden a bull as hard as he has ridden a cock. Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris learned the roundhouse kick not from Bruce Lee, but by jumping up and twirling around in vain, attempting to unwedge his panties from his ass. Chuck Norris punctuates all his roundhouse kicks with a period. The bloody kind. Chuck Norris thinks Hooters is an exclusive hangout for people with huge pick-up trucks. There are indeed horses hung like Chuck Norris. These horses die alone. Chuck Norris' back is so hairy that even Persian women are turned off. But the men love it. Chuck Norris' burps smell like semen. Chuck Norris once tried to get with Reese Witherspoon. She considered him "Legally Small Penised." Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked a midget and it burst into 25 gold coins. Chuck Norris was pissed off because you can't have sex with 25 gold coins. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain. Too bad his penchant for $800 platinum cock rings prevents him from being able to afford to pay the tariffs. In Pacman, Chuck Norris does not lose lives; they simply go on coffee breaks. Chuck Norris really DOES know the meaning of "Just Say No," because he just says no all the time... to women. Chuck Norris cries himself to sleep every night, then wakes up to the sounds of his own cries. Chuck Norris once took a spoon to the Super Bowl. One time, while watching gay porn, Chuck Norris swallowed his remote control because he thought it would feel good on the way out. Chuck Norris was disowned by his father when it was discovered Chuck Norris could do the splits before learning to walk. As a teen, Chuck Norris impregnated every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later, the nuns gave birth to the 1976 Buccaneers, the worst team in NFL history, finishing their season 0-14 and losing by an average of 20 points per game. They were also shut out five times that season. If Chuck Norris has fucked every woman in the world, then he has done his own mom. A 7-year-old blind boy once found Waldo before Chuck Norris. Jesus wilfully crucified himself because he had insider information that Chuck Norris was going to be around in the future. Jesus did this not in fear of Chuck Norris himself, but in fear of Chuck Norris' acting. Chuck Norris started the "Chuck Norris Facts" in hopes of finding a new love. Upon finding out the majority of fans using the facts were guys, Chuck Norris wept with joy. Chuck Norris starred in "Firewalker," a film in which he does not walk on fire. After a night of passionate love with Tony Danza, Chuck Norris took the morning after pill, fearing an unwanted pregnancy. Chuck Norris is the only person with no matches on eHarmony.com. Chuck Norris stayed in high school for 7 years until someone finally signed his yearbook. Chuck Norris' recites a line from The Notebook as his finishing move in a scrapped version of Mortal Kombat. Chuck Norris is the only man who can enter a strip club with $100 and leave with $200. Chuck Norris' milkshake brings all the boys to the yard. Chuck Norris always wears knee pads. When asked if they were for stunt purposes, Chuck Norris replied: "Sure". On January 12, 1995 Chuck Norris shaved his beard. On January 13, 1995 Chuck Norris filed a missing person claim on himself. Chuck Norris gives better rim-jobs than West Coast Customs. Chuck Norris would go straight if he could fuck Rosie O'Donnell. Too bad she is holding out to go straight for Tom Cruise, who is holding out to go gay for Heath Ledger. Chuck Norris tried to copyright the copyright symbol. It was the first time the employees at the United States Patent and Trademark Office have ever laughed. Chuck Norris fears the Care Bears; especially No Heart. On Facebook, Chuck Norris has no pictures tagged by others. During the initial filming of Dodgeball, Chuck Norris gave a thumbs down to continuing the match because he's a big fan of the Purple Cobra. There are now over 100 official sex manoeuvres popular in the gay community known simply as "The Chuck Norris 1, 2, 3, etc." Chuck Norris lives on an island surrounded by a sea of his own tears. Chuck Norris, on the set of Sidekicks, asked Jonathan Brandis to tone down his acting skills so that Chuck Norris wouldn't look so bad. Chuck Norris made the request in third person in an attempt to trick Jonathan Brandis into thinking the request was not at the behest of Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris always pours his beer into a glass before drinking it. He giggles like a schoolboy when the glass produces head, then slurps it down like a fag. Chuck Norris' DNA is made up of four leaf clovers, unicorns, and smiles. Chuck Norris always buys the Double Gulp at 7-11 even though he knows he can't finish it. Chuck Norris once lost a fight to a paraplegic because "His chi was too strong." Chuck Norris is from Texas. Only steers and queers come from Texas. Chuck Norris has no horns. Chuck Norris is an avid reader. He proudly owns all first edition copies of "The Babysitters Club." Chuck Norris quit his job working on Sesame Street after just 4 hours, claiming he was tired of "the intimidation, harassment and bullying." Chuck Norris once sent himself flowers on Valentine's Day to trick people into thinking he had a girlfriend. Too bad he signed the card, "From Chuck Norris." Chuck Norris manages a Baskin Robbins franchise. It only has access to 23 flavors. Chuck Norris cuts the roof of his mouth when he eats Cap'n Crunch. Chuck Norris once got an erection. Nobody noticed. Chuck Norris gets carded for PG-13 movies, including his own. Chuck Norris was once spit on by a camel. Chuck Norris then broke out in anger, singing "My Humps" at the top of his lungs to regain his dignity. Chuck Norris fears the Mach 4 razor. He wishes it had softer and fewer blades. Chuck Norris masturbates furiously in a corner whenever he sees a Bowflex commercial. Chuck Norris puts forth so much effort during a Total Gym demonstration that he actually shits his pants. Depends has been trying to get him to endorse their adult diapers for years. Chuck Norris' real name is Daniel Goldberg. He is ashamed of his Jewish heritage. Chuck Norris eats dirt because he thinks it is feces. He then takes a sip of gasoline and spits it out, complaining that it doesn't taste enough like urine. Chuck Norris was once arrested in a small Midwestern town for public indecency. During his four-hour stay in the local jail, he was made the bitch to a pre-op transsexual named Phil. Chuck Norris changed his name to Chuck in 1972 because he was in fact the Charlie they were searching for in 'Nam. The best part of waking up for Chuck Norris is cock in his cup. Chuck Norris looked in the mirror. When he saw how gay he looked, he roundhouse kicked himself in the face. Chuck Norris once tried to eat a 72 oz steak in an hour, but filled up on a house salad then threw up. Chuck Norris gives all his friends back, sack and crack waxes. But he is very gentle with them. Chuck Norris is proud of the facts that his pubes are longer and girthier than his penis. Chuck Norris only started taking Karate lessons because his friends made fun of the fact that he went to Yoga classes on Tuesday and Thursday. Chuck Norris spilled his milk when he was 30. He still cries over it. Chuck Norris fears no man! Only women. "Brokeback Mountain" is based loosely on the events of Chuck Norris' life. Chuck Norris was seen running out of Jenny Craig crying because his strict diet of Tony Danza's spunk didn't work. Chuck Norris gave a thumbs up on "Dodgeball" because he thought William Shatner was asking him out. Chuck Norris has a summer home on "Brokeback Mountain." Chuck Norris adopted a young black child so he could test out his racist jokes first. Chuck Norris doesn't like fat chicks. He loves them. Chuck Norris wears Strawberry Shortcake pyjamas. Who would win a race between Superman, The Flash and Chuck Norris? No one, Chuck Norris is too busy jerking them off. Chuck Norris sits down to pee. Chuck Norris uses live rattlesnakes as condoms. Tiny, baby rattlesnakes. Chuck Norris has to wear a helmet to every meal, not because he is special, but because Christie Brinkley loses her temper when the airplane is not allowed to land. Chuck Norris once ordered a Big Mac from Burger King, and got one, because no one wanted to hear him pout about it again. On the set of the movie Sidekicks, Chuck Norris and Joe Piscopo had a real fight. The loser was declared to be humanity because they both lived. Chuck Norris puts dye in his beard because he is afraid of grey hairs. Chuck Norris won't suck one, but he will hold it in his mouth until it goes soft. Chuck Norris lights mini-scented candles around the tub when he takes a bath. Chuck Norris checks his closet for Michael Jackson before he goes to bed. He is disappointed when he doesn't find him. For Chuck Norris, the roundhouse kick is not a signature move; it's just the closest he can come to his high school cheerleading days, which he misses sorely. Chuck Norris paid for a beer in a dirty glass with money out of his coin purse. Chuck Norris once backed out of Celebrity Boxing, fearing the wrath of Gary Coleman. Chuck Norris found this page and said, "Shit! I guess my unfounded and unearned popularity is over." He spent the next four hours lying face down on his silk duvet cover crying into a down pillow. Anything less wouldn't have provided enough comfort. Chuck Norris caused Hurricane Katrina and encouraged George W. Bush to let Michael Brown handle it. Chuck Norris was approached by Mattel to market his controversial Homo Kung Fu Doll. However, the test market in San Francisco found it too gay and went with the Ru Paul Line instead. They kept the Kung Fu grip. Chuck Norris once was at the theater watching Crossroads, when someone spotted him sending the following text message to someone: "Count me in on the gay clown orgy." Chuck Norris has the ultimate World of Warcraft character! But he joins parties and leaves halfway through and always causes guild drama. Chuck Norris was once invited back to his high school to speak at a graduation. Upon his arrival, Screech, Slater, Kelly, Lisa, and Jesse said, "That's not Zack Morris, that's Chuck Norris!" Mr. Belding broke the bad news to the class that Zack would not be attending the graduation, then delivered a roundhouse kick to Chuck Norris and sent him to detention. Chuck Norris didn't go to college, but his mom did! Chuck Norris' ejaculatory fluid is composed of 100% Noxema skin cream. Chuck Norris' vagina is so wide that his thighs don't touch even when his legs are crossed. Chuck Norris scored an 8 on the “Are you a good boyfriend†quiz in Cosmo. Chuck Norris is seen at the pet store weekly buying gerbils. Chuck Norris orders the “side salad with low-fat dressing†at a BBQ joint. Upon hitting puberty, Chuck Norris had a zit on his ass the size of a cantaloupe. Chuck Norris once got a splinter and was rushed immediately to the ER, screaming “I’m too young to die!†the whole way. Chuck Norris’ favorite color is lavender. Chuck Norris’ inflamed prostate is the size of a watermelon, and produces really gross shit that has no use in any way in modern society. Chuck Norris once had an affair with Ralph Macchio on the set of The Karate Kid. Chuck Norris once shook my hand. It felt like I was holding on to 5 wet noodles of spaghetti. Chuck Norris uses 5 tampons a day. The heavy-duty kind. Chuck Norris once went into a bar and was heard saying, “I’ll have a Mike’s Hard Lemonade.†Chuck Norris does not sleep. He lies awake in regret. The chief export of Chuck Norris is diarrhea. Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the chance of success. Chuck Norris wanders around aimlessly with a gun. Chuck Norris' blood type is AK-47. It is compatible only with bullets. Chuck Norris is full of holes. Chuck Norris is 1/8th Grand Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry; the man drives a fucking Jeep. The Chuck Norris food pyramid consists of sperm and Haagen Dazs. When Chuck Norris sings karaoke, it's always Jewel. And you can bet your ass that you won't see him looking at the monitor for the words. And on the third day God said, "Let there be light." Because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark. Chuck Norris lost a fight to death with a paraplegic. He was given the first punch. Chuck Norris invented cornhole… but it wasn't a game played with beanbags. Chuck Norris refuses to fight in the Octagon; he will only step foot in the Decagon because there are more corners where he can cower in fear. Chuck Norris is hung like Snuffleupagus, and only Big Bird can see it. Chuck Norris wets his bed on a nightly basis because he likes the warm feeling. Chuck Norris watches the Olympics, but only for the pole vaulting competition, when he can be heard screaming "Plant that pole and unleash on the backside!!" at the top of his lungs. Chuck Norris' IQ test came back negative. Most people thought he'd score lower. Chuck Norris is such a man he once performed a roundhouse kick and reversed the rotational axis of the earth, pulling time and space into a single black hole, in which all Chuck Norris fans eagerly packed into in the hopes of going back in time to an earlier period when they actually had a chance of getting a girlfriend. Chuck Norris' beard is actually candy floss. The pretend tough guy cannot get enough and saves a little on his face for later. Chuck Norris jacks off to Pottery Barn. Chuck is going bald. When I told him Vaseline would grow hair back he said, "No way, if that were true I'd have a pony tail growing out of my ass by now." Chuck Norris once ate a 72 oz steak in an hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waiter. Chuck Norris' friends call him Bull. Not that the man's tough; he just fucks cows on the weekends. Listen up everyone. This website is fun and everything, but SERIOUSLY spay and neuter your pets! Chuck Norris has a serious beastiality problem and inter-species relationships never turn out pretty. Thank you. Chuck Norris holds the world record for the biggest gaping asshole. He achieved this by voluntarily checking himself into the Mississippi State Penitentiary and purposely dropping the soap in the shower. His ass saw more black dick than a KFC urinal. Guided tours into Chuck Norris' ass are now available for a nominal fee.
