So recently I have started cutting myself with a Gerber knife that I have. I am going to list this as a timeline in a way.
1st Time Cutting:
I wasn't really "depressed" I just wasn't happy and was pretty moody. I had heard about cutting and was curious whether or not it would actually relieve my bad mood. I told myself I would just try one cut. I lightly pressed the knife against my skin and pulled very softly. No cut... "Damn", I thought to myself. How hard do I have to push? I wasn't going to let myself down. I pressed again, harder this time, and pulls the knife across my skin faster than the time before. I saw the cut start to fill with blood. T'was a VERY small cut. I was too busy wondering how hard I must push the knife on my skin that I forgot to realize whether or not the cut actually made me feel better. Me being dumb, I decided to try another go. I ended up cutting myself about 5 times that night. All were VERY minor scratches and passed with my parents as a fence scrape. This was before school started, so my friends never saw or were aware of any of my actions. Only a few good friends were told of what I did. They did as any friend would do, comforted me and made things better.
2nd Time Cutting (Sept 17th at Home):
A few months after my first ever time, I had a full out mood swing. Everything in my life seemed to fall to pieces. I had remembered cutting and wondered whether or not it would have an affect on me if I am full out depressed as I was. I once again grabbed my knife, this time I had confidence in my cuts. After a few minutes and a few slices later, my arm was full of cuts. Still small, but significantly larger than my first ever cuts. The way I felt is undescribable. Was I in pain? Was I still depressed? Did it work? These are all questions I asked myself. I went to school the next morning with a slightly stinging arm. On the way to school a girl on my bus noticed the cuts as I was streching. I ignored her and pretended not to be listening. During 2nd period was when things started to change. I had not thought of what my friends would say.. During second period, Spanish, I was lying down on my desk and my "former" friend, Dante, who sits beside me asked what the cuts were about. I lied and simply said, "Oh, I was just being stupid while I was crying". My friend Carter also noticed the cuts, I told him a half truth. I told him that I cut myself because of a breakup. The third person who noticed my cuts in Spanish class was a girl who I have fancied for a while, Kaitlin. She noticed them and immediatly asked,"Is everything ok Andrew?" I couldn't lie to her, I just, COULDN'T. I told her that I was depressed the night prior and just took a knife to my flesh. She asked a question that even I couldn't answer. She asked what I was depressed about. I went blank. I started trying to create an answer in my head as she waited for a response. I managed to throw together some stressful things from that week and used them as my reason for cutting. These stressful things consisted of: Homework, Girls, and Getting Backstabbed by "Friends". Though these things were stressing me out, I could not link them to the reason for my cuts. Throughout the day a few others noticed the cuts and I gave them a very short and sweet answer to get them off my back.. Dante, however, found my cuts hilarious, after school he managed to tell multiple people about my little wounds. This angered me to a point of actually punching Dante in the jaw. Dante started spitting up blood and quickly ran away before anything bad happened. I got home and immediatly texted Kaitlin. The text said,"Hey, thank you for not making a big deal of my cuts. It honestly meant a lot to me that you cared. But at the same time, thank you for not asking millions of questions". After about 3 minutes I got a reply saying,"No problem. I have known since the first day of school that something wasn't right. Everytime you would walk into class you would let out a big sigh and you didn't seem as social as you did last year. I didn't want to say anything cause I didn't want to get in your business and I didn't want to make anything worse. I'm here if you ever need me though." I quickly typed out a reply saying,"Aww. Thank you <3 I always knew you were a sweetheart". After about 3 more hours of talking with Kaitlin I eventually went to sleep without finishing my homework. Things turned out good, or so it seems...
3rd day of cutting(Sept 19 at School): I woke up the morning after my 2nd day cutting and noticed the cuts were starting to heal. Once again, the girl on the bus was asking questions about my cuts. I ignored as I did the day before. Once I reached school 2 girls (no fucking idea who these ppl are) ran up to me and hugged me while saying something like,"We are so sorry about the stuff you have been going through" Almost immediatly I called Dante and yelled his ass out. He had told a vast majority of my friends about my cuts. None seemed to think of me differently, they just acted akward around me in class. RIIIIIIIIIIIIIINGGGGGG! "Yes, finally it is Study Lab", I thought to myself. I enjoy study lab because I sit RIGHT NEXT to Kaitlin. I sat down next to my crush and pulled out my homework from the night before so that I could finish it before I had Math class. Soon after I wrote my name on my paper Kaitlin leaned over and whispered to me. She said,"How are your cuts healing?" I replied,"Well." Just 5 minuted before the bell rings to release us from Study Lab, Kaitlin leans over again and whispers,"I love you, Andrew". I literally had to verify if I heard what I thought I heard. Appearently she knew I had a crush on her. -.- BUT, there is a catch. Kaitlin is dating a friend of mine named Will. Immediatly something in my head popped up saying,"Cut again." So, I did. I took my knife from my backpack, went to the restroom and went at it. These cuts were the largest of all the previous ones. They were VERY deep. It felt good. I wrapped my arm up in paper towels and went on to lunch. I sat by Kaitlin with Will at her other side. She asked my about the paper towels, and I just told her,"I cut in the restroom just a few minutes ago" She immediatly asked why. Now is when I couldn't do anything but say,"Over a girl". I don't even know if this was a lie or not. This where you guys (Sythe) come in. Did I cut myself to get attention from Kaitlin. Did I get addicted for no reason? Am I cutting over Kaitlin dating Will? Am I cutting becuase I don't have many "true friends" anymore? Am I cutting because of the fact that most of my few "REALLY GOOD FRIENDS" are online? Is there another reason that I am cutting and I am just blind to it?
PLEASE HELP!
