Long-term Girlfriend help.

Hey Sythe, I've been off this forum for awhile, but I've always trusted the community for support so here I am, in a plead for advice of any kind.

I do apologize for the length.

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I'll tell about out relationship before I begin on the problem. My name is Richard, I'm 20 years old, my girlfriend Emily is 19, we've been together for nearly 2 years, living together for just under 1 year. We're quite anti-social, we won't be going to school til September, neither of us like to drink/party anymore, and we literally work and come home and do whatever, the only interaction time we have is at work. We're not fat, nerd, total outsiders. We're quite normal, just have very heavy social anxiety, so it makes it hard for both of us to meet friends and hang out. I'm an avid gamer, and she's an avid book reader.

Lately (2 weeks ago til now) she's been a little distant, we've have what I'd consider a perfect relationship, we've NEVER really fought, we bicker, but nothing major in any way. Anyway, she has been distant, and I kept asking her why, and she said she's fine, it progressed until a few days ago when she got home late from work and I said we need to talk.

She began to tell me she's stressed about going to school, which is 10 hours away from where we live, we're going together, for similar courses. So I said okay, calmed her down a bit, everything seems okay, thought she wanted to get things off her chest.

The distance got worse, our hugs weren't as loving, when she'd say I love you too, it'd be slightly monotone, like it wasn't 100% meant. So this time she pulled me aside and proceeded to tell me that she doesn't know if I'm somebody she can see herself living with for the rest of her life. She gave a few reasons, but the main one was she thinks I don't do enough for her. I take her to nice diners, buy her anything she needs/sometimes wants, work tonnes of ours to pay bills, because she saves all her money for us for school, and I pay all the bills. But I do everything I can to make her happy, I call her beautiful everyday, tell her she looks amazing, until a couple weeks ago, we had healthy sexual relations, it's been MAYBE once a week at this point.

I don't know what else to do, I know she does a lot around the house, she does most of the cleaning laundry, while I do any cooking that doesn't involve the microwave, and work long hard hours at work so we can live the life style we've been living.

I promised her I would do everything I could to change and make her love me like she did when we first started dating, she said she'd try to accept everything, and try harder herself. So we're both trying to make this work, but I need advice on what too do. She's not a huge materialistic girl, she loves gestures, she's a vegetarian and I took her to a vegan place for her 19th birthday and she was the happiest person ever for a good week because she loved that I thought of it. I still try to be romantic all the time, I bought this magic fountain thing that glows all colours (yes I'm Canadian, I spell it with a u), smooth waterfall noises, and set up candles and gave her a long back massage and everything I could a few weeks ago, right before all this started I guess.

The point I need is, what can I do to not lose her? what can I do to change so I can bring whatever we had, back? I've tried everything, but I feel like I'm going to lose her. I've given her a 'promise ring' as well several months ago to show her how serious we are, but I haven't seen her wear it in 4 or 5 days, just been sitting in her cabinet.





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Anything at all would be great, I loved this community, I don't know why I left. I need your help, and i would be in pure debt if anybody could help me get through this.

I don't really go on the computer, so MSN won't really work. Please reply here with anything you can give me

Thank you Sythe,
- Richard S.

 

I would try taking time off of your work as well as her, to maybe go on some sort of mini-vacation to spend more time with each other and talk things out in a more relaxed atmosphere. Remind her why she loves you.

 

Hmm, there are a few things here I see. This could be a case of seeing someone too much, I for example work in a different place than my girlfriend and she comes home before I do and she works Saturday while I don't, but I work Monday and she doesn't. So essentially out of the week we are away from each other for approximately 10/14 that we are awake. If you work in the same place have the same work schedule and go to school together and what not then you seem to be around her for all of your day. After a while you will get boring to her because you are there ALL the time.

Its important to have some separation so that you have things to discuss that are stimulating, this can be things like work or a hobby/sport/whatever. While eventually being with the same person WILL lead to boredom, a strong enough connection will allow you to get through it.

While I doubt you can just jump to a new job in a heartbeat, something like paying for her to take a solo vacation somewhere she wants to go would help you in the long run because she will appreciate the gesture and it will give her some time away to think, what that leads to I have no idea because I personally don't know her.

 

As Annex has said, she might just be sick of seeing you everyday, not in a bad way, in like a... "oh it's Richard, no biggie"-type of way. Dno if you know what I mean but yeah, can't really emphasize that any further.

And yeah as already mentioned, slight separation might do some good. She might realise after not seeing you all the time that she genuinely misses you and all the feelings she had when you guys both started dating may arise again and she'll be more loving than ever.

I truly hope for her and your sake that everything turns out okay

 

The perfect replies given by both Annex and Chosen, exactly what I'd have said.

You sound like one of those nice guys, and it's true the women don't give them the appreciation they deserve.

You see too much of each other, which can be a bad thing. You both need your space. You need to let her see how much she should appreciate you, because if she does leave you, chances are she would regret it and appreciate you. So you need to find some sort of way to spend less time with her, because you're giving too much of yourself, without letting her realize that you're trying to avoid her for her own good.

Annex gave a great idea, a vacation for her only, maybe let one of her friends come along.

You sound like a great person, and she's really lucky to have you. Just being with her too much and treating her like you do gets boring, she doesn't "miss" you because she doesn't have time to, since you're always with her.

 

From what I understand after reading this, you guys work together, live together, don't really have separate social lives or friends that you can spend time with apart from each other, and might even be going to the same school together in September.

If the above scenario is the case, then I completely agree with Annex on this one that this is probably a case of seeing too much of one another. Sometimes when you first enter a relationship and have that intense infatuation with one another, or when you are deeply in love and don't want to be away from your partner, you end up spending every possible minute together. This is great - for awhile. But eventually, no matter how strong the connection is between you, things start to go stale and the boredom sets in. I remember dating a girl in high school who I was completely head over heels for, and we began doing everything together - we took as many classes as we possibly could together, shared a locker at school rather than get our own, went to parties and social events together, spent every waking minute of our lives together out side of school. It was great for a long time and we were very much in love, but eventually we became this inseparable "unit" and our individualism and independence was lost. Naturally things fell apart eventually and we both went our separate ways.

It sounds like your relationship with this girl is quite serious, and that you love her. The fact you guys are living together also suggests this. But you need to remember that you are both individuals, and should have your own hobbies, interests, work lives, and social lives away from one another. It is healthy for both of you in the relationship to feel some independence and self-reliance, but to be able to come home at the end of the day and share things with each other - how your day went, what is going on at work, what you are planning to do with your friends next Saturday, etc.

I would suggest that you work on forming your own lives, and pursuing your own hobbies and interests, yet keep working on strengthening your connection with one another. Encourage her to go out with a friend or a coworker for a night out, or offer to spend a night at your buddies house so that she can host a girls night or something. Or even organize a paid trip/vacation for her (and maybe a friend too) like Annex suggested.
Talk with her about your concerns with spending so much time together, so you can both work at it and get your relationship back to the place you want it to be. Once you guys have your own separate lives, the time that you DO spend together will be that much more special