In a great confusion

I really like boxing and it's been my passion. now i really want to chase it, and try to become a boxer. However, there's so many things stopping me and i feel so stressed and confused.

I am already 16, so that's a late starter.

In my country it's compulsory to serve in the military for 2 years when i become 18.

My parents, of course, are all against it. Success in boxing is very RARE, and the injuries, damage...

I really am in a great confusion. Really, i wish i was never introduced to boxing. It used to gave me great fun and joy and now it is making me stressed up and my parents are all #)$# because of this.

I really don't know what to do... I'm too weak to follow this passion, this route of uncertainty. I'm in a jungle, a dense jungle, without a compass, lost with no direction. The next moment it seems like im stuck in a whirlpool that i'll never get out from.

Don't they get me! I , too, rather wish i didn't like Boxing at all and maybe liked studying or doing some 'normal' things that is 'safer' and more 'stable'.

I WISH I COULD BE LIKE THAT TOO! I WISH I CAN PLEASE YOU GUYS AND MAKE U ALL HAPPY TOO WHILE I AM HAPPY MYSELF. DO U REALLY THINK IM TRYING TO MAKE THINGS SO FUCKING DIFFICULT FOR ALL OF US!? YES I AM YOUNG AND I KNOW THE DECISIONS IM GOING TO MAKE MIGHT BE REALLY INSENSIBLE AND STUPID.

But really. what im so afraid, so scared of is when i am 30 years old, sitting behind a desk i look back and think "what if..."

i used to have Fear of rejection, i used to be so scared trying. Be it just playing soccer or some crap game which no one takes seriously, i'm afraid of trying and embarassing myself. lucky now i have almost overcame it.

But now it's coming back. I'm so afraid... Afraid of failing, afraid of regretting. I've already lost so many things because i didn't dare. I lost so many things because i didn't just want to open my fucking golden mouth.

Not this time...I really am so scared once i let this go it'll be gone forever.

Now, recently, my life daily has been very good. Hanging out with my friends and it's really enjoyable. I really thought i would forget about fucking being a boxer. But now, when the joy ends and i return home, i think back and wonder...

These happiness and joy are short-lived. They won't last through the tough times, nor will they even last forever. What will bring me eternal happiness and joy, is doing what i want to do passionately. Boxing. I wonder...

I used to have many other aspirations and 'get-rich' careers i wanted to do. Poker player, be a big boss. Of course, soon after i gave up. That's why i lost my credibility. And now i'm so afraid to lose more crediblity again.

I feel so differently from Boxing. I feel i've matured much more. Yet, i wonder if i truly have matured. Everyone is telling me i'm doing it wrong and my thoughts are too immature.

I really wonder... From what i see myself, i do agree with them that the idea of boxing is really risky, and chances are, 15 years time, i'll be just another person. Even so, i feel and trust myself that i will be willing to take the risk. Yet, am i really prepared? I wonder.

I wonder why, why the society has to go through the 'system'. Why, do i have to go through this system. Why are certificates so important? Why can't i do it differently? Why can't i get support, real , genuine support. Why is pointless studying so important?

No, i'm not a kid who is doing badly at studies and just wants another 'easy' way out. I can do it. I am smarter than the average by a little, and going through the normal path, studying, becoming maybe a lawyer/enigneer/whatever fuck should be possible for me. Earning like a wage which will keep me going for the rest of my life.

But i'm really confused. Will i be happy? Yet again, am i too young to even judge myself? Am i too young to make such decisions..? I'm so confused.

I was doing well in studies, and had topped the class when i was 15 ( me and mom had a bet like $300 LOL! before it ). But after i was looking around on the internet and mindless thoughts, i started to wonder...

Wonder about my future, wonder about my happiness, wonder if studies would do me well, wonder if i should take this normal path and put away risks.

These songs really made me wonder :

- Gotta live like we're dying
- If today was your last day

Most of what i wrote are points just being said over and over again... I apologise. But that's what is going through my mind, repeatly. I want to shut it off so badly, it's difficult. I want to cry, tears won't come out. I want to leave home, but i can't imagine the state my family would be in. My parents Love me, they do. They are great parents, really great parents. I hate, really hate to disappoint them , but i had to disappoint myself.

FUCK it, i really wish i dared to just end my fucking life. Of course, i will NEVER dare and will never do it... I look forward to life and i know what is right and wrong, and i know i have my responsiblities as a student and child too. Sometimes, though, i really wish, i weren't born. Or i wish i was an orphan. Why is it, i wonder, everything i do has to be so fucked up. Why does everything i want to do make my parents disappointed? Why am i such a problematic fuck face.. What the hell is wrong with me.

Do i pursue Boxing, or does it remain on my did-not-do list forever? I'm well known for my fickle-mindedness. I really am afraid. This is my first time i've truly considered doing something so seriously. Yet it comes with so many consequences.

I'm so lost.

 

You could just do it in your spare time. The chances are low that you become professional. So just get a job or go to cooler or what ever, then go to boxing after college/work.

 

Your story reminds me of my own life. I grew up obsessing over hockey and wanting to play in the NHL. Since that isn't going to happen, I've broadened my interest and am majoring in Sports Management to GM a team someday.

If you love boxing so much, maybe you can pursue a career in boxing, but outside the ring. Possibly coaching, announcing, or a part of the boxing media. Does any of that interest you?

Rs Emperor

 

I don't know, but i was crazy about running a while back but i never ever thought of going PRO in running.

But boxing's really different. It's in the ring, just me against you. I don't know, but i feel it runs through my blood.

My only interest probably will to be a coach, other than a BOXER.

Update : I went to a boxing gym today. I've got myself a reality check. The training, if you do it properly, is no joke. Yet, i am willing to commit.

Right now i think i will try to balance my studies and sport. Thanks for letting me vent it all out here.