ridiculous.

my aunt about 6 mths ago had some spine problems ( sudden ) and now waist down she is paralysed.

about 3 months ago we started going to a "miracle healing service" church every saturday.

for 1.5 months, i prayed, believed and try to convince myself to accept christ. i prayed every night for any troubles and for my aunt to recover.

i lost faith, i had always been skeptical. when it's time to sing the songs, i never do. i always have my doubts about it. for the next 1.5 months, i drag myself with them, just to please my mother. ( the sisters , five of them, are very close ). she gets mad when i say i dont wanna attend.

the most fucking ridiculous thing is at church, while the pastor is preaching , most of the times they are using their iPhones or reading a book. i don't bring anything along and just listen to his preaches. it kind of pisses me off, not sure why. the last 1.5 months, i never really believed there was 'god' already. i was just going there for the sake of pleasing my Mom.

now, today, i told her i dont wanna go anymore. if she actually understands me and does fucking bother to observe , maybe she'll know that i lost faith a month and a half ago.

she gets really upset and mad at me for not going to church. she thinks that im staying at home just to use the computer ( LOL WHAT THE FUCK ), which is untrue.

I just hate going there, and for two hours im listening to things i don't believe in. It's stupid. Really stupid.

Now, it is ridiculous that she gets mad at me and totally upset for not going to church, wow! Isn't religion a fucking personal choice for fuck's sake.
She believes in God dearly, maybe that's why. But gosh, it's her beliefs, not mine! it's just so ridiculous.

i do feel guility that i've made her mad and upset, she's a good mom.

but this, is totally unacceptable for me.

i really want to tell her that if she doesn't understand me, don't fucking judge me. and it's MY personal choice where i want to go.

She sent me this " just once a week to support ( aunts name ). Too much to ask for?"

i really am angry. support can be shown in many other ways. why must i go and hear a pastor's preach that i have so many doubts about for 2 hours.

i replied " SERIOUSLY I DONT EVEN BELIEVE ANYMORE WHY SHOULD I GO THERE. ITS RIDICULOUS HOW YOU THINK IM STAYING HERE JUST TO USE THE COMPUTER WHY SHOULD I GO TO SOMETHING I DONT EVEN BELIEVE IN. SUPPORT CAN BE OFFERED AND SHOWN IN MANY OTHER WAYS. GOSH. IT DOES HURT TO GO TO A PLACE AND LISTEN TO SOMETHING I DONT BELIEVE IN. sorry i know i upset you but this is my choice and its ridiculous you get upset over it. "

she sent back " thank you".

i know my text was harsh and rude but i feel affected and annoyed how she does get upset over this. it's ridiculous.