Soo what do I do now?...

L O N G
B U T
P L E A S E
R E A D

I dont have many friends...
I wont lie, I always TRY to buy my friends. And I wish I didn't. I suffer from Agoraphobia. If you don't know what that is.. It is when:
Panic disorder with agoraphobia is an anxiety disorder in which there are repeated attacks of intense fear and anxiety, and a fear of being in places where escape might be difficult, or where help might not be available.

Agoraphobia usually involves fear of crowds, bridges, or of being outside alone.

I am scared of people. and this stopped me form going to school for the last 3 months.. and then summer came.

Well this disorder was going on. I was dating my EX-boyfriend. Its been 2 months and we've been over. He was abusive physically and mentally. Which makes everything worse. I suffer from Depression, Agoraphobia, Anxiety, And panic attacks.

I finally decided it was time for me to go out and meet new people.
I went to go see a old friend Noah. He's like a brother to me. And I thought we were cool. We walked around town for a little while. and got to Mc.Donald's. and he decided to ditch me for these girls who hated me. OBVIOUSLY NOT A FRIEND. I was forced to walk home.

But then for some reason a old friend came up. Nick. We hated each other last time we talk. I don't remember Why we became friends again.
Soo Like i do with every other friend. I try to buy them. He likes weed. Soo, I spent 20 dollars a day. smoking and buying weed. Just so i could see him again and feel like i had friends. And he was B E S T F R I E N D S with my ex.

I payed to go see a movie with the two of them.. I got ditched for this girl he A L M O S T cheated on me with. But then.. She asked me to walk with them.. So I did. Now we are good friends..

I've seen my ex probably 3 times before today about a once a week. Not wanting to but i wanted to hang out with nick.. and again they were BEST FRIENDS. And about 2 day ago He started dating, My knew friend (the one he ditched me for) Carley. I don't have feelings for him. Cause he's an ass hole.

But, Here's the funny story. Today. I went to go see Nick brought twenty dollars to hang out. And My ex, Bryan, is there. We don't usually get along. but were iffy. We just chilled then nick got weird for the past 2 days hes done this..
(1 him. 2 me)
1. Soo what time are you going home? Not trying to be mean.
2. What time do you want me to?
1. Well what time does your dad get off work?
2. 5:00 takes him 30 minutes to get out of work though.
1. Ohh ok. CAnt you call your grandma?
2. She has day care until 7.
1. Well you live where? @@@#!@#$!@#$? That's not that far. Why don't you walk?
2. That's a far walk.
1. (at 5:20) Hes probably off call him.
2. Bryan has my phone.
1. Ohh bryan dude give her her phone so she can call her dad.
---He doesn't answer phone----
1. Ohh. well my dad coming home soon soo...
2. Should i go? Your acting like you want me to go..
1. well my dads gonna be home.

Then Bryan tells me..
You buy peoples friendships you have nobody.
(i was already very sad from already people wanting me to leave.)
Usually when I'm upset id talk to Bryan. Soo I didnt have a ride home and wasn't walking so I sat outside.. I was crying sad. and felt like shit.

I texted Bryan telling him.
"Come out side. I wanna talk to you."
He comes out. I immediately start balling. Hard as ever. Telling him I love him. I need him back. Ill do anything I'm sorry.
He seems shocked, And doesn't take me back ( THANK GOD ! ) and i ask him desperate for SOME REASON "Tell me you don't love me.." He tells me he doesn't he loves Carley. I tell him they've only been dating for a few days. but he says that they've been talking forever. And that's it. Then i get a text from my ONLY friend Carley.. her text says..
"You told MY boyfriend you love him.?!"
I didn't reply. I called her a hour alter. But ill get to that.

After he told me he didn't love me. It was like a shot to the head and I wanted to die. I walked away crying. I had horrible suicidal thoughts. and felt like i had nobody. I lost Carley, Nick cause it was obvious he was using me for money, And Bryan. I wanted to kill myself. I wanted to walk into nicks grab a knife and stab my self in the stomach. But i didn't want to barge in. I thought about jumping in front of a car that was driving down his street. THANK GOD. I didn't.

I was sitting by the road, And finally i called Carley. ( I wanted to be relaxed and ready to talk to her. Shes a year younger then me by a grade. And was texting me before i crashed down and told Bryan i loved him. She's on vacation right now I'm suppose to see her Monday. ) I explained to her, I thought i loved Bryan because i felt alone and needed somebody to be there for me and stand up for me when I'm sad. That's the truth. I don't love Bryan. I honestly don't. and I think she understood... But I'm not sure..

Now I have nobody, And I am stuck at home again. And i just wanna find somebody who wants to love me and cuddle... But i haven't been in school for 3 months (NOT INCLUDING THE SUMMER MONTHS SO FAR) I don't have anybody. And i just want to find somebody to love... I mean I'm hopeless...

What do you think i do?

 

After reading your whole story, it looks like that you have a void that you always want to be filled. If people are treating you like this, they're not your friends. It's sometimes hard to find someone to mend a true relationship with, and once you think you have, it could blow up in your face. Things don't seem to go your way right now, but picking yourself up when you you feel like you have been shot down is the attitude you need. Never lost hope, thinking of ending your own life is never the right decision to make.

If you want to talk more add my MSN [email protected] or just shoot me PM's. Hope all in the future goes well.

 

Well, they're not really true friends if they'd use you for money and would ditch you like that. How old are you if you don't mind me asking? Just join Facebook if you haven't already and start talking to people that you know but haven't talked to much. It'll bring friendship and it'll carry on to better things from there depending on who you talk to. Don't talk to people that are always smoking as they might be bad influence to you. Besides, they know that you will buy them weed so they'll be "friends" with you until your out of cash. Pick wisely to who you make friends with. Good luck and never let yourself down and NEVER EVER take your live away because of a temporary problem.

 

Yea he was just hanging out with you for money.. IM sorry to say that. And its not your fault its sad that hed do that.
Just go out to a club or out to the mall or whatever there is to do if your able to do so.
and yea i was curious too.. how old are you?
if your on facebook ill at least add you and if you need to talk to someone id listen. (no creepiness)