Still unhappy...

I have gone through so many things in my life...

-Abuse
-Moving from place to place every few months for years
-Drug Addiction
-Mental Health issues (bipolar, anxiety, borderline personality disorder)

and have come out "victorious" as some may say

Ive come out all this with great friends, supportive family, a great girlfriend (even potential wife), job, pretty much everything a normal person may have... yet I still have the same feeling consisting of constant suicidal thoughts. Non stop.

Ive tried everything.
Anxiety groups, depression groups, CBT groups, group counseling, individual counseling, psychiatrists etc etc and nothing seems to work.

Medication im on is:
Seroquel 700mg, Lithium 900mg, Effexor 150mg, Nasinon 100mg, Celexa 40mg, Nitrazepam 10mg, Mirtazapine (rameron) 15mg. Some say i am over medicated, but i feel nothing, not the slightest change, from these except a slight decrease in anxiety.

My heart is at a constant 100-120BPM everyday no matter what im doing, laying down or walking. Tired all the time. Just tired in general.

I feel like death is inevitable.

What can I do?

Been in the hospital 2twice in the past 6 months and have been kicked out without being ready each time.

... im just tired....

 

Sorry to hear about your situation. Seems as though you have tried just about anything you could try. Best advice I can give is to try to have a positive outlook on everything, even if you don't believe yourself, still think positively, it can help a lot.

 

If only that helped. Tried it trust me. Some say keep pushing yourself until it sticks with you, well ive been trying to do that for the past 6 years. It hurts too much. I know nothing more that i can do.

Is my future left in the powers of psychiatrists? and whether they want to help me or not, cause to me it seems they dont.

1. Psychiatrist told me to go on methadone, since my drug of choice was heroin. Is it just me or is that completely stupid? Been trying to give up the habit only to be substituted by another one?

2. Another Psych suggested that hallucinations and delusions are only drug induced and not mental, which is complete bullshit.

Do i keep switching psychs? But doing that only makes the process go on longer and longer. =\

 

Ok at the start of this Summer I was really fucking depressed. SO many things in the span of 1 month happened to me and I couldn't stand it. What I did was totally change my schedule around, I stopped playing RS and really any online games. Started skating again, and a whole bunch of stuff that i used to enjoy before I got depressed.

I know that mine is short term and it may not work for you but just getting out and doing things you enjoy, and makes you happy should help some.

 

I spend everyday outside of my house. Go to the beach with GF or meet some friends for coffee and so on and so on. It still doesnt seem to help. Been going at it for a year non stop, hoping my mood would increase but nothing yet.

 

I'm sure when your with your girl friend or with friends your mood changes if so that is a good thing. There is nothing at all that you do everyday that is truly not needed that you can change?

 

have sex leeego

 

Honestly, at first going out with friends and my GF non stop, seemed to brighten up my mood, but as time passes by the reality is... its not helping anymore. It was as if i tricked myself into believing. It just does not work anymore, the tricking.

Was supposed to spend time with GF today... i couldnt, hmm maybe i could, but i wouldnt go even if you took a gun to my head. Told her i was sick, or some BS.

I used to walk everyday but i cant do anymore as i get super tired. Will update on why that is happening, as im seeing my GP doctor tomorrow morning.

Even that is no longer on my mind.... far from it.

 

You've been very brave and have done a great job getting past all the previous problems. But, when you look at your life now, what is still making you unhappy? What do you wish is different?

 

There are things i cling to that have happened in the past.

There are things like wanting to live on my own and not with my parents. However The job i have is pretty much work... if there IS work. Im on welfare. Any hope on getting better is to be put on Persons with Disability, PWD, but my psychiatrist doesnt want me on it because then ill be in the system and it might affect my future. IM LIKE DUDE im already in the f-in system for being an addict, what kind of damage can i do more????

I really want to live on my own, but in my current state i cannot. The only thing that can get me out on my own is getting on PWD. Finding a normal job is impossible. Too tired from meds, + too tired from my heartbeat being at 100-120, pretty much working overtime without any effort.

I wanna be on my own, make my own rules, and do whatever i want (responsibly). Go to bed when i want, go out when i want.

Living with my parents is like living in a prison. *sigh

Thanks for asking that question, that really gives a straight up root to my problem. Or at least One of.

 

Trying going to the gym and stuff. It sucks at first, but once you get into it really helps.
It helps alot for relieving stress and getting some anger out.
it also releases endorphins which help with happiness
it also takes your mind off things, when your at the gym im just focused on my work out, and the constant changes give me something to be proud of and constantly work for.

I think it helps alot man.. maybe its not your thing but just a small suggestion... worth a shot i suppose

you mention your heartrate being very high - could this be some of the medicine your taking as their might be an alternative medication that wouldnt cause this or something?

 

Maybe you should be seeing a Psychologist who will help you get the roots of your problems, and help solve them, instead of a Psychiatrist who will just dope you up and let you go. Maybe if you can work through some of your issues, others will resolve themselves, like your financial/work predicament. Hope this helps.

 

Smoke the GREEN

Hah , no but. Take a long vacation. Go to some sunny places , do things that you enjoy doing.. and so on

 

One thing you eventually learn in life is to not let things get to you or bother you. Not even a lil bit. I been havin a rough life since I was bout 12 years old. My daddy was always on drugs and was never himself, I thought this was always my fault(Bad grades, dissrespectfull, you know). Im 18 now and i can look back knowin that half the shit I frowned on back then wasnt my fault but at the time I felt depressed not knowin what was coming next in life. I could sit here all night and tell sob stories but truth is im bouta fall asleep. All im tryin to say is life will throw shit at you, give you hard times, and even harder times. The man upstairs is in control no matter what, always remember that. He has his plans for you and like everyone says and im sure you heard it before, whatever happens, happens for a reason. Just go with what you feel is right and live your life like YOU wont to, not how the next person wants to. Hope this helps you a little bit. Feel free to pm me if you wanna talk.

 

It would be easy to live a life i want if i was able to move out, but this cannot happen as i cannot get a job. Being very overmedicated makes me very tired and useless everyday. If im not medicated i go manic, and do very stupid and crazy things.

One way for me to be able to live is if i was put on PWD (Persons with disability) but my psych doesnt want to and i dont see him until Aug 3rd.

I feel trapped. The phrases do what you want do not apply to me whatsoever... unless i wanted to live in a group home, but thats like a one way ticket to NOwhere, you're pretty much stuck there forever.

I dont understand why psychiatrists suck so much. Been to 2 others already. One suggested i go on Methadone because my Drug of choice was heroin which is ridiculous cause why would i trade up one addiction for another? The other told me that hallucinations were only drug induced and that seeing people jump infront of my car is false and someone might think im bullshitting. To who ever ive told this to were shocked at the stupidity of the psychs.

Been already at this for 6 years, how much longer can i hold on