IRC commands & General help

I have an IRC bot set up 24/7 that stays on a certain channel. It only has speaking rights.
I want it to be able to say stupid shit basically. Every time I sign on, I want to set a custom message and be like "Blade...the baws has appeared!"

Also, I'd like to set up additional scripts.
Anything helpful would be nice...just post here if you know any and how to apply them.

Apparently i need to be on MIRC - that's fine I'll dl it after some help.