First rap lyrics (don't beat me up :x)

Whip a lighter out here we go,
Ain't doin' this just to put on a show.
Hit a bowl and inhale some smoke.
You want a pull? Nah you'll probly choke

Does it suck always livin' on the ground?
You see unlike you, i'm floatin up in the clouds.
Goin' higher than appolo thirteen,
Leanin' it back and twistin' the greener-y
Put my crown on you'll see i'm a king,
My swag flowin' through the room it's so clean

I don't chase bitches, bitches chase me.
Not lovin' me for my riches,
Cause i'm the one chargin' a fee.

Don't tear me up.. this is a white boy's first attempt at a rap.

 

Doesn't look too bad, but I'll give you two tips:

1) Establish a flow for every song you write. You'll either want it to sound smooth or rugged.

2) Write about what you know. I've written one rap before, I'll post it in a second. It's mostly just a reflection of how life was going at the moment.

It's kind of hard to judge raps that are purely written because you don't know how the writer intended it to sound.

Code:

Sometimes I feel trapped,
Everything I spit is whack,
So I spark a zone and sit alone,
Until I feel relaxed,
I'm waitin' on my chance,
cuz I know that I could blow,
Make a spark into a flame,
While you hatin' on the low,
I'm just spittin' what I feel,
So how is real defined?,
but I'm livin in a dream, 
so I open up my mind,
Everything I find is cardboard,
I know you're out there somewhere,
and I swear I'm lookin' hard lord,
but you've faded me for years,
so what should I expect?,
All these fuckin' tears,
my life's a fuckin' wreck,
It's like everday I wake up,
wonderin' why I'm still alive,
This life you made me take up?,
I hated ever since I'm five,
Sometimes I wonder why I do this,
Write this shitty music,
and I sit alone at night and cry,
this question's so confusing,
but I won't admit the shit I've felt,
from this medicine I'm abusing,
It's like every night I slip
into a world I can call my own,
but I know it's cuz I feel dead,
in this place I call a home,
When I look at the light dead in the eyes,
starts to reveal my motive,
All this fuckin anger inside,
I'm tryin to control it,
but I let it get the best of me,
it strangles and depresses me,
and that's the reason that I go to bed,
prayin this night'll be the last time,
I'll never have to wake up,
to bein fat and chasin' fast dimes,
but I swear to everything I'm worth,
I'm goin hard til death,
ever since my fuckin date of birth,
puttin' passion in these bars,
and keep wishin' on these stars,
and hope a fission splits my brain,
leaves me here without a name,
I know the thought is kinda scary,
but I swear to you it's the only way
my life'll play out fairly...

 

Good point. I'll finish the rest of it and maybe make a video.

 

That's what ruined it.

 

Cool

 

Also, I realize this is kind of old, but trust me, you WANT people to beat you up. You can learn more from a critique than from a compliment.

 

The lyrics have a good flow and I could imagine them sounding kind of like they belong on a kotton mouth king type of song and delivery.


With that said I don't like them as I don't like them as I think they are too straightforward and need more double meanings and punchlines.

 

You can't just write a rap and then let us judge it. Record it and let us HEAR what you've wrote.

I mean the writing is very good but still read above ^