Hating life/low self esteem.

A little background info on me, before I continue.
I'm 15 and a freshman in high school. My parents divorced in 03-04 and honestly it wasn't a bad break up or anything. I live with my dad because my mom doesn't want anything to do with me anymore because of my temper issues. I have been diagnosed with bipolar I. I can never sleep. The only time I can ever sleep is during class and it has really begun to take a tole on my work. I'm starting to worry about things without need. my thoughts are never 100% clear. I'm starting to hate life.



I'm beginning to feel my life has no purpose. Everything I do is the same. I wake up, Go to school, talk to very few people ( I only have a couple friends), Go home, go to sleep(if possible). I can't focus in school because I can never sleep and my grades are showing it. My dad always calls me a lier and will honestly never believe a word i say. I can't keep a girl friend because of my temper issues. I just don't know what to say, It feels like I have no purpose.
I love art and take classes for it. Honestly its the only thing that I ever look forward to.


i've had low self esteem for ages now. It really hasn't been bothering me until hit high school (this year). I have low self esteem and very low confidence in myself. I just don't know why... I also suffer from extreme temper problems. everything has been fine with my life except for my parents separation in like 03-04. Every little thing can set me off (temper wise or emotionally). I'm 15 freshman in high school. A couple days ago a group of jocks were teasing me and I just lost it and started swinging. Ended up hurting some one pretty bad causing me to feel bad, get suspended, Have to go to court in early march.


I honestly always feel less superior to everyone and my true friends (a couple). Any little thing some one says about me tears me up emotionally. This just started recently and up until now I haven't been one to care what people think of me or anything. I just can't help it anymore.


I want to go to my dad for help but he will just call me a lier. I've thought about suicide multiple times now but have been able to realize it isn't the right choice. I can't get enough confidence to talk to girls so the only time I can get a girlfriend is if it's some one I've already known for a while now before these problems set in. I don't know what to do anymore.

TL'Dr I hate life, Always depressed, and have no one to turn too.

 

Go to a doctor/therapist.

That's the best advice I can give you. Lots of times all it takes is one person to talk to to change your entire view of things.

 

Like srgnt said, you really, REALLY need to get a doctor AND a therapist. You'll never fix your sleeping habits if you continue to do it. Force yourself to stay awake during the day; do anything you can possibly do to stay awake. Maybe you can get to the point where you're just completely exhausted by bedtime, and you'll be able to start fixing your sleeping cycle.

I've said it before, and I'll say it again: put yourself into those uncomfortable positions. You're not just going to wake up one morning and be completely over your low esteem. It takes quite a bit of work. Force yourself into things where you'll have to interact with your peers. Join a school musical, a club of some kind, or even a sport. It doesn't matter if you're not good at it, you'll still be getting that interaction that you so vitally need.

And if art is your passion in life, then hey, go for it! Just carry around a notebook with you, and when you get frustrated at something, draw. Just go crazy with it. You can use that as an outlet for your frustration.

Lastly, sit down and have a serious talk with your father about what's going on. Tons of kids try to lie their way out of going to school. Unless you really tell him what's going on, he's not going to take you seriously. Sit him down and tell him that you really need help, and ask if you can start getting sessions with a therapist. That should be enough to make him believe you.

Just never forget that life's awesome man, it really is. Don't give up on it.

 

First, I am glad you decided that your life is not worth taking. It is a big step on the road to recovery with your depression. Suicide is never the answer and you should feel proud that you have your head up enough to know this.

Also, I hope never again that you feel the need to include a "tl;dr" version. A persons issues are never such an inconvenience and I wish for you to know that you can PM me, or if you want to remain anonymous, add my MSN with a new email for the sole purpose of just discussing your issues.


A lot of kids never feel the same after their parents divorce and this could be playing a major role in your mental state.
When my parents split up I was 16 and I constantly declined the fact that my dramatic life style change was because of it. As time went by I realized I was trying to associate everything going wrong in my life with my parents divorce, and took a step forward and visited a psychiatrist who really helped me. It really is a good thing to have someone who is certified in that field to talk to. Just the fact of them being a professional made me feel at ease, and it was very simple to lay my heart on the line for them.

If you like art and have a lot of free time at home, take your school work home with you. Art is a beautiful way to express yourself, and expanding from just your courses at school will help you not only emotionally but it can also stimulate you physically. Discuss your passion of art with your instructor and ask how you might be able to bring it into your social life.

Consult your doctor, or visit one at the very least about your sleeping issues. Sleep deprivation is a very serious problem amongst thousands of emotionally unstable teens, and can be helped with a course of medication. I know medication sounds scary at first, but look at it like it were vitamins. Its the same pretense, they will help you get your life back, and your grades up .

Issues with your dad can only be cured by you talking to him. If its hard to talk to him in anyway, as it is with most untrusting fathers, I suggest writing a letter. It sounds weird I know, but a letter gets your point across without the tension.

I would say don't worry about a "girl" during this process as it can complicate things. When you feel you have your life back on the right track emotionally then you can start worrying about girls


My MSN is [email protected] I am always able to talk, but more importantly I am always able to listen.
I will not judge you for your problem, big or small. I may not have advice for everything, but I will give it my best shot.

Please contact me if your ever deem it necessary.

 

Times are hard, for everyone. Some harder than others. There is always something to look foward to in life though.

 

Double post sorry.

 

I'm in your situation as well, I'm 15 and a freshman.My parents are starting the divorce process.
I'm not sure about your sleep problems but i may be able to help with the self-esteem aspect. I read you like art, maybe every day you could draw how you feel and reflect your day through your art. Maybe paint a drawing for a special girl?
Personally i'm getting into dance, just to focus on something.
Also just mentally prepare yourself for the insults, try to remeber that they dont really mean it.Idk if you wanna talk pm me?

 

Like Sanct said, you definitely need to see a therapist, at least to talk to. They can also give you meds to sleep.

You need to rely on your friends to talk to man, I know how difficult parents can be at times.

You need to follow your passion with art though, take a course or a club, anything to do with art. If you join a club you'll meet more people who enjoy doing it, and who knows what that will bring.

Anyways if you need someone to talk to hit me up you know where to find me <3

Also I would give you advice on the self esteem, but I'm kind of in the same situation :S so don't get mad

 

Here is the DSM-IV-TR 's version of the symptoms of borderline personality disorder.

A pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image and affects, as well as marked impulsivity, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:

1. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. Note: Do not include suicidal or self-injuring behavior covered in Criterion 5
2. A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.
3. Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.
4. Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., promiscuous sex, eating disorders, binge eating, substance abuse, reckless driving). Note: Do not include suicidal or self-injuring behavior covered in Criterion 5
5. Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, threats or self-injuring behavior such as cutting, interfering with the healing of scars (excoriation) or picking at oneself.
6. Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days).
7. Chronic feelings of emptiness
8. Inappropriate anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights).
9. Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation, delusions or severe dissociative symptoms

 

I used to have low-self esteem and confidence. That never changed until I actually did something about it.

I started to keep my head up, walk tall, and knew and realized that I have equal rights as a member of this society; that no one is superior than me.

That's all I can say. Maybe I can say more on the other problems you are dealing with, but I will not because I honestly would not know what I am talking about

 

Suggestion Anne Harro

 

I know the feeling, if you want to talk i'm always here [email protected], i had parents divorce etc but i'm fine now. I have been through alot and have come through a better person and there's people i remember helping me through and i'd like to try and be one of those

I find one way of venting anger is through doing what you love, i've read that you like art so you could do that, why not try and do something linking to money, you could start up a rs character drawing service or something, just try and keep positive and i'm here for you to talk to

If it's being creative you like, you could do something like RSMV's or make music, the posibilitys are endless on what you can do, the thought of a pyschiatrist scares people and to be honest i wouldn't like to be sent to one, i just think something like these forums are good because we all have a common intrest and the people here who have posted care enough about you to spend there time writing their advice etc.

Edit:
Another thing that i found useful is writing a diary entry everyday, it is a good way to pour all your emotions into, it also gives you something to read over when your older and bring back memorys of good times and possibly the bad to make you appretiate the good in the future

Also, wow 100 posts :O


Edit2:
Not many people realise this but you only need a handful of TRUE friends, i am proud to say i have around 5 true friends, sure there are a load of people who i can talk to etc and text etc, but they're not true friends the ones who you would tell anything to.

 

Hey,

I had similar to you for the past year. I went to see my doctor and they told me to take anti depressents. (i chose not too) I have also been into numerous therapists who don't seem to really help very much. You could give it a try. I don't feel you are bi-polar. I think you have had alot of stress to deal with, and it's become so much for you that you are now a walking angry mess, and can't concentrate on anything other than what has happened at home. Hence not being able to socialise very much or feel as though you fit in. Maybe I am wrong, but it pains me that everyone is getting medical diagnoses of bi-polar, when this isn't getting to the core of the problem.

I think, you need to write out all of what you've been through, and analyse it to come to a conclusion of what has made you feel this way. write about your anger and your reasons. And also, as you are doing that, think about what your parents might be feeling. Your mother obviously has her own issues, which is why she can't face you, which I know seems absolutely crazy, how could she do such a thing, and all you want is for her to love you. But my dad, never loved me, and never will, its something i've finally accepted. Maybe you could talk to her and she will be different. But I really think you have to work on yourself, and learn that how you feel is not how it has to be.

You probably have very low self esteem growing up in that environment, amongst hate, but this is all wrong, and you mustn't hate yourself, or blame others. it has all happened through unconscious pain of them, and unknowingly passing it onto you and now you are in pain. but remember that in this moment, you are not angry, you are trying to find the solution to the pain. Forget the labels of what you are. what they tell you you are. and what you have labeled yourself as 'bi-polar' . if you continue to go over that, you will always be depressed. remove the labels. you are attempting to heal. and I have faith that you will. But you do need to write to release, or talk to a therapist if you can do that. they won't be able to cure you in the sense of making everything better. but they will be able to listen. and that will help you alot, to get it out of your system. I am happy to mentor you if you wanted, mail me at [email protected]


Though its there everyday in your head, you are still trying to live a normal life, which is difficult with that intensity of thought you have, against your mother for abandoning you and other issues there. It really can't have been easy (my dad did the same to me) and I feel for you. But I feel you are lacking guidance from your parents and this is what is making you angry. Don't worry too much right now about not 'fitting in' with friends, i know its painful, but you will find your way. the biggest thing now is for you to find your true self amongst this mess (with no labels such as bi-polar) and to find a way to accept what has happend, and to be able to feel like doing things again, outside of the home environment.

Please email me. I have ears and would love you to be able to write. you seem like you can write... are you creative at all? do you have any passions?
seems silly to ask.. but anyway.. please write.

take care
x