Various complicated issues

Okay.

Yesterday was my school's "Relay For Life," where students would spend a night walking the school's track, participating in events to raise money for the American Cancer Society. My mom was diagnosed with cancer about 4 or 5 months ago. She had major surgery to remove her thyroid and ever since, she's told me that she's gotten progressively better. A few days ago, we had an argument and she told me that she's not getting better. That she's lied to me to protect me and keep me from worrying.

So I go to Relay For Life and I participate in this "Lumineria" ceremony, which is an event where students light a candle for people they know that have cancer and/or have died from it. Sure enough, I lite one for my mom. Anyways, the ceremony begins and the spokesmen gave a rousing speech that put me to tears. I began to feel terrified and scared for my mom as well as very heavyhearted.

As people start walking around the lap during the ceremony, I just sat there, crying with a few of my friends. This girl comes up, doesn't say a word, and kisses me on the cheek first and then my neck. I've known this girl for half a year and we don't talk that much. We've flirted on some occasions and she keeps telling me that I have nice hair, etc. We've also talked each other through some hard times (heartbreaks) and whatnot. I didn't think I felt anything for her. All my friends think (before this event) that she likes me and whatnot.

I just found this kind of strange. I didn't feel anything at first but looking back, I can't stop thinking about it. I don't know if I feel anything for her or anything. I just feel so confused. Just the day before, I ended a fling I had with someone else that had been already deteriorating for a long time.

Besides that, I just feel so sad with life. I don't see purpose in it anymore. Nothing really excites me anymore. I've had various flings and relationships with people but they've always ended poorly. I always try to find meaning in these meaningless flings and often times, I refuse to give up no matter what the other person does. I keep telling myself that if I'm patient, I'll be happy eventually. It never seems to come around but yet I rarely ever muster the heart to give up on it. In terms of my mother, I just feel so shocked. I would have appreciated if she was honest but now I just fear for her. I feel so terrified. I don't think my family can take such an event as a loss. My little brother is turning 7 and has spent most of his life with only my mom (my dad is away on business for long periods at a time).

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm nearing becoming bored of living. I don't know. My emotions are a jumble.​

 

You're getting depressed, when I'm feeling depressed, I just start doing some activities, being with my friends, going out, etc.

 

If only life were so simple.


OT:

The Girl.​

If she has liked you for sometime, it would explain her affection when you were crying. She wanted to show you that she is still there for you without saying a word. If she gathered your attention on the matter, it worked.
You say you never really felt anything for this girl, but it sounds as if you have a friendship with her. I would explore that farther, come to get to know her better, you never know what you might end up realizing.

The cancer.​

Countless people struggle with this very issue everyday. The only thing you can do is be there for your mother. Stand beside her and let her know that you will be strong through this and help her every step of the way.
Supporting a person who has a terminal illness is never easy, but every second you spend with her, will keep her happy and knowledgeable to the fact that you love her.
I hope that she makes it out okay, and my condolences are with you and your family.

The depression.​

Life may not always turn out like it should, I know at times I get down. Thinking that life is nothing more than what I have experienced, that nothing new will ever intrigue me enough to want to stay. That is complete horse shit though, life may go by slow at first, but when you are having fun, doing what you want, everything seems A-OKAY.
Take a step back when ever you are feeling like life has no purpose, reminisce on all the great time you have had, then picture the ones that are to come.
Once you do that, then you will understand what I am gibbering on about.

 

Your mom-
I understand the reasoning behind her not telling you that she wasn't getting better. But be greatfull that she actually did tell you. Now you know how big of a deal it is, and you can start coming up with ways to deal with it. Be with her by her side, let her know that you're there for her. It's not going to be easy at all, not in the least bit. But like Lordhooters said, it'll keep her happy with just you being there. Thing happen in life that you can't control, don't beat yourself up over it.

The girl
As far as your female situation goes, it makes sense. She probably has had feelings for you. ( You said you were friends? ) She saw you emotional and with your guard down. It's only natural for her to go over there and comfort you. It took your mind off things, did it not? I'd give her a shot, but take it slow. Start talking to her more, get to know her. Become close friends. Because you never know what could blossom out of a friendship like that.

Depression
Everyone goes through a stage in their life where they're unsure of things. Push through it, because it's not worth wasting all that time over. Try and push it to the back of your mind. Explore new things that you'd never think would interest you. Try things you've never tried before. Why flings? Try a relationship. I've never gone into a relationship without thinking it would be forever.

Just keep your chin up hun, and look forward to the future when you're out of this mindset. You don't have to feel like this.

 

I would honestly go for the girl. It could possibly help you with your "Depression" or lack of interest in life.

Sorry about you're mom. btw.

P.S. - Try out boxing/mma, a great way to release anger/stress.