How to forget/move on?

Semi long post, so if you don't want to read something lengthy, please don't post tl;dr. I'm spilling my heart out here, so that's the last thing I want to see, haha. I don't think it's that bad of a read, and honestly.. it's a pretty fucked up story, in my opinion. Chances are, this story might make you feel better about your relationship/romantic life.

Even if you don't want to feel better, if you're bored, please read this. Any advice I can get is better than nothing, I'm going crazy here. I've tried talking to people in real life, but that just seems to make things worse.

Edit: Okay, this is a novel, no way anyone wants to read this shit. If you want the tl;dr version, skip to where it says "START READING HERE" in bold. Or for an even shorter tl;dr, go to where it says "SPARK NOTES".

Anyways, to simplify things, let me name the people involved in this story.

The girl I'm with right now is named Ashlie. The girl I'm trying to forget is named Kayla.


Alright, so where to start?.. Ashlie and I dated for about 2-3 years. We had a decent relationship, I guess. It was one of those off and on things. We used to get into silly arguments, and her solution to an argument was breaking up with me for a few hours/days. About a year and a half ago (Summer of 2009), she broke up with me and told me that she doesn't love me, never did (throughout our relationship), and never will. She then made plans to move halfway across the country.

After being depressed for what felt like an eternity, I started to move on. I started talking to other girls, followed the age old advice of "Get laid, it'll make you feel better". After one rebound relationship, and hooking up with multiple chicks, I felt much better, I was ready to let her go. Then, out of the blue, she knocks on my door, and tells me she's not moving anymore, realized she was wrong, and wants to get back together.

At that point, I should have slammed the door shut in her face, and kindly instructed her to go to hell. But no, being the idiot I am (you'll notice, this is a common trend in my life), accepted her back with arms wide open. Everything is fine for a few months, yay happy. So I leave town in December to visit family for Christmas (my family lives about 4 hours away). On December 23rd (I remember the exact date, because it was at night, literally the night before Christmas Eve), she calls me and reiterates what she told me before (never loved me, never will, etc), and breaks up with me.

Now, I'm absolutely gutted. I never expected her to do this again. For God's sake, we had plans to get married. I had even picked out and bought a ring (Thankfully it wasn't very expensive). I had a date planned, and knew exactly how I was going to propose to her. She told me countless times how she can't wait to spend the rest of her life with me, and things like that. The absolute last thing I expected was for her to pull this stunt again. However, in the end, I only have myself to blame for this, as I'm the one that took her back.

When I got back in town, I took all my stuff from her place, and tried to start the process of moving on. We didn't really talk, and as much as I shouldn't have been, I kept on having sex with her, several times a week. This continued until the middle of February. At the same time, I was talking to another girl, Kayla (Just talking, we hadn't gone on a single date yet, or else I wouldn't be having sex with my ex, I don't think that's right). I stopped having sex with my ex (Ashlie) halfway through February, around the 16th or so. 11 days later, on the 27th of February, I started dating Kayla.

To be honest, I was kicking myself for not asking her out earlier, as I really liked her. She had a great personality, we had a ton of things in common, and she's absolutely beautiful. Truth is, I was probably scared of getting close to someone else, after what Ashlie did to me. My heart was still in pretty bad shape, and I took a gamble on Kayla.

The reward was definitely worth the risk. I'm not going to go into incredible detail about our relationship, because I'll sound like a nostalgic fool, but let me just say it was amazing. It wasn't perfect, not at all. It had it's ups and downs, it's highs and lows; sometimes it was great, sometimes it was bad. But honestly, who has a "perfect" relationship?

Nobody ever has a relationship without any bumps in the road. Sometimes the bumps are tiny, and other times they're massive ditches in the middle of the road. What matters is that you make it through those bumps. That's what our relationship was. No matter what happened, the way we felt for each other never changed.

I loved spending time with her. I know people say that all the time, but I truly loved spending time with her. I could do anything with her, and have fun; as long as she was around, I didn't care what we did. I used to find myself staring at her all the time. We'd be driving down the road, I would look out the passenger side window, catch a glance of her, and think "Wow, she's beautiful". I thought she was drop dead gorgeous the moment I saw her, and that feeling never changed. She was naturally beautiful, never needed a hint of makeup. In fact, to me, she looked the most beautiful right when she woke up in the morning.

A lot of people ask "What is love?". Well, in my opinion, this is what love was.

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START READING HERE
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Let me set the record straight, I've NEVER felt this way about anyone else. No other girl I've dated, talked to, or hooked up with has made me feel half of what she made me feel. The good news? I now know what love feels like, at least to me. The bad news? I threw it away like an idiot.


Flash forward to the Summer of 2010 (August, to be exact). Kayla and I had been dating for almost half a year now. Things were going great. We had moved in together, and both had decent paying jobs ($9 an hour, which is great for college students), albeit stressful, but I can't complain about that. This is the beginning of the end, where it all goes downhill.

Ashlie calls me, and gives me the worst news possible. She tells me that she's 6 months pregnant, and it's mine. The supposed date of conception was February 12th, which really would mean it was mine (I checked my bank statements, and hers, and we were together that day). She told me she wanted to get back together, and raise the baby.

I know it sounds fishy, that she only found out 6 months later, but that part I believed, and still do. She has endometriosis (plus a cyst on her ovary), so her periods were incredibly irregular. At one point, she went 4+ months without a period, so that's nothing strange for her.

At first, I thought "No?". There was no way in hell I was going to get back together with the person that told me they'll never love me not only once, but twice. The same person that broke up with me at least 15 times. Why would I leave near-perfection to settle for mediocrity?

I told Kayla about it the instant Ashlie told me, and she said that it was a tough situation, and she would support any decision I would make. At the time, my decision was already made, there was no way I was going to get back together with Ashlie.

However, it seems as if Ashlie was determined for the exact opposite to happen. She routinely played mind games with me, and texted me telling me why I should get back together with her. Or how I shouldn't neglect my baby. She sent me a list of pros and cons of getting back together with her, except she conveniently (and purposefully) left out the cons, and just sent me a huge list of positive things, yet nothing bad.

She even went so far as to bring up my dad. You see, my dad abandoned his family when I was young, and was never around. I don't need to go into specifics, as I'm sure you all know the damage that causes. The last time I saw my dad was highschool graduation, 3 years ago, if that goes to show you anything. Even then, it was for 5 minutes. After seeing the pain that my dad brought to my mom, my sister, and I, I vowed that I would be nothing like him, and never do a tenth of what he did.

Knowing that, she used that against me. She told me that if I neglected the baby, I would be just like my dad. In fact, she said I'd be even worse, because at least he tried. (I was born out of wedlock, my dad told my mom he wanted to be together and raise a child, but decided to bail 10 years later). Her words cut like daggers, straight to my heart.

Eventually, I caved in, and made the stupidest mistake of my life. I told her that I want to be there for the baby, and that I would breakup with Kayla. I decided this about a month before I broke up with her. You know that saying "You never know what you have, until it's gone"? It's true, a million times over.

After I decided to be with Ashlie, I didn't feel sadness. I interpreted that as my heart telling me it was the right move, and that I wouldn't miss Kayla, and I had a beautiful baby girl on the way. Truth is, I wasn't missing her because I WAS with her. Her face was the first and last thing I saw every day, why would I miss her?

Once again, I wasn't smart enough to think of that at the time; as they say, hindsight is 20/20. My deadline for breaking up with her was October 24th. I finally started feeling it the last week (October 17th-24th). I cried that entire week, pretty much. I know it's manly to say "I never cry", but I'll be the first to admit that I do cry. At that point, I had cried twice before in my life (When my grandfather, who was pretty much my dad, passed away, and when Ash first left me in the summer of '09).

So I guess the fact that I'm crying for a whole week straight should have tipped me off to how bad of an idea this was, but it didn't. On October 24th, 2010, I made the worst mistake of my life. I told Kayla that as much as I love her, and want to be with her, I couldn't abandon my child, and didn't want her to grow up without a dad.

Her reaction makes me want to crawl into a hole and die, even to this day. Fighting back tears, she just said "Okay". I know it took her by shock, and was the last thing she was expecting. I'm never gonna forget our last moments together. She just looked me straight in the eyes, this time not holding back tears, said "Goodbye, I hope you have a good life", as we hugged. I'm never going to forget her walking away, and what I felt.


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SPARK NOTES
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The weeks/months that followed were, no lie, the worst of my life. I have never, ever felt so depressed before. Nothing could take the pain away, not even getting drunk/high. I had no motivation to do anything, talk to anyone, or even live, for that matter. Obviously, I wasn't going to commit suicide, that's the coward's way out, but my main motivation for getting up in the morning was gone; I watched her walk away and did nothing to stop it. Long story short, I don't wish the pain I felt on ANYONE, even my worst enemies. It's absolutely awful, nothing like I've ever felt before. I've had friends and family pass away before, but this felt worse. I guess it's because I was to blame, and nobody else, so that compounded the problem.

This story is bad enough, right? Well, don't worry, it gets worse. You know the baby that was supposed to be mine? Instead of being born in early December, as she should have been, she was born on January 12th. I was incredibly suspicious of this date, and demanded we get a paternity test after the babe was born. We did, about a month ago. Two weeks ago, the test came in, and lo and behold.. I'm as much related to the baby as I am to Elvis. In other words, it's not my child.

I basically gave up the best relationship I've ever had, to be there for my "child". Now, I find out that was all for nothing? That if I had "been like my dad", I would be incredibly happy (and relieved) right now? Can you imagine the magnitude of news like that? I'm still, to this day, partly in shock.

What's my problem? I can't, for the life of me, get Kayla out of my mind. I literally can't go an entire hour without thinking of her. Normally, in a relationship, that's a great sign. But when you've broken up with that person, and there's a slim to none chance of getting back with her, that's an awful thing.

I'm haunted by her memory everywhere I go. Every place I go to in my city is attached to a memory of her. The bank, grocery store, Walmart, dollar store, mall, etc. She's left her fingerprint on all these places, and I can't help but focus on it when I'm there.

People say that time heals all wounds, and I partly agree. However, in this situation, time is taking its sweet ass time. It's been almost 4 months since I broke up with her, and the pain is just as intense and chilling as it was the day afterward. I mean, I can now hide it, and be a normal functioning human being, but deep down inside I feel none of the emotions I display. The only emotion I feel is intense regret and sadness/depression. If anyone has the show Dexter, that's what I feel like. I have to fake basic human emotions just to get by.

Want to know the kicker? I don't even love Ashlie. I like her. I think she's a fun person to be around, and we'd be great friends if we weren't dating. But I know, deep down inside, that I don't love her. I might have loved her a long time ago, but she's completely destroyed everything I felt. As much as I feel that way, I'm still with her. I can't tell you exactly why. Maybe part of me figures if I gave everything up to be with her, I shouldn't break up with her so soon. Or maybe I feel bad? Maybe there's still a bit of hope inside that makes me think the baby is mine? I don't know, your guess is as good as mine.

I know what you're thinking. If I still, to this day, feel this way about Kayla, then why not get back together with her? Problem is, that bridge has been burned; maybe burned isn't the best term, let's say it's been nuked and incinerated. Not only does she hate me for the pain that I caused from my stupidity, but her entire family despises me as well. Not to mention, she has a boyfriend now. And from reading her Facebook statuses, she seems like she's very happy with him (I deleted my Facebook after we broke up, and sometimes when I'm drunk/high at the computer, I'll reactivate it just to see how she's doing, which is never a good idea, always ends up bringing me more pain).

Every day I resist the urge to contact her. Thankfully, I haven't yet, for multiple reasons. I'm afraid of her either ignoring my message, or replying with a hurtful, noxious answer (which she would have every single right to). Or I'm afraid that talking to her again will bring up more pain for both of us. I still haven't even started to forgive myself for the pain and sorrow I put her through, so the last thing I want to do is bring more. I think, mostly, deep down inside I'm afraid of contacting her, and us not really having much to talk about, and me having used up my one "talk to an ex without sounding like a stalker" card up. To be honest though, I don't think for her sake I should even consider ever talking to her, shouldn't I?

So my question is.. What in the world do I do? I know that in time, this feeling will go away, but I can't continue living like this. Everyday is a chore, trying to be happy is an exercise in futility. I can remember the last time I was happy, just as it was yesterday - October 15th. That is, honestly, the last time that I was truly happy, and didn't feel like shit. By no coincidence, that was when Kayla and I were still together.

So, tis is my plea for help..

 

try to be ok with being alone.
you will nurture your independence and work on some things you feel need work.

as for happiness.
dont try to quantify it.
happiness disappears the moment you try to define and measure it.
it is fleeting. you may not realize you even experience it.

distract yourself with something else.
do not dwell on your past relationship.

 

Get a job, Make some cash, thinking about work is always something,

Join a sporting team, attend training sessions?

These always make me think about something else

 

Read it all and i used to have a girl like "ashlie" but have now found my "kayla"
as seen as in my avatar.

You seriously need to get rid of ashlie WOW she ruined the best thing ever to raise some bastard child pardon my language but it is not your responsibility she saw you as a sucker and some lad out there is basically getting of scot free.

should set some plan's
Contact kayla apologise and be friend's for all you know she minght still think about you everyday and belive me it's better to go through life knowing what could be that going through life wondering what could have been and maybe just myabe she will have a bad experience with her boyfirned of now and turn to you, it's a long shot but will not hurt to try. But u seirously need to get single and maybe go on a lad's holiday to somewhere like majorca or kavos
Im 23 and life is just to short only seemed like yesterday i was leaveing high school (16 here in england)
I have a idea how you feel when thinking about kayla minute's feel like hour's and hour's seem like day's and it your heart beat's with a high magnitude contact will maybe make u smile and evern if she doe's say something bad it maybe she would understand one day maybe not but as ive already said it better to know what will happen than go through life wondering :S

need anything else send me a pm

 

Longest thing I've ever read tbh, why? Because this is actually interesting unlike useless books you need to read in english class. Okay my rants done.

OT:
I personally would've stayed with Kayla and tried to raise the baby with Ashley as well. One of my friends girlfriends purposely got pregnant just so that she could get him back. Fortunately he's looking to take some tests to see if it's actually his.
If you can't stop thinking about Kayla have you asked yourself "If I keep thinking about her, was my choice about going back with Ashley right?"

Talk with Kayla again ! It looks like the right and responsible choice

 

What have you got to lose in contacting Kayla? Tell her that truth and that te baby was never yours. Tell her basically everything you wrote here, how empty you felt when you let her walk away and how you totally regret doing it in te first place.
Don't give up, just try to talk to her again.

 

You need to think to yourself, "is this really what I want?" Tell her EVERYTHING, let he know exactly what's going on in your head, things tend to work themselves out for the best if you lay all your cards out on the table.

 

Wow, I'm surprised people actually read my massively long story, let alone replied to it! Thanks guys, that really means a lot to me, believe it or not.

I know you probably typed that up, but some parts of that sound like something you'd read in a fortune cookie haha.

You are right though. But I think it's human nature to dwell on our past mistakes (in my case, a relationship that I ended), and wonder "what if". I know what you mean, to not actively think about her, but without meaning to, my brain will wander over to thoughts of her if I'm not concentrating on something, so it's hard.

Good suggestions. Unfortunately, none of them worked . I have a job right now, working 40+ hours a week, making semi-decent money. Also going to college full time as well, so that's that.

As for sporting team, I play sports as often as I can. Truth is, I don't think of her, say.. in the middle of a heated pickup bball game, but I can't play basketball 12 hours a day unfortunately haha.

I'm glad you've found happiness man. Knowing someone else went through a situation similar to mine and came out happy in the end brings me satisfaction. Not for myself, but to know that you found someone amazing is good to hear.

I know I need to get rid of Ashlie right now, and I should despise her right now. The sad and pathetic thing is.. I don't. I don't HATE her. I do feel anger and resentment towards her for everything she's done. I still care about her, believe it or not, and would feel bad if I hurt her. This situation is more fucked up than I thought, isn't it?

I have been thinking about contacting Kayla.. I think I'm more scared of what she'll say than anything else.. Right now, I can't bear to think how I'd react/feel if she said "I hate you, don't ever talk to me again", or something along those lines.

I agree with you about the comment that life is short. I, too, feel like it was just yesterday that I graduated from high school.. Time is going by faster and faster, and I'm only getting older and older. It's so weird. When I was young, all I wanted to do was grow up and be older. Now all I want to do is be a kid again, young and naive.

You got most of the feeling, spot on. When I think about her, I get a feeling in my stomach as if I was freefalling from a plane. Not a good, rollercoaster like feeling, but a "Oh shit I'm going to hit the floor and die in 15 seconds" horror type feeling. Sometimes that feeling is enough to stop me in my tracks, since it's all I can concentrate on. I don't really know how to describe it.. But yeah, you are right.. the world slows down, and all I can concentrate on is memories of her and how much I miss her. A minute spent thinking of her feels like a day.

I can't believe you found that interesting, thank you .

As I know now, hindsight is 20/20.. Kayla told me she would be okay helping me raise the baby, and I ignored that. I guess growing up without a dad around the house 24/7, I didn't want to put my daughter through that. Honestly though, I blame Ashlie's mind games that fucked up my head, and made me think I HAD to be there for my daughter, and I couldn't be a good dad if I wasn't with Ashlie..

I've thought that multiple times. In fact, multiple times a day. I definitely feel like I made the wrong decision. Problem is, there's no undo button in life . Unless, you own a time machine, and I'll literally give you everything I own in order to use it.

Honestly? Probably my pride, that's one.. And the fact that if she rejected me, or didn't even want to talk to me, that door would be closed forever. Even if it's better in the looooong run, I think the devastation of knowing it's over for good would be too much for me to handle right now. I the only reason why I haven't just completely broken down is because I think deep down inside, somewhere, there's a small part of me that's clinging to a tiny glimmer of hope.. that somehow, someway, there's a chance we'll get back together, as absurd as that is.

Right now, just thinking of a future where she's permanently out of my life, and I'll never see her, or even talk to her again is pretty bleak. Depressing is a massive understatement.

As convinced as I am that being with her is what I want, I was also convinced that being with Ashlie/the baby was what I wanted, so I guess my feelings aren't worth jack shit.

I guess emptying out my heart to Kayla MIGHT get her to see things from my point of view, but what reason does she have to take me back? She has another boyfriend she seems to be very happy with, and I don't exactly have a stellar track record. She'd be giving up someone she's happy with, to get together with someone who has hurt/broken up with her in the past. In fact, she'd be doing pretty much the same thing I did between her and Ashlie..

 

Bump.

 

Heart wrenching story there man.. very well written too!

I don't understand your reasoning though, everything is peachy until this line:

You know, it's entirely possible to raise a child and be in a relationship with somebody else. I don't know why you thought that had to be the end, maybe Ashlie pressured you into thinking you had to be with her?

Also, you wanna know the best way to move on.. if you're still thinking about her 24/7.. Get in contact, just say you wanted to find out how she was doing, bla bla bla.. Tell her what you've just wrote here and in an instant you will know that you have no chance of making it happen. This will finally put your mind at rest and you can get on with your life.
On the flipside, you could perhaps pull off a 1/1,000,000 and deliver the most thought out, moving, emotional phone call that she will ever recieve.. and ultimately win her over.

You see, the way you broke up with her so suddenly, while being madly in love makes it so much harder to get through. You still have memories of her being perfect and the both of you being perfect for each other.

I can tell how passionate you are about her but if you're not man enough to do the phone call.. try to be a cold hearted son of a bitch and realise that love is just an illusion. Your perfect girl has moved on and is not so perfect anymore.

 

Really? I'm glad you think it's well written, I thought I was rambling on and on haha, thank you.

I know, you're completely right. It was totally idiotic of me to think that I can't be a good dad if I'm not with the child's mother. I shouldn't have given into Ashlie's manipulation, that was highly retarded of me. I partly blame my dad and the situation he left our family in, as that's the last thing I wanted to do to anyone. It's crazy how more than a decade after he ditched, I'm still feeling the effects of what he did, and it's still fucking up my life.

You're right though, if we had an argument and we broke up after that, it would have been so much easier to handle. But nope, life can't be that easy. We broke up on completely good terms. In fact.. the day before I broke up with her, she told me she loved me more than anything in the world. Just thinking about that makes me want to curl up into a ball and die. I can't believe I broke up with her the day after she told me that.. Want to know the worst part? I felt the same exact way about her, and still do.

I'm torn between calling her or not.. I've brought her enough pain already. The LAST thing I want to do is put her in a situation where she has to choose between someone she loved in the past and someone she loves right now. I had to do the same exact thing, and it didn't turn out well at all. What if she makes the wrong decision? (whether she picks me or him). She'll be tortured and miserable, like I am, and I'll be the cause of that suffering.

Life sucks. Alot.

 

My advice is move on completely, burn the bridge with Ashlie, I've had one like that before and see quite a few friends/acquaintances with the same issue. They're only there when the going is good and ruin it.

My 'bond' with my "Ashlie" was strengthened by the fact that I considered her my first real love and it always yanks at me even to this day. I see her very rarely now due to both of us moving from our original area, but when I do I still feel all riled up inside at what could've been if I didn't burn the bridge; I broke it off softly, she took it hard at first and wants to be good friends but I simply can't as I know what it entails even though she's a very nice person in general. As towards your feelings for Kayla, I haven't felt something like that for anyone except one girl who I flirted and kind-of dated when I was much younger and who I know I will NEVER have due to extreme extenuating circumstances beyond my control. The way I dealt with it was focusing on life goals, school, work, friends but still even every now and then it haunts me (not because I will never be with her, but the reasons why but I'm sure you understand). Synthesized happiness can substitute for the real thing until it's an actual realization but I don't recommend pretending to be happy when you're really not, I hope you understand what I mean.

 

Read the whole story. Now i won't even pretend to know what i'm talking about. I never was in a situation like this, but i think you should get in contact with her. I read that you are "afraid" of a bad answer. Think about this way. Do you want to spend the rest of your life thinking "What if?". Even if that will mean getting the answer you didn't want it should make you feel better. The "what if" thing can drive you nuts.

 

I've been in situations like this before (much less bad though) and I'd say contact Kayla. Just tell her everything, and I mean everything. Tell her the truth. I understand you're afraid of a bad answer, but it's much better than thinking "What if?" for along time (amusingly). I also understand you don't want to break up with Ashlie, but with all the pain she caused you, I WOULD! Now this may seem kind of terrible, but it could help you break up with her. Try building up resentment towards her. Just think of all the things she's done to you. That should help, it helped me in my relationships. I hope I helped you out, and PLEASE post if you break up with Ashlie/get back with Kayla. I really want to know because I was hooked reading this story, it was VERY well written. Good job

 

The best thing you can do is keep yourself occupied so you're not always thinking about her. It takes time, but gradually you'll get more and more used to being without her.

 

Read the whole story bro, and here's what I say:

Fuck all of it, you have to care about #1, yourself!

Dude, if you feel that you want to be w/ Kayla, then you need to tell her, what's the worst that could happen? She say no?

It wouldn't change your relationship status w/ her, and atleast she would know how you feel about her, and it MIGHT come back, but just sitting there watching time go by is no way to spend life, dude.

Fuck Ashlie, she is worthless, dump her and go live on your own, do something.

But all that matters in life....is....Did I make myself happy? it's what it all boils down to, and if Kayla makes you happy...go for it.

Remember...life is about the Pursuit of Happiness.

 

Sorry guys, been having a lot of issues rl, trying not to think about this problem, so I semi ignored this topic..

But yeah, the situation just got even more confusing. Turns out the baby MIGHT be mine after all. The other guy who could have been the dad just took a paternity test and it came back negative (0%), just like mine. So the lab fucked up one of the two tests, awesome. It's not like they're getting paid several hundred dollars for a simple DNA test. Nope, not at all.

So now I have to go find another lab to take the test again. If that one comes back negative, then I dunno where to go from there..

 

Personally, I would contact Kayla and tell her exactly what you have told us.
if you're scared that she will reject you it's better to do it now than later.
You said yourself that time heals all wounds which is what will happen with Kayla if you don't tell her now.

If you really DON'T want to contact her I would say do activities with your family. Maybe join a cooking class with Ashlie or something.
It'll create moments for you to remember with her.

 

If the baby is yours then its best to stick with Ashlie. But if it isn't yours, you should go talk to her and tell her everyway you feel about her, trust me I think she is thinking about you also. Even if you talk to her and get rejected, "Its better to know then to wonder" I think the best option is to talk to her, even if she gets angy Gl man, I really feel for you (I'm also in love)

 

I know you really love her, but does she really give it her all back?

She seems to be trying to hurt you, or maybe she is desperate, desperate as she can't look after the baby herself, or maybe she wants to help the baby.

If she broke up with you 15 times, do you know why? Think.

I'm sorry if I got you into a lot of thinking, but be calm, grab a drink - water only, no food, and think.

This is a life changing decision, I, myself can't think because I have never been in this situation, but I can try think what's it like.

List out all the pros and cons, and see which one is better, staying with her or not.