My problems

Well I don't know how to start out but I guess I'll go by sections.
There's alot I left out because I don't feel comfortable talking about.

Loneliness/Social Awkwardness: All throughout high school I always felt lonely. I had my group of "friends" but once I left to Peru I found out that they never even liked me and thought I was annoying. But fuck them that's not the point. I had a bets friend that I haven't seen or talked to in about a year and a half. I don't know much about him, just that he likes to play video games like me and lived an isolated childhood playing computer games. I miss him dearly, hopefully I will be randomly visiting him in a few days if everything goes planned.

I can't tell you the amount of times I've tried to join sports, go out with "friends" or let's just say acquaintances , spend the night at peoples houses, went to concerts, joined a club, randomly talk to people, etc. Most of these attempts failed. With the sports I was never good but I always tried my best and most kids on the team were assholes and made fun of me but whatever I stopped paying attention to them. Going out with friends, I was never even comfortable talking to them or I could never make conversation. With spending the night at their houses I could never ask them for anything, not something to drink or even to use the bathroom. Concerts.. just basically says it all. I can't talk to people at all. Clubs, I can't relate to people.

I blame my loneliness for living such an isolated life when I was younger and sometimes I have long periods of times where I'd rather be lonely then to be with anyone(and it's not a privacy thing). This is kind of something I need to find first before I can actually get any help for.

When In Peru I stopped going to school for about 5 months and just didn't go outside, I slept every day at 8AM and woke up at 9PM and did it because I didn't want anything to do with the outside world. I think about suicide all the time but I know my family would be very sad and I don't want them to feel like that especially on all the stress my mom has right now and they deserve better than that.



OCD: Well I won't go into much detail on this as you may all know about it already. I was "diagnosed" Last year after finally telling my mother I have been having thoughts on killing her. These thoughts I have always had since the age of 12 and are always unwanted.Most have to do with: Killing my family, random people on the street, raping children, newborn, Shooting up a school, Random racist thoughts when I see someone on the street or even to my own family and so on. When I get these thoughts I would generally not want to go outside at all because when I did I got the thought people could read my mind in a way of what I was thinking and I shut myself in for months, besides having to go to school. Anyways, besides the thoughts I had to put things in random order, wash my hands over 50 times a day, and just general anxiety. I can't talk to people, look them in the eye or go out without being paranoid about something. This is also to my friends who are reading why I can't find a job.

Once I told my mother, she took me to a mental hospital and I had a great therapist.. Only problem was that he was just visiting and I was assigned a new one. I then just didn't come back and stopped taking medications and I am currently looking into other hospitals where I am staying.

My Dad: Well right now I'm living with him but he was always an alcoholic and cheated on my mom, hit her, etc. They are divorced now and have been for many years. I am staying with him right now because I have no other choice and I was always one to defend him when my mother talked about him because I felt sorry for him in a way. I know he will probably have his same routine which is generally getting home, drinking a whole bottle of wine while listening to his music and going to sleep. This kills me inside because as I son I don't want to see him die lonely without being happy but I've been told many times to stop worrying about him because he decided to live like that. But in a way deep down I wish he would change and I'll cry the day I have to leave him. He does not want to talk to my mother, and he always talks to me and never with my brother or my other brother (which isn't his son) and it's awful how he has no relationship with them but only he can take notice of that. I have decided not to live with him because I don't want to see him drink himself to sleep every night but it hurts that I feel like I'm ignoring him and leaving him alone to die so slowly mentally and physically.


Another thing is that I generally have these sudden waves of happiness that last for 10-20 minutes and when I get them I feel on top of the world, like I can talk to anyone, do anything and I feel amazing. But they go away so quickly and it's back to feeling useless. Anyone get this?

Thanks for reading and please don't think of me differently.

 

First of all: I love you gohan

Now:
You certainly have problems, you've taken a strong first step, you've identified each of your problems correctly. You are socially awkward due to an isolated childhood (I can relate). You have OCD so you want to rape little boys, and you have an alcoholic dad.

First of all, I've seen you cut loose and be social and talkative in Tinychat along with our MSN convo's, you're a great guy and you should be as comfortable outside your house as you are with me and your other friends. Since you have this best friend, I would use him as a tool to connect me to the outside world, you can meet more friends through him and develop your social circle. I used to be socially awkward, I was the nerdy asian kid through various stages of my life.

You need to immerse yourself with GROUPS of people to find your niche. I've been friends with skaters, jocks, nerds, girls, stoners, etc. Through this, I've found friends amongst every group, when I first started to meet people I was socially awkward and quiet most of the time until I warmed up to the group. After that, I became very social and live a very happy social life now. You need to give it time so that you can understand how to interact, it is really a strenuous process and like I said, I can relate, but once you understand how to talk to your group you'll begin to meet people outside of it and become friends with almost everyone.

Just don't show your ass.

 

Try calling the cops when you're dad tries molesting you.

Also seek therapy for the OCD.

Social awkwardness is usually just needing to grow up but you could also seek therapy.

- Ph.D. in psychology

 

Obviously you don't have a PHD in reading.

Gohan; do the little happy moments occur very often? I sometimes get these myself but I get depressed much less.

This may sound cliched, but on the issue of talking to people, find ONE thing you have in common with them, it really, really helps me to relate to others.

 

Bro, you're awesome, and ily <3.

I'm not entirely sure what to say, other than I also have random racist thoughts, but i'm not racist. It depends on what crowd i'm with, if it's the mauritian folks when I look at white people I think that they are white. When i'm around the white folk I think black people are black, and vice versa. I don't think 'hey, that guy is black' when around black people.

With friends it's always quality over quantity. One or two good mates, that trust you and you trust them and like you is better than a big group of 'friends'.

Your dad needs to get help with his drinking problem, thats all I can suggest, and if he used to hit your mother it's best if they didn't see each other.


Ever want to chat? Hit me up on msn, anytime.

 

Another thing is that I generally have these sudden waves of happiness that last for 10-20 minutes and when I get them I feel on top of the world, like I can talk to anyone, do anything and I feel amazing. But they go away so quickly and it's back to feeling useless. Anyone get this?


I get them too Except for the feeling useless bit afterward. I want to find out what causes them so I can induce them more often.

About those occasional thoughts about killing people and racism... I'm pretty sure a lot of people have them, they just ignore them. I know I've definitely had detailed daydreams about killing my family. I know I don't want to kill them, they're just random thoughts that don't mean anything.