A rap that I just put togother in like 5 mins

I relize now that everyday someone will die.
Like the troops thats why I cry.
When they die a spirit goes to the sky.
Thier friends and families remeber when he died.
It sticks in the back of your head.
All you can seem 2 picture is him dead.
You wish he could here whats just been said.
Now that hes gone Hes rembered.
We hate the fact that he died because of september.
911 happend its a fact.
I wish I could have been there to have my friend back.
I'll someday be with my friend and the lord.
But as long as live i wanna stop the blood and gore.
This is a dedication to a friend.
I wish I could see him just one time again.
This was all freestyle no pad no pen.



Please give it a rate 1-10 as 1 being super horrible and 10 being perfect.

Hope to hear from yall it was a dedication to a friend of mine that died in iraq.

 

4 kind of gets sucky at the end because lack of rhymes. Try to make it long and have a crazy meaning behind it or something like that. Or Eminem style :laugh:

 

It's ok but could be better. (Try putting more emotion in e.g. crying -> tears)

@The Lord Of Runescape;
It dosen't have to rhyme.

 

Remeber I put like it in like freestyle basically if i wanted it to be off the wall i could. I might make another one. Thats straight crazy.


But thanks for the feed back guys!
Appreciate it.!

 

Any1 else wanna give me some information on how i could improve on this?

 

your lyrics are okay, but they are all saying the same thing really, add [email protected] and ill show you a few things.

 

Yea its a 16 bar verse. If i made it 3 verses and 2 chorus it would be aight. I can rap about diffrent stuff each verse. Thats the way i c it

 

I don't really like that 4 lines rhyme in a row... 3 can be ok sometimes, but 4 is pushing to for sure. So I'm not very fond of your intro.

And the lyrics are average -- nothing really great.

I'd give you a 6/10... Keep writing!

 

dang ppl in here are straight hard on you dang...

 

lack of rymes and all rap needs to be 100% mispelled for the lul

 

The freestyle does have a strong meaning behind the lyrics. He just doesn't use the right words to bring out better lyrics. Example would be lines one and four. Using practically the same word as an end rhyme tends to really brings down lyrics in most cases. The thought of using September 11th was nice, but just using September as an end rhyme doesn't help. Also, you put 9/11 after.
So when read aloud, it would be September. 9/11...
The Lords Of Runescape, define Eminem style? That is just a stupid comment. Just because it is a 16 bars freestyle, you want the author to incorporate drugs, killing, an excessive use of swearing, excetera into his rhymes?

I guess it is a mediocre freestyle for a normal person. ^_^
Just work on your writing skills. Reading really helps out too.
Before you post anything (anywhere), check at least 5 times, and try recite it aloud and/or to a few friends. That usually gives a good idea where your skills are at. Great idea, average freestyle. Anything more would need work.

 

What this dawg is a straight up G

 

This is way better than what I can do lol.

 

3 Out Of 10.

No Offense, but this shit is elementary.

The rhyming is a bit weak and you should try to expand the flow.

 

This is how you rap...


This is a shout out to those that died
It was a 9/11 crash that took too many lives
Mothers were weeping as the blood was seeping
never ever to see them again
yo we can try to stop all the pain
this is real life it's never been a game
so grab a cross or your shot gun
set um up 1 by one
shoot em up till we get the job done
this is war i can't even be your friend
trust no one that's the only way to win
from the soul no pad or pen
the best rhymes are stored within

 

Look Zack, your rhymes are short and you need to listen,
On the real man, advice is something you shouldn't be givin'
Talkin' your bars up, like they're on par for amazing,
You're crazy, time to wake you up from living a day dream
I'm not saying you got nothin', keep writing down,
But don't step up to others like you're the dopest rapper around
I got work in about an hour, but I'll drop back in again,
Just to keep this post on topic, I give a 6/10 for cain

 

I liked Zack's version better- the OP's version just isn't really my style.

 

could be better...