Poem/Spoken Word

We look to the sky,
We spit every rhyme,
We spend every dime,
On this crap that's pollutin' our minds,
All it does it remind,
Us of how far we have fallen,
Mass murderers from Hitler to Stalin,
It's like a spread of this corruptin' pollen,
Fills your mind with these thoughts of never stoppin',
Till' your hearts not beatin and you layin' in a coffin,
Six feet under with no chance of comin' back,
Now tell me how your stacks are gonna help with that,
Like Frank Lucas was helped by his crack,
Like Ben Johnson was helped by the track,
Like Biggie and 'Pac were helped when they spat,
Only to end up in a place in which that,
You could never imagine,
In a screwed-up society in which our president is hated by the clansmen,
In which there even exists a clansman,
In which even the worst of men can fall within,
The cracks and in a year can be home playin' his violin,
And in a year can be molesting another child,
Raping another woman with his face glued into a smile,
Killing another man and feeling forever beguiled,
Never feelin' remorse or despair,
He could go atop the tallest building and declare,
The wrongs he's done and will continue to do without shedding a tear,
And in another year, the truth is, no one would care.

What do you guys think?

 

dang...that's good.

props to you.

 

It would make a good rap song i like it.

 

Agreed, i read it in a rap way, if you catch my drift. ;D

 

Thanks for the good feedback.

 

ya it was good i liked it.

 

Good looks on all the comments.

 

Pretty good. 8.5/10.

 

What do you think I could do to improve it?

 

The only real thing I would change is to get rid of the "pollen" line. I really like the part about Obama...

 

I was thinking the same thing, yeah that's one my favorite parts too.

 

i think that was great. im not much of an artist but i didnt like the clansmen i didnt get it?

 

Reference to the Ku Klux Klan.

 

That's some good stuff right there. Keep working at it, though.

 

Nice it reminds me of a Fort Minor song, If you have ever herd of them im not sure.

 

Dylan', Thanks, and I will

acctrader, Yeah I have, my favorite song of theirs is 100 degrees.

 

I just didn't like the song sorry, and it puzzles even myself that I don't know what to say about it.

5/10

 

What didn't you get about it?

 

The subject of it was one that I just dont think goes good lyrically with what you wrote.

 

There is no one subject for the whole thing, it changes as you go along.