My attempt at a rap >.>

I would like collective critisism and yes i know it is not very good.

 

Basically it's random jiberish. make a few rhymes don't need to be every line) and some lead in's you started at one part then totally switched to a different subject.

 

Well it is my first time and it was freestyle so yes random.

 

I don't know a ton about rap but I'm pretty sure freestyle at least has lead ins they don't just randomly talk about different things.

 

... Cant say you didnt try?

 

Being it a freestyle I suppose it's not bad for your first attempt but seriously a rap has to be about something not just saying: Ima take my low rider out for a spin, then I'm gonna have some gin. If you want to improve on those to lines you should do something like this: Ima take my low rider out for a spin, Ima find some ho's order them to get in. Something like that =) Not bad though =P

 

Got that right.

You were not freestyling.
Freestlye = actually spitting to a mic.
You had time to think before you typed, and frankly thats a poor excuse.

Do not do nursery rhyme schemes:
A
A
B
B

You need to mix it up ie
B A
B A
C
C
D E F
D E F

work and play around,

Get 1 subject, and try to think about it, eg being a rapper and a genius:

You see when I spray my lines
I pause and think with my brilliant mind
I am a Talented guy
Like Einstein and Eminem combined
This time better 'cos I'm re-defined

I spit my bars and cause confusion
Leave you lost in my illusion
Im the better one - no exclusion
here borrow the mic that im using
You look lost, dreaming musing?
I cant be asked bro
I guess this is my conclusion

etc etc

listen to rap
Tupac, biggie smalls, narstie, D12/Eminem, Ja Rule, Immortal Technique, JEdi Mind Tricks, 50 cent (sadly) - just listen to them and examine their flow and their lyrics - you should get a better idea.

Good luck
and don't come back with anything similar to what you posted today.

 

Not bad for a first time.

I tried rapping and I couldn't think of any rhymes,

:S

 

Wow that is great help thanks!

 

best way to rap is put togather punch lines.

 

Your actually pretty decent, but you need help on your "transitions" as people would say. What that means is like.... switching between your subjects. Like, its hard to explain, but you should know what I am talking about.

 

i understand but i was bored so i made it ^__^ i am kinda random so i make random stuff like that rap lol

 

Heck, You Tried Right... Tis ok For a First time.

 

You need more metaphors/smilies and stuff thats not random jibberish.
Listen to Cassidy or some other lyrically methoprical ass moutherfucker to know what I'm talking bout.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SpdKGaETgvg

See me I spit like those herion bars
I take crack, sell it and make more then stars

smoke weed and trip and be with the stars.
and I aint talking bout no lupe fiasco
keep fucking trippin imma let that cali go
3 bullets at your dome like a kobe shot

my flow sick, i should spit nothing but snot
but im not i spit bars like tabs nigga pick up yo check
before you get hurt, twisted and without a deck
i drop the top on my drop just to earn me some repect

etc etc..

 

It looks a little bit over the top, maybe try relax it a bit more

 

I think its decent for first time. There are a couple flaws
Stay on topic.
Totally stereotypical lyrics IMHO.