Long distance relationships

I’m in a situation; my SO is playing basketball abroad, in China right now for another 4 months, and then maybe back to Puerto Rico for a year after he returns to the States.

It’s been difficult as FUCK. Has anyone been in an LDR? Did you make it work, or did it fail? What were the challenges for you?

 

Aslong their is trust you will make it work, but if you have any doubt or trust issues it will eat you alive honestly..

 

Well that's the thing. My SO is in a place where even if I trusted him implicitly, he could fuck a whole city and I'd never know. I can't turn trust on like a switch and leave it there. Some days I feel secure, others not. Some days we talk a lot, others it seems hard to reach each other. I feel like that's the cast in most LDRs so I wonder how other people handle it

 

I'm not sure how others do it honestly, my girlfriend took a short four month work contract in a city 200 miles away this past summer, which hasn't been considered long distance since the advent of the personal automobile, and it still sucked. Missed her constantly even though one of us would drive to the other every weekend. Best of luck to you. If you get the chance, for sure visit China to see him. It's an interesting place to visit.

 

I'm going in january, I don't think we could survive the full time apart if a visit didn't happen. That's what scares me too, it'd suck if it all just fell apart before I even got there

 

Wasn’t as long distance as yours, but I was in one for quite a while. We didn’t make it, not that it has any bearing on your situation. Our biggest challenges were the time difference making communication hard, and ultimately the indefinite wait with no clear path forward which broke us.

I think you’ll face the same issue regarding time difference, but there are work arounds if you’re both willing to sacrifice some sleep here or there. The fact this is only temporary will help you a lot in the long run. Counting down the days til your visit, encouraging each other during the rough times will help you get through it. I know it seems like forever, but just having a rough end date to the LDR helps.

 

If you both truly love each other it will work. If something happens it's just proof that the commitment wasn't all the way. Or at least that's how I look at it. Important is to talk frequently, but not too often. Make the conversations and phone calls casual so you don't make appointments for it, because that's rather unnatural and might not be ideal.

 

What's your sleep schedule like? How often do you guys speak?

 

It has helped to mentally count down. My SO doesn't respond positively to repetition, so calling him with "21 days! 20 days!" would 100% annoy him, but I know he's counting down too.

On the other side of it though, it almost makes it seem like a footrace. Who will win: the end of the long distance, or the end of the relationship due to anxiety, impatience, misunderstanding, and growing distance. I can feel the distance between us grow; we've only been dating for a year, and I knew him for a year before that. We are such different people, the unlikely opposites that seem to work well together, only it doesn't work as well when you remove the physical chemistry from the equation, and we don't have years of history to keep conversation fresh. It's becoming a repetition of "wyd, sightseeing, lemme see, [sends photo], that's cool you going to the gym?, yeah after this maybe, whens your next game?, next chip starts friday" (sometimes as one-sentence as that looks, sometimes lengthier, but in essence the same) and then we share memes, we sext once in a while, we complain about work, and that's it. No new experiences for 4 months.

And to expand on what I wrote above, I do love the dude, and when we are together, it's RIGHT. But simply put, things are never stagnant, they're either growing or shrinking, and it's hard to grow a relationship sans physical contact when you don't have a significantly long history.

We are 12 hours apart. My 2PM is his 2AM. I start my morning at 7AM waking up and getting ready for work, but I don't usually text him until I'm at work so I can make it on time. So I usually start conversation around 8:30 or 9AM, which is his 9PM. We talk through the first half of my shift, and he usually sleeps at like 3AM. I get off work around 6PM, take a nap, and go to the gym at 8PM, which is his 8AM, so he's usually waking up to go to the gym himself. We talk until I sleep at 11PM to midnight-ish.

Every day we got about 10 hours to talk. We don't always fill up that time. At this moment, he's at the club, so I'm not bothering him, and probably won't hear from him until 2AM when he's waking up from his hangover 2PM his time.

 

It’s hard not to view a long distance relationship in a negative light while you’re in the thick of it, so I understand the footrace mentality. Lack of a physical connection and that stagnant feeling can really wear a person down. I don’t blame you for feeling concerned about this. I’m sure things will get better after your visit, and when he’s a bit closer.

Until then - have you tried talking to him about this in detail? It’s a difficult conversation but I think it could help make things a bit clearer for you both.

 

Yeah we've talked about it. He's the world's most stereotypical dude, the only way he does feelings is with his rap music, or when he's gotten to an extreme point-- whether that be extreme anger from a fight, extreme sadness from loss, extreme happiness which isn't common. So these talks usually come after we get fed up with each other for a day or two

 

Honestly, if you’re already having these discussions and things don’t seem to be improving, maybe a break isn’t a bad idea. It’s clear the physical connection the two of you share is a key factor in the success of your relationship. With that missing, it feels like you’re both really straining to keep this together. Or at least you are.

 

Na a break will be permanent. I'm not in a terrible place, I'm happy generally, and we are usually ok, I can just feel the strain of the distance. Not to the point of breaking up, we're long off that point, so I want to see what people do to cope, and see if that helps me coast the rest of this out

 

I’m glad that’s a long way off for you both. You mentioned your routines earlier - they both sound very repetitive which obviously prevents there from being much to talk about day-to-day. I’d recommend trying to find a new hobby or go out with friends more often. Anything that may help take your mind off the distance/strain is good, and it may give you something good to talk about.

 

It's very difficult because you have to trust, and being away for so long lets your mind wander a bit too much. You have to be honest with yourself, Can you trust this person? Can you trust yourself to honor the relationship? Has he ever done anything to make you question their loyalty? If not, and you genuinely love this person you will either A: wait or B: move abroad? (I'm assuming that's not possible atm.) However, you should be able to tell your partner any issues you may have, then find a resolution without any friction.

TL;DR

Let him know how you feel.

 

I've done it for 7 months with my current girlfriend.

Communication is key. Tell them about your say, what you have done etc. We would call at least once a week and send lots of pictures to involve each other in our lives.

Small issues get blown up with distance.

Long distance is an amazing test of a relationship. But know it is like starting anew when they get back home. Be prepared for that!

 

I've been hitting the gym religiously for almost two months now, and sending photos of progress, which I've made A LOT recently, so that's good. I want to get into pottery. I was in an open workshop for the past few months and have only went three times. I don't like being in other people's space doing this, so I might buy a pottery wheel. It's only $600 for a new decent one. My SO supports that hobby too, he says he wants a whole new dinner set, the fucking faggot lol

I've been trying to move abroad, applying to a lot of design, web dev, and project management jobs in China, but not even a denial yet for three months, much less an interview. I speak mandarin chinese too, so you'd think I'd have a leg up.

Resolution without friction isn't possible, he likes drama, I told him to suck my dick yesterday when he asked for a favor, and he exploded about disrespecting him. I immediate apologized and said it was definitely just a joke, not an actual "fuck you, suck my dick", but he still grumped for a day. sooooo there’s that lol

didn’t think about how it’ll be when he comes back... that might be a tougher adjustment because I know he’s changed a lot while being there.

 

Update for any who cares, he broke up with me over Christmas, so I guess there’s that question answered

 

Honestly, it almost never works out. Small arguments that would've been solved easily tends to blow up due to no real communication etc etc.

Also, he's a scumbag for breaking up during christmas time.

 

Today is just a day, hurts as much then as it would have next month, to be honest I’m just glad he was honest enough to end it instead of cheating.

Either way, I told him I need to block him and move on immediately. Hurts too much to know he out there fucking bitches, and I don’t want to talk to him know every day passing he’s getting over me