Share your lengthy jokes

New one :

A fifteen year-old boy came home with a new Chevrolet Avalanche and his parents began to yell and scream, "Where did you get that truck???!!!"

He calmly told them, "I bought it today."

"With what money?" demanded his parents. They knew what a Chevrolet Avalanche cost.

"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars."

So the parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a truck like that for fifteen dollars?" they said.

"It was the lady up the street," said the boy. "I don't know her name - they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars."

"Oh my Goodness!," moaned the mother, "She must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on."

So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias! He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a new Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.

"Well," she said, "This morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a coffee break, but learned from a friend he had run off to Hawaii with his mistress and really doesn't intend to come back. He claimed he was stranded and asked me to sell his new Chevrolet Avalanche and send him the money. So I did."

 

Thanksgiving:
Kid hears parents arguing, from mum he hears bastard and balls. When he asks her what it means she says "bastard means boy because your dads a boy, and balls means hat because he left it at work today" and from his dad he hears "bitch" and "tits". When he asks him what it means he says "bitch means girl because your mum's a girl, and tits means coat because she bought an expensive one".

Later on, his dad is in the bathroom shaving. He decides to scares his dad, resulting in his dad cutting himself, and exclaiming "SHIT". When he asks his dad what it means, he says "it's another word for shaving, go downstairs; your mum's looking for you.

He goes into the kitchen and sees his mum stuffing the turkey. He scares her as well and the turkey falls on the floor. She exclaims "FUCK". When he asks her what it means, she replies "its another word for stuffing", go watch tv.

After a while, the doorbell rings. The boy answers the door, revealing all his relatives ( they have come over for thanksgiving). He tells them all:

Hi all you bitches and bastards, you can hang your balls and tits in the closet. My dad's upstairs shitting and my mum's in the kitchen FUCKING THE TURKEY.

Punchlines bold

 

Ok there are three guys that build skyscrapers for a living and keep in mind this is early 1900's.
Ok one is an Irishman the other is a Scotsman and the third is an Englishman.
So they meet every day on top of the sky scrapers to eat lunch and the Irish man opens his lunch and its ham on rye, then he says Man I f#@^ing hate ham on rye If I get this again tomorrow Im jumping.
The scotsman opens his lunch box and its turkey and mayo. he says I hate this if I get this again tomorrow Im jumping.
The Englishman opens his box and its tuna salad and he says well I kindalike tuna salad but Im bored of it if I get it tomorrow Im jumping.
The next day
The Irishman opens his pale and its ham on rye well he says F this and jumps they wait and here him hit the ground.
The Scotsman opens his lunch and its Turkey and mayo again he says F this and he too jumps.
The Englishman kinda laughs to himself and open his pale and its Tuna Salad so he jumps.
Three days later at their funerals the irishmans wife is talking to the scotsmans wife and the englishmans wife over heard him saying to the other if only hed said he wanted something different I would have made it for him..
The English women decides to but and say well he always made his own sandwiches.

Not meant to offend anyone.

 

Thats hilarious... heres another one i found hilarious!

A lady and her young son were travelling in a taxi in New York. As it passed a particularly seedy part of the city the boy was fascinated by the garishly made-up women who were walking along the streets accosting some of the male passers-by. He asked his mum what they were doing and she replied in an embarassed voice that they were probably asking for directions. The taxi driver heard this and said "Why dontcha tell the boy the truth -- in udda words they're prostitutes." The lady blushed and the boy asked her "What are pros.... what the driver said? Are they like other women? Do they have children?" "Of course" said the mother "Where do you think New York taxi drivers come from?"

 

Darkgrove Lol! so innocent xD
Jason - ROFL. Thats just fucking halarious rofl

@Pheonix - Taxi driver got owned - yes?

 

There were three daughters and they all wanted to get married but they couldn't afford it and neither could there parents. So the parents said "We will give you all a joint wedding and then you will all be able to get married".

So they got married and all three daughters then said "I want a honeymoon but we cant afford it". The parents couldn't afford it either so they deiced they would have the honeymoon at their parents house.

So on there honeymoon night their mother woke up and deiced to go downstairs and get a drink. On the way down she heard the first daughter screaming but she juts ignored it. When she reached the second daughters bedroom she could hear laughing and just ignored it. When she reached the third daughters room she could hear nothing and deiced 2 ignore it.

The next morning at the breakfast table she said to the first daughter "Why were you screaming?". And the daughter replied "Well mother you told me 2 scream when something hurt."

Then the mother said to the second daughter "Why were you laughing last night?" and the daughter replied "Mother you told me to laugh when something tickled".

Then the mother said to the last daughter "Why didn't I hear anything coming from your room last night?" and the daughter replied "Well mother you told me never to talk with my mouth full".

I thought it was pretty funny :] .

 

... wow. lol
ill have one up later

 

haha mcr that was great

 

I remember reading one about a Chinese guy and a panda.

Here:

A panda went into a Bar & Grill the other day for a meal. After ordering and consuming his lunch, he proceeds to take out a revolver and blasts the daylights out of the restaurant. Bullets were flying everywhere, windows shattering, lights exploding and all the patrons were ducking for cover! He then calmly wipes his mouth with his napkin and saunters toward the door.

The owner, shocked and appalled beyond belief, screams at him, 'What was that all about!!' The panda turns as he exits and disdainfully replies, 'I AM A PANDA, look it up!!'

The horrified owner goes to his office where he had a dictionary and finds the reference for Panda.

"A large mammal, resembling a bear, native to Western China, eats shoots and leaves!"

 

haha very clever

 

lolz mcr yours was really funny

 

b1b ... rofl. genius made my wet morning (so wet infact- i couldnt see the color of the 3rd car in front of me during my paper round. Wet to the touch)

 

lol, nice one

 

rofl, man these jokes are pretty good

 

wow chanceleers was so funny