I need to cry this out.

First of all, i'm venezuelan, and i am still living here. With all those endless problems you can see in the news.

This have been happening too ofteen since 2016
I just stop and look at me and what i am doing and... get so disappointed of myself.

When i was little, i used to enjoy studying. I remember telling my parents i was ment to be a scientist or an historian. I was a lonely child, but i didn't care because i was too busy, studying so I could do big and interesting things when i grew up. But i grew up and life showed me that dreams are really hard to achieve; that this world just sucks.

I signed for law school. I took differents jobs, since my dad decided he wasn't paying my college. It worked for a while, but the economy started to become ... odd. Prices started to rise so quickly. The government set up a hard currency control and the local currency started losing its value. I left college because i had to work [No job = No money = No college/No food]

Later, i signed in a tech school, because i didn't wanted to waste my time doing nothing. I didn't lasted; i lost my job because the lady boss decided i wasn't her kind of people [i was too smart and simple, aparently. She like those gossip, silly girls who wasted the time with make up and mirrors].

I took part time jobs and used my savings to get a new laptop, because i knew the raising inflation was going to eat my money.

Then, 2013 happened. Hugo Chavez passed away and then, my first time voting in a presidential election. The chance to get rid of a terrible government. I was excited, like everyone else at home. We stayed at my grandma's house, all together, waiting for the results.
That nigth, a men came to our front door. He was carrying a gun, and other three armoured guys was hidden in the bushes.

They locked us in a bedroom. I was frozen, i was afraid my baby niece started to cry and make them nervous and more dangerous. They took my phone, my laptop, my backpack with my clothes; aimed to me with a gun, since they wanted the boxes of my devices. I just watched how they took everything they could from my grandma's house. We remanied kidnaped inside our own house for two hours.

I couldn't even cry my frustration when they left; my sister was having a attack, high blood presure. Some one was to take care of the baby.

That nigth, those mens... That was the bussiness card of Nicolas Maduro and his horrible government.

One month later, i was feeling... afraid of living. I didn't wanted to step a foot out of my house. I decided, the best treatment for my fears was stop thinking, get me so tired i didn't have the time to see how terrible was being me. I signed for a year of military service in a paratrooper unit.

It was like turn back to been a teenager. All those "new young adults" were around 18-20 years, and since i look younger than i really am, they thought i was the same age. I started to beleive that too.
I injured my leg, it's a lesion that will be with me for ever. So, I never became a paratrooper.
From May2013 to May2014 i did nothing but work.

When my service year came to its end, the economy was even worst; but i was feeling better, with new strengths, ready to start living again. I got part time jobs and did as much as i could to save money for a new attept to study. But i failed.

The food shortage started to kick my stomach. I had to start waiting in long lines to buy food; or get the food overpriced from smugglers.

At the end of 2015 my brother came home, he announced his girlfriend was expecting and now she was living with us. I wasn't happy at all. There wasn't a decent income to feed everyone, and a pregnant woman have special needs.

My fears was founded; the first months of 2016 were like hell. No matter how much my brother and i worked, there was never enough. When the mangos were in season i started carrying empty bags in my pockets, so i could pick the fruit up from the streets and the gardens of the good people who allowed me to get in. We were feeding a family with mango. The well being of the unborn child depended of how much fruit i picked up in a morning.
I ate so little that year, i lost around 7kilograms.

When the baby decided he wanted to born, i couldn't even afford the taxy to take the girl to the hospital. I had to ask the driver to take them there, told him i was paying the day after. He accepted, i asked for money to a friend to pay the cab.

Two days later i was happy all i did was worth it. My brother came back with the newborn, the doctors told he was healty.

The doctors were wrong. The day after, the kid had a intense fever and pain, he cried hours. My brother is too proud to ask for help, but i am not. I started nocking on the door of all our neighbours, asking who could give them a ride to the hospital. By the morning, my baby nephew was held in the newborn care unit of a bigger hospital. He was presenting the clinical features of viral meningitis.

We did everything. We hunted the medicines all over our state, we got some of them from social media groups. I had to ask to all my relatives who worked in health, just to get a couple of bottles of saline solution.

Two months of hell later, the boy was back home. All healthy. [He is one year old now. He walks, he runs, he laughs. Just one year later, there are so many children dying in this country, i can't stop thinking it was a luck he was sick then and not now]

After all that struggle, i had to say bye to my sister and her kids. They moved to Colombia.

A little part of my says i should feel strong, says that i am strong. But the other part, the bigger one, makes me feel sad and down. Since 2016, i've had so many suicidal thoughts...

That voice inside that cries out "This is not what you wanted for your life" when i find myself weak and hungry on my bed, trying to sleep to avoid the stomach roars. "You are 28 years old and you have nothing!" it says- And it's rigth. I have nothing, but the burden of my useless self, the pain of my useless leg, and the strong desire to vannish.

But dying... dying is expensive. When someone dies unexpectedly you can see their family, beggin at the bus, trying to fund the money to bury their son, their father, their brother...

I'm doing what i can to scape the hell out of here, but everyting goes so slow...
Sometimes i just cry...and sleep and try to forget.

If you have read all this... i'm sorry, i just needed to take this out

 

Man, whatever happens never hurt yourself, i've attempted suicide 4 times, now 3 years later i'm 16, and i feel VERY VERY bad for attempting that, still am mad about it.
My life is so beautifull now, just have patience and it all will get beter, you can try moving to another country do whatever you want and MAKE SURE you have someone to talk with, and if you don't got someone add my skype/pm me and we can talk via skype,whatsapp, call WHATEVER you preffer ill get it done ;3

Life is too beautifull to throw it away
Suicide is never a answer, life is a gift from your parents and god, however your life is, you can always beat it just put your mind to it.

Everyone is gonna be so sad if you do something to urself including me, it'll all get beter, just stay strong!

 

I don't desire to do that to my family, that's why i decided to leave. If i can manage to leave i will fin things to do, ways to help. But if i can't, i will go really insane [which is a problem, the medicine shortage is affecting mental patients]

A neighbour just killed himself some months ago, it was picture of what would happen to those who i love if i hurt myself. It was the scarier thing i ever seen.

Thank you for your words. Really.

Thank you. It's a strong video, i feel touched.

 

You thank for your words man, speaking about it is beter so you have more people's opinions, if you ever need help pm me ill stay 24-7 awake for u so we can talk, chill watch a movie etc ;D always there for you brother

 

i dont know what advice to give you but i'm so sorry to hear what you are going through on a daily basis. wish i could help

 

You only fail when you give up Arnie. Keep working hard, you're getting closer and closer to success.. The more you "fail", the faster you succeed. Just think about the bright side of the path.. that you will get out of this situation by any means necessary. And when you do, a whole new world will be given to you. For you to enjoy. You will then reflect back on your past and be happy at how far you've come and how you managed to get out of a sticky situation. Hard work pays off.. just look at how you saved your brothers baby.. You strongly believed and worked hard to get that baby to a hospital. Now do the same for your goals.. Believe & Work hard. Never give up.

 

Hey whats your skype? Ever need anyone to talk to? im always happy to chat! been in a similar situation to your self im happy to help where i can

 

@Arnie As a Venezuelan myself I feel the same as you and I have lived similar situations, you should in all honesty, work right here in sythe, selling 07 gold, doing services or whatever, I can help you if you'd like. and being honest, a country, and a goverment like this, doesnt deserve people like you and me , we're not slaves, sincerely you should try to save money and start over in Colombia.

 

The only valid advice is leaving and i'm working on it. Good wishes are good help, by the way ~

Thank you for your words. I haven't give up yet, but aparently everytime i manage to accomplish a step forward, an invisible hand push me two steps back.
Even with that, i see progress...

I have been enslaved to my drawing board for 2 months now, i got clients, i raised money... :/ My problem is not finding a way to get an income.
You know what keeps me from success? Payment procesors! Half of my earnings are stuck in Payoneer [they wont let me to touch them untill i hit 200USD, WTF], a quarter of my earnigs were put into get bitcoin to generate an uphold card and finally get my own PayPal [that's a personal achievement, you know]. I made art like a crazy person and i just have access to a quarter of my earnigs. That is so-fucking-unfair.
[Just being curious, did you emigrated yet?]

 

@Arnie I havent emigrated yet, Arnie, thought I have plans In doing so. Regarding payment procesors, gotta say it is hard to find someone willing to recieve payoneer $ and if they do, they will underpay you, and you're probably aware of that by now, your best choices are cryptocurrencies, or plain paypal. I understand you're a graphic's artist why dont you try to sell some of your gfx services in here, our other forums etc. you'll be recieving money instantly. Im also curious, what are you doing exactly? Using Fiverr? freelance work pages like that?

 

Hello arnie i am in a very similar boat to you and pretty much same location if you would like to talk message me i would love to share my experiences and see if we could help each other

 

Well, i'm an illustrator, but its something i do for fun, so i'm no professional. I announced emergency artsales on places like Furvilla or Subeta, and most of the buyers happens to be girls who are after "cute, cute" art of their virtual or real pets (i consider myself good at drawing animals and children). But here in codex people is more into need graphic desing and badass stuff, i think is because the population is mostly male, i don't know.
I created a fiverr profile, but as i said, i'm no competition for the professionals that adver their art there and for cheap. Their prices are so cheap is a nigthmare for any artist.
Still, i see little progress, and i'm 120USD from my goal.

 

Another Venezuelan here sending you good luck! Idk what are you going through since I'm going through similar stuff... ¡fuck maduro and his shitty combo! ¡we are going to make it!

 

Hope you are doing good, bro.
We need to get rid of those pests on the government.

 

How's your situation doing bud? Any better? Any closer to getting out of there and starting off new somewhere else?

 

Better, thank you.
I finally managed to have my own paypal, and im halfway the goal of the bus ticket.
And... in the mean time, i can afford food for my family of 5.
But art commissions are low, so i'm scanning the internet for new places to advertise.

 

Glad to hear that man!
Message me on here, Maybe we can work something out! I need some art done.

 

Feel free to message me if you'd like to talk. I'm, sorry.

 

what is it that you actually do for work?