Official Jokes Thread

whats the same about a fat chick and a moped??








THEYRE FUN TO RIDE UNTIL YOUR FRIENDS FIND OUT!


hehe......i really dont give a fuck if i offended anyone.

 

How do you fit 100 jews in a car? Someone posted this before and said - throw a quarter in the car. My answer is..

Open up the ash tray.

~Magma Force.

 

why did the chicken cross the road... i will give 2m whoever answers this correctly!!!!

 

to get to the other side

 

yay i win the 2mil yay!!!!

 

Your momma is so fat...because thats what she said. -.-

 

your moma so fat when she goes to wal mart she trips on k-mart and lands on target =P

 

=====-----======----some of these ar epretty funny-----======-------=======
101 Ways To Annoy People
1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.

2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."

3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."

4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip..."

5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.

6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen. <

7. Speak only in a "robot" voice.

8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.

9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub".

10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 98 copies.

11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.

12. Sniffle incessantly.

13. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.

14. Name your dog "Dog." 15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."

16. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."

17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training."

18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace".

19. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot."

20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with Lysol.

21. Practice making fax and modem noises.

22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc:" them to your boss.

23. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

24. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.

25. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person."

26. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with the prophesy."

27. Wear a special hip holster for your
remote control.

28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.

29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

30. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.

31. Give a play-by-play account of a persons every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice.

32. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.

33. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."

34. Drum on every available surface.

35. Staple papers in the middle of the page.

36. Ask 1-800 operators for dates.

37. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright warnings.

38. Sew anti-theft detector strips
into peoples backpacks.

39. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.

40. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.

41. Set alarms for random times.

42. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.

43. Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.

44. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.

45. Honk and wave to strangers.

46. Dress only in clothes colored Hunters Orange.

47. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.

48. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.

49. Wear your pants backwards.

50. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.

51. Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"

52. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.

53. only type in lowercase.

54. dont use any punctuation either

55. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.

56. Pay for your dinner with pennies.

57. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.

58. Repeat everything someone says, as a question.

59. Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps.

60. Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/ O.J Simpson conspiracy theories.

61. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, its gone now."

62. Light road flares on a birthday cake.

63. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.

64. Leave tips in Bolivian currency.

65. Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador."

66. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.

67. When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained.

68. Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One."

69. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.

70. Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.

71. Pretend your computer's mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.

72. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.

73. Drive half a block.

74. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.

75. Ask people what gender they are.

76. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back.

77. Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern drawl.

78. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes".

79. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song.

80. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head. like a parakeet.

81. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.

82. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.

83. Change your name to "AaJohn Aaaaasmith" for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each "a."

84. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

85. Chew on pens that you've borrowed.

86. Wear a LOT of cologne.

87. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing."

88. Sing along at the opera.

89. Mow your lawn with scissors.

90. At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!"

91. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend."

92. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.

93. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something
about "psychological profiles."

94. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture."

95. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.

96. Never make eye contact.

97. Never break eye contact.

98. Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.

99. Construct your own pretend "tricorder," and "scan" people with it, announcing the results.

100. Make appointments for the 31st of September.

101. Invite lots of people to other people's parties.

 

You Must Be A Redneck If
* You recycle your own toilet paper

* Your mom has to shave more times a month than your dad

* You see a bill board that says "Don't do crack" and it reminds you to pull up your pants.

* You stare at a carton of orange juice because it says "concentrate."

* Your bumper sticker reads: "One more Whore and We Get Gore."

* The nativity scene you set up in your yard at Christmas includes two pink flamingos and baby Jesus lying in a painted tire.

* Most of your teeth are on a chain around your neck.

* You hunt from your bedroom window.

* Your dad walks you to school because you're in the same grade.

* You refrigerate your food stamps.

* You use a 10 penny nail to pick your teeth after a night of road kill.

* You have ever dressed your child as a "Snot-rag" for Halloween.

* Your idea of a loaded dishwasher is getting your wife drunk.

* You and your spouse get divorced and you are still relatives.

* You go to your local ice cream store and order Copenhagen "sprinkles" on your cone.

* You know instinctively that red wine goes with opossum.

* You're always looking to find your Mother-in-Law's picture on the back of a milk carton!

* The officer that just pulled you over asks if "you have any I.D."..and you respond "About whut?"

* You take a beer to a job interview.

* You are caught roll'n your trailer down the street to jump start the heater.

* When you finish eatin' your bologna you use the rind for dental floss.

* You go to Goodwill to meet women.

* You and your friends are putting an engine in a pickup, drinking beer, and the conversation is: Which county jail has the best food!

 

Theres a little Mexican boy and he decides he wants to be just like white people, so he covers his face in flour and runs to his mom to show her what he did.
"Mommy! Look, I'm white now, aren't you proud?"
To which the mother smacks him as hard as she can and tell him to go show his grandmother.
"Grandma! Look look, I'm white!"
To which the Grandmother smacks him as hard as she can and tells him to go see his father.
"...Uh..Daddy? I'm white now..look.."
To which the father smacks him 3 times as hard as he can and asks "Now what did you learn from all this?"
the boy thinks for a second and then replies
"I've been white for 5 minutes and I already hate Mexicans."

 

why did the chiken cross the road....

....to get to the other side hahahahaha

 

why did the rooster cross the road?



to get to the other side.


LflAMFMAMfaMAfOAoa AAHAHhahahahaha lmfao roflmfao !! E31

 

lol thats racist but funny, good joke though

 

i got 1, its off south park
pony was angry with kyote, pony said to eagle
"can you yell at kyote for me"
eagle said "sure, but why cant you?"
pony said













"because i am a little horse"

 

^ You fucking fail

 

got another 1
there was a rich man who lived in darwin(thats in australia)
he invited everyone on his street to a party at his 2 story
mansoin, including jimmy the aboriginal, later on at the end
of the party the rich man said he'll give 1 million dollars to
some one who jumps in that pool out there and fights the 6
foot crocodile in it, every1 went out there and it was silent
all of sudden there was a splash and jimmy was in the pool
fighting the croc, puching kicking, biting poking it, every1 was
cheering, jimmy got out of the pool exhausted, and the croc f
loated to the top of the pool on its back dead, the rich man
congratulated jimmy and said well ill go get your money, jimmy said
na its alright mate
the rich man said no i will
jimmy said na its fine, keep the money
the rich man said ok ill give you anythign you want
and jimmy replied



































all i want is to know who pushed me in!

 

^ You fucking fail even more.

 

Okay, so I saw this somewhere .. DONT GET OFFENDED.. though if you do, I don't care .. I probably don't even live in the same state as you .. because WE DONT HAVE STATES!!

Anyways ..

Whats the different between a bench and a mexican?
The bench can support a family.

What's the different between a black man and a bucket of *isht*(c)?
The bucket.

Why do black people like basketball so much?
Because they get to shoot, steal, and run.

:]

Lol.

 

Aids are really forever.

 

A husband runs in from work one day and shouts excitedly to his wife
"I've won the lottery, pack your suitcases!"
The wife looks ecstatic and asks
"shall I pack for the beach or the mountains??"
The husband replies
"I don't care, just F off!"

Hehe. :]