haha old book i was doing

haha old book i was working on, decided it was lame so i stoped working on it but i decided to post still, i didnt even finish the first chapter lol

Long ago , in ancient Egypt, a war broke out. The great mages learned the magical law.
A time of peace followed it, but one person soon manages to put the law of magic all into one ball of energy. The great mages tried to destroy it, but they couldn’t, and the great mage Seto was after it. He was the one to make it, but the mages took it away before he could use it. If he ever gets it the result would be catastrophic. The mages took the law, but whoever used it would be instantly darkened with the great power.
Seto craved for this power, but when the mages refused to give it to him, he gathered the dark forces known as the necromancers, a group of dark mages who used power of undead, sucked life out of people, or used curses sometimes resulting in instant death. He taught them one of his most prized powers, it was known as Usafi’er, it made it so anytime a person that knew this power killed someone, the dead body would regain all the human qualities except for the ability to think for itself, the killer was the often called “the string holder” for he used the dead man as a puppet, they would follow any command you give them.
Soon he had a army of the Usaferers, the body’s that is controlled by Usafi’er, he used it to wage war. Anyone who fought Seto died, he was to strong, and the worst part is whenever someone died to him, there body was his puppet! But 3/5 great mages, or so they think, still remained in there own favor, and still served for the light. But Seto was after them, and no one lived once he decided for them to die….
“Tonight, this hell will end, AND I WILL BE IN COMMAND” yelled Seto. “The mages have failed, the law is soon to be in my right hand, as my left holds the strings to the mages! The yellow, red, and blue mage are on that string right now, and the others don’t even know the blue mage is, he will open the gates to the mages temple, KILL FAST, KILL MERCELESSLY! LET THE MAGES DIE!” Followed by this was nearly 10,000 of his men yelling, and cheering in joy, they wanted the bloodshed. Seto continued yelling “ when the clock hits 12:00 the door to the mages temple will be opened and the law will be mine!” more cheering, yelling, pure hatreds joy rang threw the air for nearly a minute, Seto smiled and whispered “the power will soon be mine”
“Rikuro… we should move the law” said the white mage, Jorane. The green mage, Rikuro, replied “I agree, it is only a matter of time before Seto invades the temple, he is strong enough to get the law by now, if he gets past the outer walls. Should we tell old bluewy?” Jorane replied “his name is Hikuo, and no, I still don’t trust him after he stole my girlfriend… and we should keep this secret.” Rikuro said “lets put it in the forbidden chamber, Seto would never think we would go in there….”

 

A book on Runescape? Clever.

 

I read the first sentence and stopped.

 

lol... who said it's about runescape...?

Here, i'll do you a favour and critique it

Often throughout the passage, you were switching between present and past tense. You actually used the phrase: "made it so that..." BIG mistake, not at all appealing to a reader.
and... another terrible mistake was that you wrote "when the clock hits 12:00"... they had no clocks.


I'm not trying to flame you, just trying to give some future advice.
Show this to deacon frost,... he'll kill you XD... he's sort of an english fanatic... as am I.

so yeah, i don't like it at all, not the plot or the way it's written, but that doesn't change my opinion of you, i still think you're a cool guy
[one of the reasons is because i've made more than half a dozen stories similar to this, all of which i made the same language errors as you had. i have since developed greater skills ]

good luck on future writing! the good thing is... that you actually enjoy it. i myself do enjoy writing, but i never get far in them. i go through dozens of different plots trying to find a good one. i just recently thought of one i would call "the patent" which of course would be: about these 2 guys both racing to finish a certain product and get a patent on it before the other could . i haven't even started that yet.... maybe i should

.... but then i got sidetracked and began writing another one. i recently read a lot of chuck P. [wrote fight club] and i really appreciate his style of writing. i'm writing the one i'm working on right now with a bit of his style incorporated into it...

Anyway, continue writing. someone who likes writing is hard to come by... i hope you post more sometime.


**yes i do realize this is "old" , and i appreciate that you have posted it

 

"Long ago...we would go in there." That just about sums it up for all whom didnt want to read this

 

its not really that great, but wutever

 

haha thanks lol, I will keep this in mind for future books, I hated this one XD thats why i stoped there

 

LOL as soon as u said book i quit

 

I read two sentences.
Perseverance for you aye.

Fuck, it was all over the place, you=fail,etc.

 

hmm... next story i write, i'll post it here and make sure you take a look at it