I cant seem to break my addiction

I always thought that people who were addicted to something were just being weak minded and just didn't want to stop. Well now that i'm experiencing it first hand I see that I was completely wrong. It all started back in early January. A good friend of mine who I consider a brother moved in with me since he had nowhere to go. He was selling heroin and did it also. I had made an agreement with him that he would not sell it out of my house nor do it at my house. I smoke weed and always told myself I would never touch that stuff. I went through a rough patch with not having a job and my mom getting on me about that. I don't blame her though since i'm 18 and not doing anything with my life. I try to get a job and fill out applications but never follow through with it after that. I hate myself and what I am. After being told that we were being evicted and had 60 days left to find a new place my mother really started being harsh to me. No matter what I do i'm always the main thing to all her problems in her eyes. One night after her drinking she really got on me saying that i'm nothing but a failure and that I will never amount to anything. The usual things she says to me. What really got to me though was her saying that i'm the biggest mistake she's ever made in her life. I got up and left.

My friend was out with his girlfriend at the time so I called him to pick me up. When he did all I wanted to do was get high. I had no weed but he had some heroin. I asked him to hit it a couple times saying this would be the only time I would do it. That's where I was wrong and to this day I regret smoking it. He asked me if I was sure I wanted to do it and I said yes. Sadly I really liked it and continued to smoke it. I did it for about 5 days straight and he told me I needed to stop. So I took his advice and stopped for 2 days. After 2 days, I said hey see i'm not addicted I can stop at any time. I started up again and have taken 2 breaks from it. The first time I detoxed and it hurt like a bitch. I stopped for about a week then things got bad for me again. I made the mistake of not caring about anything and started up again. The 2nd time I stopped was about 2 weeks ago. I was sure this time that I was going to be clean and stop it. I was wrong.

3 days ago, I had a really bad day. I called my friends girlfriend and asked her if she could get me a half gram. She picked me up and got me it. I smoked about half of it that night and the rest of it yesterday. I bought a 30 sack last night and have been smoking it today. I just finished it about 20 minutes ago and now I just want to kill myself. I have these thoughts often but i'll never go through with it. I hate what i've become and who I am today. I don't plan on buying any more but I just know that i'll relapse again. My mother doesn't know i've done it but I think she has her suspicions. I just don't know what to do with my life anymore. I want to get a job, I really do but I just can't seem to follow through with it. I honestly don't know why either. I've thought about trying to get into rehab but that would mean my mother finding out i've been doing it. I don't know how she would react and i'd rather not find out. Heroin has been the biggest mistake of my life. I have nobody to talk to either. I feel so lonely and I hate it. I wish I could at least get counseling or therapy but I can't afford either. I'm high right now and full of regret. I just needed to tell someone so I turned to you guys. Please, don't ever try heroin. It's nothing but trouble. I just really needed to get this off my chest. I hope I get clean and find something positive in life. Thanks for reading this if you did.

 

This honestly made me really sad mate, i hope you overcome this. i really do.

 

Hope you, get right man.

 

right there with you. the only reason i'm not oozing money out of every hole in my body right now is because of drugs.

 

You need to get some serious help, I am here for you for and understand you but I think you should seek help before it gets worst.

 

Have you tried subutex? It's known as a miracle drug for overcoming opiate addictions.

 

I've tried suboxine. It kind of helped but not really to be honest. I only took 1 strip though.

 

damn man i hope you get fixed

 

try to post this in personal support forums here on sythe. OT: I hope you get over the addiction once youfind out what you're special at. If you upset your mother you can redeem yourself

 

This'll probably do better in personal support rather than here, but no biggie. Anyways, you know deep inside that you have to break that addiction. Do it for somebody meaningful in your life. I know you said your mother said horrible things to you. Try to push those hurtful thoughts aside. She is your mother after all, and you know you love her still. Seek help if you can't do this alone. It may seem embarrassing, and could potentially hurt/upset your mother, but in the end, it's help to make you a better person. She would understand that you're at least trying to help yourself if you get counseling/rehab. Just hang in there, and keep us updated on your progress.

 

I can relate to your story a lot, admittedly I've always told myself heroin and meth not even once but I've been addicted to both ***** (x a n a x) and MXE (a research chemical/designer drug similar to ketamine).

I already had pretty bad anxiety so when I discovered ***** it was a dream. I finally had cured my crippling anxiety that had held me back all these years. All it took was a cheap tablet and I'd be able to take on the world. Eventually tolerance started to build, my anxiety crept back and with a kick. I started to get panic attacks which I had never experienced before, lost sleep and wasn't able to leave the house. I tried to up my does but as time went by they didn't last as long and I was getting panic attacks while at school. Eventually I started seeing a therapist and knew it was time to give it up. The withdrawals were hell, I couldn't enjoy anything in life, the only thing that could stop it all was heavy drinking or more *****. My love for marijuana was no more, I'd end up in a fit of panic after just one hit. It got better though, after a couple weeks the sickness past, my real emotions came back, I was no longer some zombie and I could enjoy my weed again .

I have relapsed since, my mum got a script for valiums and I do feel terrible about this still but I stole from her to service my addiction. A normal night for me during this period would be a few valiums mixed with a few drinks. After doing this daily I became very depressed and tried to end it all. I took all the valiums I had left (10) combined with some vodka shots hoping to end it all. Ironically it was probably my tolerance to the both that I'm still alive.

After all that I told myself I'd never touch a benzo again, and I haven't. I feel a lot better overall and a much more well rounded person. My experimentation with drugs didn't stop there though, I had access to the darknet which meant any drug I knew about and plenty I didn't were at my finger tips.

MXE was a whole new game, I was convinced I had it under control, convinced I was medicating my depression and anxiety. I was very much psychologically addicted it took over my life. I was doing it all day everyday, I did take one day breaks to prove to myself I could, but did convinced myself to cave a lot of the time. I probably would still be getting high right now if it wasn't for how lucky I got. My MXE order never arrived, lost in the post probably (i hope) and it took me a whole month of abstinence of how much it ruined my life. I ruined my relationship with my SO and my mum no longer trusts me. Luckily I work in a pretty relaxed environment because I highly doubt I would have been able to keep my job at the time. I've had to call in sick due to being too high before, utter embarrassment.

I hope you check yourself into rehab, get on a methadone or subutex treatment (it's gonna take more than just one most likely) because there's only 2 ways out of this.

1. You get put in jail.
2. You get put 6 feet under. You're dancing with death, that next hit could be cut with something nasty like fentanyl. You just can't know.

As time goes by the less action you take the bigger the hole gets and you will ruin all your relationships with everyone. Your mom will find out, she probably already knows but doesn't want to believe it. I don't think you'll get much help on here but there are places.

http://www.reddit.com/r/OpiatesRecovery/
is a good one.

Good Luck.

Can't think of a worse idea, one should not take potentially mind altering substances to make important life choices let alone while going through opiate withdrawals. Tripping while being dope sick does not sound fun. If you actually read/knew what you were talking about you'd know that that kind of drug could possibly cause a perspective change and as OP said he wants to quit, I don't think he needs to change his mind on that. Taking DMT won't cure dopesickness.

 

the forum censored me saying X A N A X for some reason. Also heroin is a depressant so is probably a factor to why you feel that way. Not that your situation isn't shitty in itself.

 

Interesting how IDENTICAL your story is to mine. It started with i'd never do it, my boys sold it. I always said no, then my parents were going through a divorce, they were both on me heavy yelling at me constantly, so.. I bought .2 and smoked it and LOVED it. So I woke up the next day, regretting my choices and didn't touch it again for two weeks. This is now about early November. I ended up trying it again, but I was buying hits from my friends, over a week I binged. Then around Christmas it got WAY worse. I started buying .5 every day, smoking it before work, after work, all night. This cycle carried on until Feb 5th, 2015. I was smoking and my friend was shooting up.. He stopped breathing, o'd right in front of me. I called the ambulance and they gave him a narcane shot and he woke up.. I was so scared I had just lost a friend that I had known since I was 5 (I'm 20). Two days later, I packed up my clothes, and moved to Florida. I've been here since Feb 9th, and clean. Let me tell you, getting off heroin is the hardest thing I have ever had to go through in life. Every day I will still think of the taste in my mouth and get cravings. But I don't act on them anymore. I know that I WILL lose control again, and I was always the guy who said "I can't get addicted".. I've done everything from coke to molly to shrooms. Nothing had me in a hold. But Heroin? She is the devil I swear by it. There is much more to the story and I do wish you the best. Just remember YOU control your life DONT let HER do it. Add my skype or P.M me if you need anything, I feel for you and am here.

 

Don't let anyone tell you that you're a mistake, or that you are the main cause for their problems, everyone will always point the finger at someone else to make themselves look better. Try looking into a rehabilitation center, or calling up a friend who has never touched drugs before and check his perspective on what you should do.

 

You don't need to be so hostile with your replies to someone offering advice. There has been a lot of scientific research for psychedelic therapy conducted in the last 20 years. The perspective change he might experience when using ayahuasca, ibogaine, or any psychedelic may change his perspective to the point where he can move past his addiction. It is pretty evident almost anyone that is hooked on hardcore drugs wants to quit. They can't because of the addiction symptoms. Lastly, DMT is not the same as ayahuasca, yet they both have a history of curing opiate addiction and even addiction in general. I was not even telling him to do ayahuasca, but rather to look into it. Clearly I'm not alone, and I didn't just pull this idea out of thin air, but obviously the most rational thing for him to do would be to go to rehab.

 

Thank you all for your replies. It's hard to choose what to do. So far I haven't touched for a day. Hoping that i'll last longer. I appreciate all your support and as for that one drug i'm not too sure about that.

 

people cause suffering when they're suffering themselves.

 

Keep your head up

 

Best thing I can tell you is to realize that you will have zero money if you keep on hard drugs. Even dip and weed burn a hole in my pocket, so I can't imagine how bad opiates, benzodiazepines, and amphetamines would kill my wallet. Think about the bigger picture. If you keep on down your current road, you will soon be out of a job, out of a place to live, and out of money for fold and water, which you need to live. If the drug itself doesn't kill you, the byproducts will. My mother had a terrible crack cocaine addiction and she was literally stealing equipment from my dad's business to pay for rocks. It was what caused their divorce and my fragmented adolescence. Stop while you're ahead. I know detoxing and withdrawals are hell (nicotine withdraws themselves are killer, so I don't even want to know what those withdrawals are like). Don't try and pick up some other addiction like alcohol or nicotine to try and take the lesser of two evils, it will not work. I'd recommend getting into a drug recovery program and asking who you bought it from to never offer to sell to you again, no matter the circumstance. Keep me posted as to what's going on and how you're doing, I'm here for you.

 

you got this man, the mind is a powerful thing, just how its asking for you to go get high, you also have the ability to not go towards the addiction, it could be very hard but with time, i guarantee you it gets easier, you just need to pre occupy yourself with other things