If you have the time, give this story (written by me) a read.

The Chase

“Which way did he go”? Luke asked in a soft voice. “You take left.” I replied. He nodded. My friend Luke and I were on a mission to capture the leader of an organization that performed a million dollar heist a few months ago. We were working as undercover FBI agents. We were so close to capturing the criminal, known as Shaw. We intercepted one of his deliveries containing 100,000 in cash and found him on the receiving end. We’ve been chasing him ever since, leading us into a dark abandoned tunnel.

I took the right side of the tunnel, I ran at a medium pace, cautiously, with a pistol in my two hands. The tunnel was long and dark; it felt as if it were never ending. I spent literally hours in that tunnel in search for this man until finally it came to an end, and I spotted him! I saw him resting in the corner of the tunnel hands buried in his face, panting for breath. I slowly went up to finally arrest him. I was alerted as he pulled out his gun at me and I was even more alerted to find that the man was simply Luke. “Oh Jake, am I glad to see you!” He exclaimed as he inserted his gun back into his belt. “Any sign of Shaw? I asked. “No, he’s long gone; can we just continue tomorrow man?” Luke cried. “No! We keep looking.” I snapped. And we did.

No luck. Luke and I stopped by the FBI headquarters and each took quad bikes to scout areas nearby the tunnel. This guy was like a ghost, he was nowhere to be found. We searched the whole day for hours until midnight but no sign of Shaw. Luke was relieved to finally hear me say “Alright Luke, we’re done for the day.”
-----
“Ring ring ring” I awoke up to the sound of a phone call. Exhausted, I answered the phone with an aggravating voice “He-hello?” I jumped up in bed, my dark blue eyes lightened and I was no longer exhausted. It was Luke. He had information on Shaw.

My body was filled with excitement. I could taste triumph.
I got ready for our mission immediately. I wore casual clothing. As an undercover FBI agent I had to blend in with the rest of the world to draw any suspicion off of me while capturing criminals. I dressed in black, as it was a good disguise in this gloomy weather. I slipped on some gloves, threw on a trench coat, grabbed an umbrella and headed out. I got in a cab and murmured my destination to the driver. I listened to the sound of rain crashing on the road and reviewed once more everything that Luke had told me.
The man we were following earlier was only a look alike of Shaw. It was a distraction, to keep the FBI off of the real Shaw while he attempted more illegal acts. He is currently in Canada, British Columbia, hiring hit men to kill certain people for him; one of those people is the Luke's dad: the prime minister of Switzerland. There was a meeting, being held near Vancouver in an abandoned warehouse, on the plan to execute the president. And we were going to it.
The car slowly rolled to a halt as we reached New York City’s airport. I met up with Luke inside. He was sitting down, just outside the entrance that led to our airplane, while sipping on some black coffee. He wore almost the same outfit as me, as we had discussed earlier on the phone. “Good Morning Jake” Luke said in a lively voice. He handed me my ticket while I replied, “Morning.” in a tired voice. It was 5 AM; we only had around 4 hours of sleep. “The flight to Victoria, Canada is now open for boarding. I repeat the flight to Victoria is now open for boarding.” boomed the flight attendants voice in the microphone. Luke and I got up and headed to our big mission.

While sitting in the airplane only one thought crossed my mind, ‘How on earth does Luke know all this information on Shaw?’

The plane took off. I slept while Luke stayed awake planning out the mission. Even though I was higher in command than Luke, he seemed to be taking it more seriously than me. That’s good I thought to myself.

I dreamt. “Jake! JAKE! GET THE HELL OUT OF THERE!” it was Luke. “They’re headed this way! We have to move, NOW!” Everything was so blurry. All I could make out was Luke yelling at me. My head was spinning. My eyes slowly shut as I heard footsteps. I awoke to the sound of the pilot’s voice: “We are experiencing high turbulence, everyone stay calm and please remain seated with your seatbelts on.” The plane was bumpy, it moved from side to side, up and down. It was very nauseating. I jerked my head right to talk to Luke, but he wasn’t there. Weird I thought. My thoughts of Luke’s whereabouts were intercepted by the pilot’s voice; “Everyone please wear your ox-” the power went. The lights went out and the plane became pitch black. I heard the oxygen mask fall in front of me. The plane felt as if it were descending. Then it hit me, we were crashing into the sea.

Before I could react we were already in water. I held my breath and struggled with my oxygen mask, but eventually got it on. I unstrapped my seatbelt and swam to the closest exit gate; I followed the crowd of people out of the plane as they helped the younger children with their oxygen masks. ‘No one seems to be panicking’ I thought to myself. I went back in the plane to search for my friend; he was nowhere near his seat, and no sign of anyone else in the plane. I swam up and saw everyone by the shore waving at me; I scanned through each one of the people for Luke. He wasn’t there. I gave up and started to swim to the shore, but then I was taken back in by the current of the ocean. The waves became fierce, I couldn’t swim it off, and my muscles started cramping. Then when nothing could get worse, my oxygen mask was taken away with the waves. I swam back up but the current only got stronger, I got tired and stopped struggling, the waves took me under and I slowly fell to the ocean floor as I hear the shrilled cries and screams of people.

The footsteps were getting louder and closer, I struggled to get up and was relieved to find Luke grab my shoulder and throw me over his heavy back. He ran fast far from the mob headed our way. I was so confused what was going on, the last thing I remember was blacking out. I touched my head to find a deep gash, with blood dripping from my hair. Luke finally stopped running and we found a small room to hide in. He set me down on the floor and aided my wound. “Don’t worry Jake, I’ll keep you safe.” He whispered as he stared into my eyes.

"Spliitttt" I woke up to the pressure of someone’s fists on my chest, forcing water out of my throat. “You’re alive!” Luke exclaimed. “Whe-where were you?” I coughed. Luke threw me a towel and said, “I was using the restroom when the plane crashed.” He grinned. “Only to come out and find we were underweater” “I see.” I replied.

Luke called helicopters from the FBI to pick up the passengers and send them back to New York City, but not us. We were headed to Vancouver.

---


First off, I wrote this 2-3 years ago when I was 14 so no hate, thanks. Probably gonna edit a bunch of stuff, and continue it. found it after so long

Please actually give it a read, it's not that bad. I would love some ideas of how to continue it as I can't think of anything

Thanks if you actually read it!

 

Don't sweat it, I probably can't write that now. Overall, interesting read.

 

Pretty interesting read, you should continue it with what happens when they go to Vancouver.

 

As an avid reader/writer these are some things I noticed immediately:

Flow -- The way this reads can be rather choppy at times -- almost fragmented. Too many short sentences can make a piece read terse and sort of robotic, I'd try to merge some sentences together for a smoother delivery.

Voice -- While you definitely have your own writing style, your writer's voice seemed to only make one or two short appearances here. Something I like to do when working on my writer's voice in a piece is write as if I was talking/thinking aloud to myself. Most times it will come out a lot easier and more intriguing to read.

Content -- I would consider this story less than original. Two FBI agents working to stop a bad guy who likes to steal lots of money. It's been done to death. However, I quite liked the way you went about the scenario. It seems to take the story onto a more personal level than just two agents nabbing some crook mid-heist.

Granted you wrote this some time ago when you were young, I still think you have potential to write some very good pieces if you practice more. I hope the tone of my post is not misinterpreted, my criticisms are aimed towards helping you hone your skills rather than simply point out flaws. I'd really like to see a sequel/conclusion to this -- we don't have nearly enough writers here on Sythe. Keep it up!

 

Thank you guys for taking the time to read! Appreciate it so much

Thanks a bunch to you for actually writing this up.

I always thought my flow was exceptional, but i'll look into those short sentences.
Good idea about the voice, never thought of that
Content: for sure it's not original at ALL. But hey, I was 14. Maybe I can change it up as I continue the story.

Appreciate the kind words, and love the constructive criticism.

Will definitely write more for you guys

 

I'm a fanatical writer and would love to critique more writing on sythe, and if you have anything else feel free to post it so I can have a read

It's hard to comment on an extract because it's exactly that. Anyway, the first gripe I have is that it's a little simplistic, in a literacy and structural sense. too many ideas and scenarios flying from one to the other. A story has to follow a gradual flow of events and in more detail. (I understand you were 14 at the time) As chaotic pointed out, it is also filled far to much with short sentences which makes it near impossible to read. Like way way too many. Short sentences in writing are used for emphasis or added suspense, so try to avoid using techniques like this without reason to, especially not throughout the entirety of the piece because it leaves it very jaded.

will edit examples in now

 

Very interesting my friend!

 

Thanks for the feedback guys, posted 2 essays I wrote

 

Nice read man! Interesting!