How to deal with passive-aggressive people?

How do you guys deal with passively-aggressive individuals? Lately, my relationships between many of my friends have become strained as a result of their perpetual passive-aggressiveness. Now, I would be lying if I said I had never displayed my own passive aggressive tendencies, as sometimes it feels better just to be mad at or "hate" the person you're dealing with, instead of making amends.

However, in my case, when someone is being passive-aggressive towards me, it is for the most pointless and asinine things. For example, there's a friend I have that I always joke with. Today, I guess I made a joke that he did not like, even though it was just that, a harmless joke. Now, he is acting incredibly irritated over it. My initial response probably did not help the situation. I take culpability in not phrasing my first few texts quite appropriately, as I said wow you're acting like a drama queen girl in high school, and "if I had known you were more sensitive than my girlfriend I never in our entire friendship would joke with you."

But then, it just got annoying. I apologized, legitimately, as best I could over text message. The funny thing is he waited until I left to air his grievances over text message instead of real life conversation, which is so incredibly childish because it gave him the perfect medium to not only not accept my apology, but to still act like he was the victim and I should be feeling guilty. Well, I am naturally a very giving person, so I do feel guilty. Not that I would ever let my friend know that.

So how do you deal with passive-aggressive people when conflict arises? I already admitted my culpability in making a crass joke, and APOLOGIZED. However, he won't even accept said apology and just wants something to be mad at. Maybe some drama in his life to make it more interesting. I'm all for him creating drama, but don't start that bullshit with me y'know? I'm 22 years old I don't have time for games anymore. The only reason I even joked with him in the first place is because I THOUGHT he could handle it. It turns out though he really is more sensitive than my girlfriend.

Thoughts?

Incredibly frustrated over people like this. People that make you feel like shit for petty and small mistakes you make. I know if the shoe was on the other foot I'd have no problem forgiving him. Then again, I never would have been offended by it in the first place. I even said after the joke I was kidding. For anyone curious, his cell phone rang in a public place and I very obviously jokingly asked "Oh no, Jake's drug dealer is calling"...that's literally all I said. I realize sometimes people get offended over things that would not offend you..but still.

Turns out he smokes weed and I guess he's ashamed by it? But he also falsely assumed I knew that fact about him and is holding it against me. For example, my mom died when I was 8 of breast cancer. When someone makes a "your mom" joke to me, I don't get mad even though shes dead. Why? I know that they DON'T know she's dead. It would only be if they knew that I'd maybe take some offense to (still probably not).

What is it that makes this generation so pussified, for lack of a better term? I swear to god this generation is going to shit...it is so soft. Soon calling someone a coward will be too offensive to say too. Maybe soon we won't even be able to speak to each other because every other word in the dictionary would trigger someones emotional lexicon negatively.

Pissed. Need advice.

 

Passive-aggressive people can be pretty hard to deal with at times. It seems to vary based on the situation, but I've found that keeping your composure is key in ending the behavior. As you stated, he's just looking for something to be mad about. By refusing to accept your sincere apology, that much is clear.

I know it can be frustrating, but he is trying to get this sort of reaction out of you. By remaining neutral and calm, his passive-aggressive attitude will have less to feed off of. Empathy can help as well, even if you sort of have to fake it.

 

Dude, I'm right there with ya. I have friends that get so upset/butthurt over the silliest things I'll say, even though I've said similar things in the past.

What I've learned to do, is just act like it never even happen. I will apologize if its warranted, but if they're just acting up, I won't say an apology. I'll just tell them something along the lines of "Sorry man, didn't realize it'd get to ya like this." Then I just leave it at that and go on with our friendship. If they continue to act childish, I'll just stop hanging around them for a period of time until they realize they're over reacting. I usually give it a day and they're back to normal. Now sometimes there are instances where they're upset for a long time, but most the time they get over it.

I feel that this can work for you as well. Just play it off and let them do their inner-healing by themselves. You apologized and everything so you've done your part. Eventually he should get over it, and will act like nothing even happened. Just take it lightly and move on like nothing happened. That's what I do and I bet it'd work for you as well.

The reason people in our generation are like this is because of how people are being brought up. A spank to a child in public is seen as abuse/wrongful doing. Compared to back in the day, they'd spank the shit out of their kid if they were acting up. (That's what my parents/grandparents have told me. Much more stern back in the day)

The main thing is respect. If he respects you, he'll get over it and move on. That's with this generation as well, if they have respect/discipline, they're not going to get offensive towards everything compared to their counterpart who was babied and shielded from the real word.

Hope I helped somewhat.

 

Now he's just ignoring texts, I mean, I don't see how this isn't high school, if not middle school girl behavior.

 

Sounds to me like someone you don't need as a friend. My advice? Let him be childish, and while he's doing that, you can go meet new friends, talk to old ones, and continue to enjoy life without having the presence of this 'friend' that has the emotional equivalence to an 11 year old.

 

Very childish and immature. Move on if he's not willing to work this 'problem' out.

 

theyre not real friends if theyre not willing to hear you out and work things out

 

Ugh, had to agree out loud in my room to this! People just take life so serious nowadays. "Like dude, take a chill-pill and realize that your acting like an idiot, blowing something so little up out proportion!" I feel your frustration, and I like to maintain a good/neutral relationship with everyone I meet too.

Once I start noticing that they act like that all the time, I just usually give it three strikes then I'm done associating with them on a "friendly" level. It's a just a rinse and repeat cycle with these people. I would be salty and just tell him "Wow, thats sad that you can't take a stupid joke, I wish you the best" if you don't see this person daily. Anyways, enough of my rambling, good luck with your situation.

 

Not rambling at all my friend, you described my exact sentiment over the situation. I haven't talked to him since. Just done with the petty bullshit and drama. I am too old for this stuff now, it used to be just a natural part of my life at a young age but enough of it.

 

You didn't say anything but I know when I'm on a bender drinking, smoking and taking drugs can really make me feel some kind of way. I know when I'm feeling passive aggressive its time to just sober up for a few days and then that puts my mood back into stability.

 

My dad is just like this, sometimes the less you say is better

 

LEave it to them to realize, they're being childish/not reasonable. if they don't come to that conclusion. usually not worth the time

 

Passive-aggressive people are very tricky as my ex girlfriend was, id say if anything happens just apologise and give them time, its just a shitty situation

 

Sometimes there's more to it. I don't know if the problem with your friend continues to persist, but I'd ask him what his problem is. Is he acting like that just because of a joke? Or have you done something previously that pushed him over the edge, and he's just using the joke as an excuse to stay mad at you for other reasons.

The question is how I'd deal with them. I'd ask them what their problem is. If it's solely the joke, then I'd apologize and ask for a fresh start. If he doesn't want that, then there's nothing more I can do then let him eventually come to his senses. If it's more than the joke, then I'd try to make amends and ask why didn't he say anything about it.

 

Ur friend sounds like a faggot. If he didnt accept ur apology just leave him alone/stop talking to him/end friendship -.-

 

end the friendship, tell him to fuck off...

 

between males, i believe the best advice is to litterally tell them to man up if you werent serious in your insults or harsh words. because in real life, the people that give you shit arent going to be your friend theyre going to be some random asshole. you're helping him as much as he doesnt think.

 

Kinda in the same situation. I was at my friends house, I asked her I could smoke a bowl before class (Police Foundation, the irony). She said yes, so I did. I smoked, and then pocketed the smallest nug in the bag for later (I am licensed in Canada for Marijuana, I had none, no job and needed some relief for after the exam). She texted me that night and said she knew that I took her weed and that I could go fuck myself. She made it look like that I had murdered someone so I denied it because of the grounds she presented. Basically I got fed up and told her that I took the smallest nug, she didn't care and made the situation worse. So I basically told her that I had a really good time with her as a friend, but if I ever hear my name coming from her mouth, (Witnessing it or hearing that she said my name to another person) that there would be huge consequences. Major consequences. I know that I shouldn't have done that, but at the same time I would never do anything to hurt her. I have so much respect for her, but she likes to talk a lot. So I did it for my own protection. We are in the same classes and I just don't want it to be awkward when we go back to school. Tried to appologize, no answer, I told her that I want her address so I can send her a WRITTEN apology, no answer. Hopefully shes like a normal girl, and she will forgive after a while. But I dont see it happening.