Exposing lamehat

It all started when our predictably heroic protagonist, leanbean, woke up in a fanstic unknown vineyard. It was the fifth time it had happened. Feeling very frustrated, leanbean slapped a dangerous oil-soaked rag, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). He soon realized that his beloved black thong was missing! Immediately he called lamehat.

lamehat picked up to a very unctuous leanbean. lamehat calmly assured him that most venomous koalas grimace before mating, yet South American hissing sloths usually surreptitiously yawn *after* mating. He had no idea what that meant; he was only concerned with distracting leanbean. Why was lamehat trying to distract leanbean? Because he had snuck out from leanbean's with the black thong only ten days prior. It was a electric little black thong... how could he resist?

It didn't take long before leanbean got back to the subject at hand: his black thong. lamehat yawned. Relunctantly, lamehat invited him over, assuring him they'd find the black thong. leanbean grabbed his giraffe and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, lamehat realized that he was in trouble. He had to find a place to hide the black thong and he had to do it fearlessly. He figured that if leanbean took the giraffe, he had to take at least nine minutes before leanbean would get there. But if he took the Segway? Then lamehat would be abundantly screwed.

Before he could come up with any reasonable ideas, lamehat was interrupted by seven wilderbeasts that were lured by his black thong. lamehat yawned; 'Not again', he thought. Feeling exasperated, he aptly reached for his dull pencil and skillfully grabbed every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the fanstic pumpkin patch, squealing with discontent. He exhaled with relief. That's when he heard the Segway rolling up. It was leanbean.



As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop to pick up a 12-pack of potatos, so he knew he was running late. With a inept leap, leanbean was out of the Segway and went scandalously jaunting toward lamehat's front door. Meanwhile inside, lamehat was panicking. Not thinking, he tossed the black thong into a box of potatos and then slid the box behind his hammock. lamehat was angered but at least the black thong was concealed. The doorbell rang.

'Come in,' lamehat flamboyantly purred. With a apt push, leanbean opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some selfish coke fiend in a deliciously practical 4-door,' he lied. 'It's fine,' lamehat assured him. leanbean took a seat ridiculously unclose to where lamehat had hidden the black thong. lamehat cringed trying unsuccessfully to hide his nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' he blurted. But leanbean was distracted. Duly ecstatic about the looming crises, lamehat noticed a pestering look on leanbean's face. leanbean slowly opened his mouth to speak.


lamehat felt a stabbing pain in his arm when leanbean asked this. In a moment of disbelief, he realized that he had hidden the black thong right by his oscillating fan. An annoying look started to form on leanbean's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. Leanbean nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before lamehat could react, leanbean fearlessly lunged toward the box and opened it. The black thong was plainly in view.

leanbean stared at lamehat for what what must've been eleven microseconds. A few freaknasty minutes later, lamehat groped wildly in leanbean's direction, clearly desperate. leanbean grabbed the black thong and bolted for the door. It was locked. lamehat let out an eccentric chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, leanbean,' he rebuked. lamehat always had been a little faggot, so leanbean knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before lamehat did something crazy. Ever so extemperaneously, he gripped his black thong tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.

lamehat looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? The other door was open. Silence from leanbean, Suddenly he felt a tinge of concern for leanbean. Still silence. lamehat walked over to the window and looked down. leanbean was gone.


Just yonder, leanbean was struggling to make his way through the bush behind lamehat's place. leanbean had severely hurt his taint during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral wilderbeasts suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the black thong. One by one they latched on to leanbean. Already weakened from his injury, leanbean yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of wilderbeasts running off with his black thong.

About three hours later, leanbean awoke, his taint throbbing. It was dark and leanbean did not know where he was. Deep in the muddy secret vineyard, leanbean was excessively lost. Absolutely thrilled, he remembered that his black thong was taken by the wilderbeasts. But at that point, he was just thankful for his life. That's when, to his horror, an enormous wilderbeast emerged from the magical cornfield. It was the alpha wilderbeast. leanbean opened his mouth to scream but was cut short when the wilderbeast sunk its teeth into leanbean's fingernail. With a faint groan, the life escaped from leanbean's lungs.

Less than nine miles away, lamehat was entombed by anguish over the loss of the black thong. 'MY PRECIOUS!!' he cried, as he reached for a sharpened black dildo. With a mighty thrust, he buried it deeply into his prostate. As the room began to fade to black, he thought about leanbean... wishing he had found the courage to tell him what he had done. But he would die alone that day. All that remained was the black thong that had turned them against each other, ultimately causing their demise. And as the dew on melancholy sappling branches began to reflect the dawn's reddish glare, all that could be heard was the chilling cry of distant wilderbeasts, desecrating all things sacred to virtuous men, and perpetuating an evil that would reign for centuries to come.

 

Tl;dr

 

Ok first, you need a hobby m8.
Second i support.
Third, they're to many plot holes in this story; a major one being you stated you took your giraffe to my place of residence then later after my heroic esape from 7 creatures you show up in the segway. If you actually took the giraffe it would have taken you longer to get to my living quarters and i would have had to to hide the alleged black thong.

In other news this reminds me of a post post apocalyptic futuristic steam punk era where the majority of the human population is gay and wild dogs prowl the streets. As for the story, an overly homosexual interpretation of romeo and Juliet.

10/10 would read again. Just so you know that black dildo was also yours. It felt so good in those final moments.


I am no longer greyhat123.
Call me blackthong123

 

summary pls

 

Waaat...

 

Please condense story into 1 line, then will attempt to read again.

 

tl;dr

 

Where can I find the cliffnotes

 

tl;dr plox