Am I to blame?

Okay so wow, I'm really upset and I need somewhere to kind of air my dirty laundry to an unbiased crowd. I need an honest answer over who is more to blame here...

This girl I've known since my senior year of high school and I have been at odds for months now. I am now a junior at college far away from her, over 600 miles.

She was just a sophomore when I was a senior, so she is a bit younger than me, and a lot more emotionally unstable.

She always held me up on this pretty high pedestal, a pedestal that no person should be held to...because when you're held to a standard that high, it is IMPOSSIBLE not to disappoint. Well this girl has done this to me. She claims that she had the biggest liking for me etc. etc.

Recently this summer, after over 3 years of emails, hanging out (but not dating, we each had a significant other at these times), I took a liking to her...a liking that I had not had before. But you know the old adage...never date your best friend...or at least that's the advice I always heard + got. Well we never dated...she wouldn't commit to a long distance relationship.

This summer she went to rehab for a Vicodin and Xanax addiction, this girl is beautiful but very, very, flawed. She lets people take advantage of her easily, and has slept around quite a bit. She continues to pop pills daily and doesn't really do much with her life. She graduated high school but does not go to college and lives at home.

At least once a week for the past three months she'd text me about how she thought about or tried to kill herself. We got into a copious amount of arguments ranging from a bunch of different things. To keep this short and sweet I do not feel they really fit into the context of my question.

Well she finally broke it off with her some-what longtime (mostly on again off again relationship) boyfriend. I thought this was my chance. Well to my chagrin she got a new boyfriend about 3 days later. I got angry with her, but then said I'm basically just going to turn off my facebook + cell phone as I've been disappointed too much by people lately.

She flipped out at me saying I'm almost always the reason she's hurting herself or trying to hurt herself. How much am I to blame for this? I defend myself in a rather blunt and caustic way......it's so easy to have no filter on a text based conversation (one of the cogs in the downfall of our friendship).

Is she a friend worth fighting for...or a lost cause? How much should I blame myself for me being the "reason" she hurts herself. She is incredibly unstable and frankly dangerous. She always spins problems around to make it look like she is this innocent oppressed girl...she has dealt with a lot of bad stuff in her life..but who hasn't.

The friendship is all but destroyed...should I even attempt to rectify it or let her go. I'm strongly in favor of letting her go once and for all...it's gotten utterly ridiculous. She is not good for my mental health, and conversely, neither am I apparently.


Thoughts and comments appreciated, this has me a bit down in the dumps. I feel like with me gone, she will just find something / someone new to blame. Perhaps it is time I step down from being the emotional punching bag that has to get texts every few weeks about attempted suicides.

 

It's important when someone is telling you about suicide, that you be there to listen whether you want to or not. For anyone who's been in that position, someone to hear you out can help quite considerably. So, I don't think turning off your cell phone or Facebook is wise.

As you stated yourself, she's young and so more emotionally unstable and not to mention suicidal and suffering a pill addiction. Her actions aren't going to make sense sometimes and she will say a lot she doesn't mean or out of anger.

I suggest you be there as a friend or someone to vent to but nothing more. Try not to be so emotionally involved, just be someone to vent to. If you can, convince her to get help/counselling/treatment as since she had you on this high pedestal, she's more likely to listen to you.

 

I'm not sure what to make of this on the whole, it's very complex and I applaud your outspokenness on the subject matter. You're not to blame for her own problems, it was out of anger that she said you were to blame nothing more nothing less. As, if you challenged her upon the reasons why she blames you she'd be stuck for answers. I suggest you take a step back, but don't cut off contact that'll make the situation worse it's not wise to ignore potential suicide as the pills will have a profound effect on her mental state. Turn your phone on, re-enable your Facebook and just be there as a friend and don't get too emotionally involved. I do not suggest you take it any further than friendship, I could see you coming off a hell of a lot worse than her even with your stable mind set. I implore you to convince her to get some outside help, and give you a break from all the irrational thoughts in her mind. Crack a smile, someone worth your while will come along eventually

 

I don't think you are to blame but when someone is talking to you about that stuff it is just best if you just listen doesn't matter who is right and who is wrong at that point just need to listen.

 

Before I met her she tried to kill herself, and almost succeeded. So sadly it has been a recurring problem. After rehab she stayed clean until liver failure from the previous addictions forced her back on to the same medicine she got addicted to. With her liver not able to absorb nutrients like it should, it is incredibly easy to overdose without even realizing it.

I've re-enabled my facebook and appreciate you all taking the time to answer this.

 

As someone who suffered from depression for 4 years, I'm only going to say this once.

There is nothing you can do to help her. Nothing you say or do will help her drug problem or depression. When you're depressed you're miserable and angry and the first thing people do is try to figure out why. People want a reason, and depression is basically when you're miserable even when everything is alright(generally). They assign blame. Themselves, their family, their friends. Whatever they can that helps them release. When people blame themselves they cut, when they blame others relationships are destroyed.

Coming out of depression is something you have to do on your own. No magic antidepressants or therapist can do that for you.

You are a long distance away. You can't intervene. You can't stand by and prevent her from suicide or pill popping and even if you were her next door neighbor I wouldn't ask that of you. Sometimes in life we have to take a step back and think about ourselves. You can't let her stress you out and tear you down because she can and will.

I know you want to help her and I can tell you care but there is nothing you(or anyone else in my opinion) can do. You are not to blame.

 

I feel like I'm talking to myself reading this post. Outstanding insight. I hope you overcome your depression buddy, or at least mitigate it. Thanks for the cold hard truth. I echo your sentiments completely. I hope that you're doing better now as opposed to those four years you mentioned. The thing I love about Sythe is that I see a lot of intelligence. I'm glad you all came to my thread to share your two cents, it means more to me than you think

 

You're definitely not to blame, but as I've experienced, everyone needs someone to blame though. You honestly shouldn't take it to heart when she blames you with the state that she's in. If she's been like this and still is, clearly she needs something she hasn't had and maybe you should try to figure out what it is that she's missing. Definitely don't get in that type of relationship with her, it'd only frustrate things in the end and possibly make it worse for her safety and if you do care for her, of course you wouldn't want to risk that. That's just my quick thought on the matter.

 

Not true. You really shouldn't discourage people from trying to find help. If anti-depressants didn't help they wouldn't be called anti-depressants. A therapist can and does help, I know that from personal experience.

 

Anti-depressants aren't the magic pill that'll make your worries go away. All they did was get rid of a majority of my suicidal impulses. My point is that anti-depressants won't take you out of your depression and neither will advice from a therapist. It's not in anyone else's hands to fix you. Therapists are faith healers as far as I'm concerned.

Anyone abusing vicodin and xanax is obviously trying to find an escape.

 

It can work for some people, even if not you. You shouldn't discourage people from trying, that's all.

 

I'm not debating that antidepressants can help, I'm saying that they won't "cure" you. It's really up to the person suffering to help themselves which oftentimes is extremely difficult.

 

Just listen and give honest opinions, base your responses off logic and you cant go wrong, dont try to put yourself in other peoples shoes because you will never be there.

 

Update: She's going back into treatment...hopefully she can come out clean and stay clean this time.

 

This ended with her taking her own life on the night of June 25th. I hadn't spoken to her since the original day of this post. I tried to get back into communication with her but she was having none of it. I didn't find out until last night. I have not even been able to fully process this. Any advice on how to cope? I feel like shutting myself off from the world at this point...I cannot believe it has come to this irrevocable point. A little piece of me truly died last night at hearing the news. I didn't hear until a full day after because I'm out of state for school so I'm really not close to her geographically in the summer-time. Any advice would be appreciated...I'm obviously devastated and gutted and wondering what more I could have done..but I know that's an impossible question to answer.