My Dad

Alright as some of ya know my dad has been incarcerated since 2005. I haven't spoke or talked to him since then but this has been on my mind for 7 years. My parents are divorced, and my family is a mess but I manage. Now last weekend I was informed that my dad was hospitalized for a stroke. He was in prison for 5 years and was civilly commited basically meanin hes not stable for release. Then I found out this was his 3rd and I only knew of one previously. Along with that I find out that he also has cancer. He is 60 now and I am pretty sure his days are numbered.

I have spoken to my friend Jesse who's da was Kieth Whitley (old country singer who died young from alcohol abuse) Jesse told me if he could he would speak to his dad. Other people tell me it'd be best for me to do it and see my dad. I am not on the preapproved people list and I have minimal contact with people who would know more and none of them really will tell me much.

Basically now I'm contemplating on seeing my dad for the first time since he was arrested 2 days before my 19th birthday. I am now 26 almost 27 and have my life. I have seen psychiatrists and counseling that doesn't help my best thing is that I talk to my friends. So what do you all think. I believe if I do this maybe my anger will be finally at peace but then I wonder sometimes it i don't do it and he does pass in 20-30 years I may regret it.

Also I got a text today from my buddy in Canada that his mom died and he's only 29 so I keep thinking all this maybe is a wake up call.

 

Why would you regret it if you did it now and he passes in 20-30 years?

Whatever he did, that made you angry, well, time and stuff like this can change a person. You'd do it eventually, or you'll eventually suffer. By suffer I mean whenever he passes away, even if it may be in 30 years, you could regret never seeing him.

How was your relationship with him growing up? Since he was arrested has he had the chance to explain anything to you, or apologize?

I'd most likely encourage you to talk to him, because he's still your dad and you cannot pick family. But it depends on the situation.

 

I dont mean to sound harsh but i don't think he will last 20-30years. being 60 with cancer and having multiple strokes etc...

But if i was in your situation; i'd talk to him. you would regret it one day for sure. go and talk to him. It wont be so bad. Im sure he would talk to you if he could.

 

Here's the deal my dad was arrested for molesting a 15 year old. He was never close with me. So I'm in odd situation. I am suprised he's made it in prison this long. I am still angry, he ruined my life. My family on his side won't speak to me since 2006 when my grandma died. I've spoken to 2 pastors that are close to my family and my GF and friends here agree if I see him it'll release me being upset.

I've always thought. If he dies what would I do. Go to the funeral? I know he won't make it 20 years with such bad health. I mean one pastor who's friends with my dad still told me it'd make his year just to hear my voice. But I'm nervous enough thinking of talking to him.

To the answer about 20-30 years, I mean I will regret it if he does pass. Now me I am mad also because he blamed me for not Bein there and blah blah about me being friends with a cops daughter.

 

talk to your dad dj... you wont regret it trust me it will relief both of you... at the end hes your dad even though he wasnt close to you

 

It's not a great thing to be carrying around for so long, at least when his time does come your mind will be at peace in the knowledge that you did speak to him again.

Best of luck on whatever decision you make, mate.

 

DJ, I completely get where you are coming from. Drugs tore apart my family and have made us grow extremely far apart. My parents got a divorce when I was 17 and my father is currently facing felony charges for possession with intent to distribute and is out on bail. No clue where he is, he probably can't even tell you what city I live in if his life depended on it.

However, from what you posted, I can sense that there is a difference between you and I. I personally want nothing to do with my father. If he died tomorrow, I wouldn't be sad. I can't tell you how many times I made my own dinner, how many times I shoveled my mom and sister out of the driveway at 4-5 am. I can't tell you how I bought my family a dishwasher, and mowed the lawn, and fixed the plumbing, and changed the water heater, but I did it all because he wasn't there.

So it really comes down to this. If he died right now, would you regret not seeing him. If it was his last day on Earth, would he want to spend the time with you, catching up from the past 6-7 years, talking just about anything. Would he want you there, but more importantly, would you want to be their with him. If the answer is yes,then go see him. It may give you all the closure that you need. This closure could be as simple as a sigh of relief, or it could be balling your eyes out in the waiting room. It comes differently for each and every person. From what you posted, it seems like you do need to breath that sigh of relief. You need that closure, as you said, unfortunately cancer is a terrible thing that has manifested itself in mankind, you don't know how long he has.

Never feel like you are alone man. If you want, you can feel free to PM me and I know we are friends on MSN too <3

 

Family is family, it wont take long and you can take the pressure off yourself as i can see that you are doing many things to get around it, just do it its the best for yourself.

 

Take it from someone who hasn't had either parent for 6 years. Any parent is a gift and if you don't go and talk with him before you no longer have it - you'll regret it forever. Even if you hated him.

You should go and at least be civil with him.

 

What was the reason for you not seeing him in the first place?

What was he like before going to prison?

If he was a monster, like my dad, I wouldn't see him no matter how close to death he was.

 

Family is forever bro and you cannot change it.

 

Mhm, its a tough one mate. Have you tried speaking over the phone first or something.

 

Re-connect before it's too late. I never bothered to contact mine after he ran into a lot of trouble with the law, around 6-7 years ago. I thought about contacting him after University had finished, but it seems that will never happen now, as I attended his funeral last January.

 

Talk to him weezy, do it before it's too late. you'll regret it if you dont.

 

I honestly think you should go see him. Life is to short to be angry, or to be stubborn. You know I lost both my parents and I would do anything to just talk to them or to even look at them. You never know maybe his health would get better too if he had someone there for him. People make mistakes just remember that.

 

Man you have to talk to him, im sure he is probably regretting not talking to you wile he is in prison, but as for family not talking to you, A family is a family through thick and thin just wait for the right time everything will come around. Its not good for you to keep so much inside. One thing you never want to do if not talk to someone you know you love and need to share things with before they leave this world. 60 years old and with cancer on top of that in prison where I know the health care is kept to a bare minimum his days are less than numbered man, swallow your pride and to the right thing talk to your dad man he probably needs you more than you need him right now. Dont let your future be built on a tragic past for that only leads to further destruction and disorientation in your life. I hope all goes well.

 

Well the reason I haven't spoken/seen him in 7 years is on me because I didn't wanna talk to him.

Now when it comes down to me I've been talking to my friends here and my gf but even my boss told me to try call him. I've been considering it today about calling him and seeing what happens. At least then I'll know what I would also need to do to see him. When I talked to a pastor who's good friends with him and my friends dad, he said he doesn't think my dad will make it 5 more years.

My friend who's I think 30 now? His mom died this past week told me she was only 57 and would have rather die then be on life support. I was like damn buddy. So now I might take a trip up to Canada soon to see him. He's been kinda pushing me to see him now too.

 

Hello there Djweasel,

First of all I am sorry to hear your problem, I read the entire thread and it must be hard to see your dad again after so many years, but you're his son and if he has cancer, in my opinion you should give him some support.

He probably misses you a lot too but you need to understand you're his family and he gave you life, if it wasnt for him you wouldnt be there.

I would say to visit him and speak to him before its too late, but that depends on how was the relation with you before him going to prison. I personally love my family and if my dad was in prison I would atleast go and let him know I am still here for him.

 

You said it yourself, you should probably go see him. At the end of the day incarcerated or not he is your dad and severing your relationship with him (as long as he wasn't abusive) isn't healthy for you.

 

Hey Deezy, long time no talk.

We've talked about a lot of shit over Skype, including your father a couple times. Now, I can't tell you what to do, or back it up with personal experience, or connection, but I do feel like you should make an attempt to talk to him Matt.

Just realize, he is your father, and he did bring you into the world, whether you like it or not. Everyone makes mistakes, and does stupid shit. Your best bet is to just look past that. Your dad was caught for molesting a 15 year old. I'm sure he regrets doing the act, and inflicting all the sorrow onto your family and their lives. But just remember, he is still family.

As I said above, try to go visit him in the hospital, I'm sure it will help you physiologically, and it will probably also help him. At least you do get to say that you have a father, and at least he was there for you when you were growing up. Many people grow up without fathers, so just be grateful he's still here, despite the acts he committed.

If you ever need to talk, you still have my Skype. Hit me up. <3

- Semper