Critique me please

Looking for some constructive criticism.

If you got a piece, you better hope you're quick on the draw/
Put you to sleep when the hollow point slip through your jaw/
Leave you on a ventilator while you sip through a straw/
My Flow give you salmonella cuz I spit it so raw/

Slayin these amateurs with a flow past legendary/
Colder than Alaska in the middle of January/
I'm plottin your death as you're sittin there sedentary/
Slaughter your relatives like the beef was hereditary/

Exterminate your family and decapitate your kin/
I'll Desecrate your vanity when I lacerate your skin/
I'll Illustrate my insanity cultivating within/
Then Orchestrate calamity that's devastatingly grim/
Coordinate a tragedy and Incinerate your men/
Then Mutilate your anatomy and amputate your limbs/
I'll Assassinate you candidly to validate your end/
Coagulating casualties dissipate in the wind/

 

ha dig this man. nice job

 

Being honest I think there's a few lines in the third verse that don't quite fit, but other than that it's awesome, some of it even made me laugh.

 

I like the lyrics.

You should try recording it.

 

This would be a pretty hard song to find a beat to.
Lacks a decent flow really; the first part seems it would fit a completely different song compared to the third part.

Your wording is Alright.
Some words just seem ridiculous to place in those spots.

Quick question. Do you start with a phrase and find a word that rhymes? or Do you start with a word and find a phrase?

The words just look like you goggled "Rhymes with _______" and then wrote lyrics that involve murdering someone with Words? Weapons? not sure on that.

It's good though, don't think I am hating.
Rapping about murder and violence from an "Insane" point of view is really hard (IMO) and the only rapper to successfully pull it off was Slim Shaddy.
If you truly want the image of "Insane" then continue writing lyrics like you do. It is a good way to vent.

Keep posting your work, It's interesting to read.

 

Thank you for posting a review that wasn't totally negative, appreciated.

 

Yea i agree. Record it and see how it sounds.

But i like the lyrics. Just dont know how it would sound.

Do you plan on doing a fast/slow beat?

 

I don't know anything about rap, but the lyrics are funny as hell!

 

I agree with comments above, finding a good beat to go with it will be difficult - I think your best bet would be to record it with a fast beat, and a slow beat ... repost with the recordings (nothing professional) and then we can critique it better for you.