Generic scholarship proofread please.

me_person666 · Mar 21, 2012

I was just wondering if i could get somebody, who obviously knows english, to proofread my generic scholarship essay. I'm using the same essay for a whole bunch of scholarships and it would be great if somebody could edit it for me.

* Its canadian english, eh.
* It's just for one page, 500 words

For the longest time I was unsure. I would avoid the thought of what kind of carrier I would take on after high school. The idea of sitting in a class writing paper after paper seemed to me, a completely mundane way to spend my time. I was never the high achiever in any of my classes, except for one class I loved and enjoyed, Electronics.

I have always loved to pull apart electronic devices into pieces just to see how they click. I just amaze me how tiny electrons can be pulled through a pathway, and just be manipulated into whatever you can think of. My academic standing in my electronics class shows just how I excel at this applied skill. I have talked to my friends, my family and my teachers and they all support me in my academic goals. I also love to help people, in whatever they need. They ask and I am there, willing to help.

In my school community I have volunteered for many things; I have been a part of the leadership class, student council, taken part in grad council meetings, and BC hydro power smart. I am always up and ready to volunteer for anything that anybody asks me to do. For example, I recently took the opportunity to be involved with Embrace BC – Building An Inclusive Community and take part in planning, and organizing the 30-hour famine in school. My activities in school also reflect my willingness to volunteer outside of school.

For many years I have been part of the Cowichan Valley Football association. For instance; I joined the organization in the heart and stroke foundation kettle fundraiser, I also took part shaving my long luscious locks of hair, every year that we have done this, to support cops for cancer; also I coached for a brief amount of time with the extra moments I had. Not only have I played football, I played Hockey when I was younger and I also hold a Third-Kyu (Green belt) In Shito-Ryu Karate.

I have been playing drums for around 6-7 years. Drums help me calm down after a busy day. I have played with various bands, that haven’t gone anywhere, over the last 2 years. I enjoy history, I love to learn about different cultures and the history of their cultures. I am also an avid electronics hobbyist. I have recently been trying to build a robot mouse, out of an old analog computer mouse, into a mouse, that moves around on its own. Recently, I have been teaching myself the python programming language.

Ultimately, my carrier goal is to become an Avionics technician. I have researched it, and believe it will be the best carrier choice for me. Although, there are many things I would need to attain before hand. The first year, right out of high school, I plan to attend camosun college in their Electronics and Network Technician course, then the following year take the Electronics and Computer engineering course, also at camosun.

I believe I will excel at whatever I enjoy. I have great determination, skills and passion to do the best in what I love to do. I show leadership, and individuality in what I do, and I will continue too in the future.
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I acually reworded a bunch of things.

For the longest time I was unsure. I would avoid the thought of what kind of career I would pursue after high school. The idea of sitting in a class writing paper after paper seemed to me, a completely mundane way to spend my time. Out of all my classes I excelled at and enjoyed Electronics the most.

I have always loved to pull apart electronic devices just to see how they operated. It amazed me how tiny electrons can be pulled through a pathway, and be manipulated into whatever you can think of. My academic standing in my electronics course shows how I excel at this applied skill. I conversed to my friends, family and teachers whom all support me in my academic goals. I also love to help others with whatever they need. They ask and I am there willing to help.

In my school community I have avid in volunteering. I have been a part of the leadership class, student council, grad council, and BC Hydro Power Smart. I am always prepared to volunteer for anything whether it is in the community or in school. For example, I recently acquired the opportunity to be involved with Embrace BC – Building An Inclusive Community and I am also taking part in the organization of the thirty-hour famine at school. My activities in school also reflect my willingness to volunteer outside of school.

Though the Cowichan Valley Football association I participated in the heart and stroke foundation kettle fundraiser I have recently been taking part in shaving my long luscious locks of hair for cops for cancer. This has been a charity I have been working with for five years. I have also coached atom level football in my spare time. Along with football, when I was younger, I played Hockey for seven years. I also hold a Third-Kyu (Green belt) in Shito-Ryu Karate. On top of all of that, have many hobbies. ( I AM HAVING TROUBLE WITH THIS TRANSITION)[/SIZE][/SIZE]

I have been playing drums for seven years. Drumming helps me calm down after a busy day. I have played with various bands and this has taught me how to work with others with different points view. I am also an avid electronics hobbyist. I have recently been attempting to build a robot mouse that moves around on its own. Along with my robotic endeavors, I have been teaching myself the python programming language.

Ultimately, my career goal is to become an Avionics technician. I have researched the occupation, and believe it will be the best career choice for me. There are many prerequisites I would need to obtain before hand. The first year right out of high school I plan to attend Camosun College in their Network and Electronics Technician course, then the following year take the Electronics and Computer Engineering Course, also at Camosun. My final step for post secondary education, I plan to attend a rigorous two-year Avionic maintenance engineer course at BCIT.

In order to succeed in life one needs to have the drive and passion for what they do. I have great determination, skills and passion to surpass the expectations in any career I venture in. I show leadership, and individuality in what I do, and I will continue to do so throughout college and my future career.

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thatguy1234 · Mar 21, 2012

me_person666 said: ↑

In my school community I have volunteered for many things; I have been a part of the leadership class, student council, taken part in grad council meetings, and BC hydro power smart. I am always up and ready to volunteer for anything that anybody asks me to do. For example, I recently took the opportunity to be involved with Embrace BC – Building An Inclusive Community and take part in planning, and organizing the 30-hour famine in school. My activities in school also reflect my willingness to volunteer outside of school.
Click to expand...

I would rephrase the first part of that sentence. You already used I have in the sentence just before that. Try saying "I've volunteered for countless causes, such as being a member of and participating in a leadership class, joining student council, taking part in grad council meetings and being involved in BC hydro power smart."

I would just rephrase that part and try to use a larger vocabulary. Not using big words everywhere but words that are not so commonly used.

Also try not to sell yourself too much. For example when you said "My activities in school also reflect my willingness to volunteer outside of school.". Dont sell yourself too much, make your work and actions speak for you.

This is just my opinion on the situation.

Btw the part in red may not sound right to some, I feel its missing something but i cant put my finger on it. If anyone else wants a go at rephrasing it itd be appreciated.

me_person666 · Mar 22, 2012

Alright, thanks man. Im re editing it right now. I had my friend proof read it for me. I slighty changed it. I know exactly what you mean. The "Involved with BC Hydro Power Smart" just does not sound right. But thats the name of the event i was involved with. I do not know how to make it fit so it will sound better.

I Mark I · Mar 28, 2012

JW, do you live on Vancouver Island?
OT, Seems fairly clear and concise to me.

me_person666 · Jun 12, 2012

Why yes i do. O___O

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