How can I get back in my brothers good books?

EDIT: March 2

Things are getting really bad.

My brother has been drinking alot lately. My parents don't know about it, but I've been finding liqour bottles downstairs in the rec room where I sleep, and booze in the freezer that he hasn't finished. I didn't think it was a big deal at first because he just turned 19 a few months ago and so he is probably just enjoying being legal.

I posted just the other night about an incident where he said "You fucking loser" to me as he closed his door. Well once again its just after midnight and I am sitting upstairs at the kitchen table doing a farming run on RS before bed, and I hear my brother come home through the basement. He comes upstairs into the kitchen, gets a glass of water, and then wanders over and stands beside me and looks at RS over my shoulder. This time he makes it very clear what he means when he says, "You fuuuuuuucking LOSER!" and walks into his room and starts closing the door. I am shocked at this point.

I replied, "Fuck you, Halo boy" (he plays a ton of console games and spends countless hours playing Halo) in sort of a joking manner, still thinking there might be a chance that he is just kidding around or something. Like I said, he is very quiet and its hard to know what he is thinking and/or feeling at any given time. Well as soon as I say that to him he says "What? I'll fucking kick your ass" and starts threatening me, telling me that he will throw me out of the house and all this shit. Immediately I feel my blood fucking boiling, as it always does when somebody talks to me like that. I start threatening him back and get up from my chair and charge him just as my mom bolts into the room to break it up.

Now my mom is absolutely terrified right now, and I feel really bad. This is such a long story of my family history, but when I was originally kicked out 4 years ago from my parents house it was because I had a really bad drinking problem and had been involved in many violent incidents at home, and I finally came home one night pissed and got very angry with my little brother (this same brother), for speaking down to me like that. And so I beat the living shit out of him. My dad was away on business that night and both my girlfriend and mom weren't strong enough to pull me off of him, and so they called the police on me and I was hauled out of my house shirtless, shoeless, covered in blood and screaming my head off. My parents never let me come home after that incident until my current situation, and so I think my mom is absolutely terrified that right now my brother and I are going to kill each other.

Tonight it was very obvious he has been drinking heavily, and so that explains why he has been being so hostile towards me lately. But as the anger fades away from me now and the urge to want to beat him silly diminishes, I can't help my mind from returning back to the thought that he is obviously very upset and angry with me deep down inside, and has been bottling it up for a long time. There has been an obvious rift in our relationship for awhile now that goes unspoken, but I can FEEL it. Now it is out in the open though, the cats out of the bag and hes not going back in.

I'm sorry to ramble but I am worried that we are going to get in a huge, violent confrontation again soon and I want to avoid that by any means necessary. I don't want to hurt my brother again, I don't want to hurt my family again, and I just don't want to hurt anybody anymore, or get hurt myself. I am tired of hurting people and I can't imagine what would happen to my Mother if she had to live through another incident like that one all those years ago, that has been forgiven but not yet forgotten. I am so stressed right now, of course I am out of cigarettes right now too.

What do I do here guys?

Original post:

Hey guys,

So I had a rather awkward talk with my mother this morning. About a year ago, I borrowed a fairly large sum of money from one of my little brothers (about $600). I started by borrowing small amounts... $50 or $100, and then each paycheque I was unable to pay him back and so I would borrow more. My debt finally settled at about $600 with him, he chased me around for a few weeks about the cash and I avoided him, and then we never spoke of it again.

About 9-10 months ago, I moved back in with my parents because I lost everything and was in so much debt, and my relationship with my brother has been really rocky ever since. He is VERY quiet and hard to talk to, appears to be grumpy all the time, and is not an easy person to approach by any means. Before he ever lent me money though, we were starting to get close and he would even come over to my house sometimes to play vids or have a drink with me, etc.

During the talk with my mother this morning, she revealed that she has actually known about this debt for months, and has been basically paying it off for me by letting it cover my brother's rent money (he pays rent since he dropped out of school). I feel horrible. My brother obviously doesn't trust me anymore and thinks I have forgot about this debt, but I haven't. I always figured once I was employed again that I would surprise him one day by paying him back all the money that he thinks I have forgotten about, which would make us both feel really good.

This is really bugging me, the fact that the debt has been paid off to him without me having anything to do with it (because my mom bailed me out of yet ANOTHER debt), I don't know what I can do for him to earn some of his trust and respect back, and to show him that I meant to pay him some day when I was able to.

Do you guys have any ideas of something I could do or say to him? Keep in mind that he is VERY hard to approach and actually sit down and talk to... I think a gesture might go further than an actual awkward, face-to-face conversation in this case. Please help

 

All honesty I would start doing what you did before you started borrowing money. Another idea is that you start doing small things for him, doing small things can make people's lives considerably easier! But its not good to keep feelings tucked away as it becomes so much and when you talk about it with him you will realise that it hurt a lot more than it feels. I know you say he is not easy to talk to but I would it seems like one of those situations... But I say good luck in what you choose to do, but I would personally get it out and talk to him.

 

Pay him back the full $600 on top of what your mom gives him without your mom knowing. If you don't pay him he will most likely never trust you in financial situations ever again. This way he is getting more money then he is supposed to, to make up for all the time that has gone by where you haven't been paying him.

 

Thankyou for both of your suggestions.

Soviet - He is very difficult and uncomfortable to talk to, and I think it would be extremely awkward, but I feel like I need to say something to him, whether it is face to face or in a written note or whatever.

KMJT - That is a great idea man, thanks for that. My OWN idea before I posted this was to do something similar to that... I have been thinking about basically waiting until I have the means to repay him, and then surprise him with the full amount of cash that I owe him, even though it has been "paid off" by my Mother, in the form of him not having to pay rent for a couple of months.

I should never have borrowed money off him in the first place and he knew what it was for, but he helped me out anyways because I was desperate and he wanted to help. I have also borrowed money off him in the past for legitimate things, and always payed him back promptly when agreed, usually with small interest tacked on too. So this last time is the first time I have not paid him back, and so much time has passed that he probably feels its just been swept under the rug.

If anybody else has some good suggestions, feel free to post. I have also though that maybe I could take him out sometime for like a drink or something, or buy him something for his car etc. I don't know.

 

My brother just walked past me on his way to bed and I was sitting at the kitchen table posting something on the forums. He speaks very quietly and its very hard to hear what he is saying, but as he went by he said "Ruuuuuuunescape!"

I was just kind of startled that he even said anything (he doesn't talk much), and so I said "what!?"

His reply as he closed his door was, "You fucking loser."

He has never showed any sort of hostility towards me before this, even with this whole money thing, and I am literally shocked right now. Normally if one of my little brothers speaks to me like that I want to smash their face in, but I am lost for words right now. I think he is harboring a bigger grudge for me than I ever thought

 

Dam bro I suggest trying to pay him back for starters atleast or show some effort that atleast you are trying.

 

I also hate those awkward face to face conversations. You could leave a note saying something like "I haven't forgotten, From Zerkerfist (<-- real name there )" or something. It's an easy way around those awkward conversations. Or you could try paying it back in small payments weekly or something. You could get some money from doing some jobs e.g. doing the garden, washing a car etc. and show that you are trying to pay him back. You could also try inviting him to do something with you, like mentioned earlier? Anyway, good luck

 

Thanks guys. I appreciate the feedback.

The main problem for the moment is that I am unemployed I have been employed constantly since I was about 14 years old and I have always had my own money, all the way up until almost a year ago when I lost my job. Now I literally don't have a penny to my name... I do chores around the house so I can afford smokes.

I am in college right now, but my schooling ends in the beginning of April and that is my best chance at going back to work, as I will have from April - September before I begin college full time again. I don't like the idea of waiting until then, but if I cant muster up the courage to talk to him before that time then it may be my only option until I have a steady income rolling in again.

 

I'm not telling you what to do, but maybe you should just go right out and tell him. Tell him your situation and that you still know you owe him money. It doesn't have to be one of those really awkward face to face chats, maybe even just a quick chat. Good luck

 

I suggest you quit smoking, it does take up a lot of money to buy pot (And it's not healthy). Once you pay your brother back with the chores' money, you can re-start if you really want to.

 

Thanks for the suggestion.

I just wanted to add that I don't smoke pot though, at all. Its ciggarettes that I smoke and its a bit harder to quit than simply just stopping, but I am trying. I want to quit on my own anyways just because its so dirty and unhealthy.

That is a whole other Personal Support thread though :laugh:

 

Zerkerfirst I've seen you regularly in this personal support forum and the advice you give others is great. My impression of you is a good-natured person and i am sure you will have no problems getting back in the good books of your brother.

It's great to see that you realised that you are in the wrong now, that's the first step done. The next step will be apologising to your brother. Since you find it hard to talk to him, perhaps you can try writing a note/card ( like the above user suggested ). Insert sincere words and light humour in it.

The last step will be fixing the problem. You want to pay him or your mom the $600 back to show him that you geniunely are sorry and want to fix it. You have to ensure that you pay this sum fully and put effort into it!

I'm sure things will all work out fine You seem like a great person. ALL THE BEST!

 

Thankyou poop That means alot!

I have been trying to do nice things for him discretely over the past few days.. scraping his car free of ice in the morning, taking his dishes upstairs that he leaves downstairs, vaccuming his room & the gaming area downstairs etc.

Trying to get him to warm up to me a little bit more so that I can feel comfortable enough talking to him. If he wasn't so quiet and withdrawn and angry all the time it wouldn't be so difficult to talk! Normally I find it very easy to approach other people and discuss things, even awkward matters such as this.

With my own brother though its so much different :noworry:

 

May I ask how old you and your brother are?

 

I am 21 and my brother is 19, the eldest of my 3 younger brothers.

EDIT:

Things are getting really bad.

My brother has been drinking alot lately. My parents don't know about it, but I've been finding liqour bottles downstairs in the rec room where I sleep, and booze in the freezer that he hasn't finished. I didn't think it was a big deal at first because he just turned 19 a few months ago and so he is probably just enjoying being legal.

I posted just the other night about an incident where he said "You fucking loser" to me as he closed his door. Well once again its just after midnight and I am sitting upstairs at the kitchen table doing a farming run on RS before bed, and I hear my brother come home through the basement. He comes upstairs into the kitchen, gets a glass of water, and then wanders over and stands beside me and looks at RS over my shoulder. This time he makes it very clear what he means when he says, "You fuuuuuuucking LOSER!" and walks into his room and starts closing the door. I am shocked at this point.

I replied, "Fuck you, Halo boy" (he plays a ton of console games and spends countless hours playing Halo) in sort of a joking manner, still thinking there might be a chance that he is just kidding around or something. Like I said, he is very quiet and its hard to know what he is thinking and/or feeling at any given time. Well as soon as I say that to him he says "What? I'll fucking kick your ass" and starts threatening me, telling me that he will throw me out of the house and all this shit. Immediately I feel my blood fucking boiling, as it always does when somebody talks to me like that. I start threatening him back and get up from my chair and charge him just as my mom bolts into the room to break it up.

Now my mom is absolutely terrified right now, and I feel really bad. This is such a long story of my family history, but when I was originally kicked out 4 years ago from my parents house it was because I had a really bad drinking problem and had been involved in many violent incidents at home, and I finally came home one night pissed and got very angry with my little brother (this same brother), for speaking down to me like that. And so I beat the living shit out of him. My dad was away on business that night and both my girlfriend and mom weren't strong enough to pull me off of him, and so they called the police on me and I was hauled out of my house shirtless, shoeless, covered in blood and screaming my head off. My parents never let me come home after that incident until my current situation, and so I think my mom is absolutely terrified that right now my brother and I are going to kill each other.

Tonight it was very obvious he has been drinking heavily, and so that explains why he has been being so hostile towards me lately. But as the anger fades away from me now and the urge to want to beat him silly diminishes, I can't help my mind from returning back to the thought that he is obviously very upset and angry with me deep down inside, and has been bottling it up for a long time. There has been an obvious rift in our relationship for awhile now that goes unspoken, but I can FEEL it. Now it is out in the open though, the cats out of the bag and hes not going back in.

I'm sorry to ramble but I am worried that we are going to get in a huge, violent confrontation again soon and I want to avoid that by any means necessary. I don't want to hurt my brother again, I don't want to hurt my family again, and I just don't want to hurt anybody anymore, or get hurt myself. I am tired of hurting people and I can't imagine what would happen to my Mother if she had to live through another incident like that one all those years ago, that has been forgiven but not yet forgotten. I am so stressed right now, of course I am out of cigarettes right now too.

What do I do here guys?

 

The worst thing you can do is fight back. Make him feel bad by saying something like thanks means alot bro when he calls you a loser. Eventually he will realize he is being retarded. You have to pay him back, from there if he still is acting hostile the problem lies with him, not you. At that point even opt to get him help for his alcohol addiction.

 

I completely agree with everything KMJT says.

You could try forcing him to talk, basically lock yourself in the basement or what ever room you can lock yourselves in and tell him to talk. Say something like "I'm sorry man, I'll pay your $600 back, I am really sorry, I was goin through a bad time in life and I was drinking and it fucked me up, but now I see you're drinking and as your brother it really worries me." something on the lines of that.
DON'T say anything to him when he throws abuse at you, just say "tell me what I've done, we're supposed to be brothers" really talk to him and release anything you both have bottled up (released in a non-violent way)

 

My name is Robzombie179, and I'm an alcoholic.
I too have let alcohol control my life at one point, I am now sober and things are going better for me.

I would suggest finding him sober, and jus take him out to lunch and just tell him how you feel, tell him you care about him, tell him you love him, tell him he's your little brother and you miss the old him, you miss being little homies. Jus tell him what you need to say, but also what he needs to hear. Have a little heart to heart with him over lunch.
I wish I could be more helpful, but I have been fighting depression a lot lately and my older brother took me out to lunch during work a few days ago, and we talked about it, and I know it helped me a lot to talk about the things that have been bugging me.

CONVERSATION: Asking him to lunch. GESTURE: FREE lunch for him.

Hope this helps!

 

As KMJT said, you need to find a way to pay him back. His anger towards you is you not paying him. I honestly also believe the alcohol is creating poor judgements on his part like him repeatedly calling you loser. You need to understand that alcohol is essentially a liquid that turns people into monsters. I think in all honesty, if you accept his behavior and tell him "Why are you talking to me like that, I am your brother. No matter what argument is between us, the same blood runs through our veins and name calling is unnecessary, if you want to vent, then go ahead. I'm not here to make your life a mess, I'm here to support you just as you would if I was in the same situation." Something along those lines will give him a hard thought about what his life has become, we all have problems but dealing with it is family who say (AND SHOW) support to them is a priceless affection one can never get elsewhere.

 

I just read through the addition to the post, and I thought things were getting better. I thought this because you posted a thread saying you and your brother were on some DJ decks (unless this is another brother). I don't know what to suggest. I know you said talking to him hard, but maybe you should just ask him why he is saying this stuff. However I'm not in your situation and I don't know your or your brother, so for that reason, I am sorry I can't be of any more help, but if it helps, good luck